What it's like to 'switch out'.

I've just started "therapy" (which I say with a tad of sarcasm since it's not ever enough to do any good, but anything's better than nothing, I know) with my newest doctor, who is being supervised by a doctor who has worked with 25 DID cases so far (my thought...'whatdya want, a medal?') and figured I'd try to describe how it feels to have DID. There are two different feelings. No, there are bunches. But I'll describe the two main things.

One is when I switch into someone who I don't share thoughts/consciousness with. Then, it's like absolutely nothing...like I've been asleep and I suddenly wake up in the middle of something, functioning perfectly well, at least to all appearances, but I have absolutely NO memory of the time that passed. That one is the rarest for me, since I share consciousness with several of my parts.

When I share consciousness with someone inside, and the switch happens, it can happen a couple of different ways. The easiest/gentlest way (and least common LOL) is for me to be in the middle of talking to someone for example, and suddenly I'm feeling an absolutely irresistable urge to say something that is NOT what I want to say, and it's an urge that cannot be ignored, and once I give in to it, for a few minutes maybe it'll be me and that urge, then I'm still kinda there, but it's like I'm standing behind myself, I can see what happens but I cannot control my body or my words. Sometimes there's tunnel vision, where all I can see is a small area in front of me, and I can hear the words being spoken like when you make a toy telephone out of tin cans and string.

Then there's the abrupt switch, which sometimes even happens in mid conversation with someone. Or worse still, what I personally call the "cluster switch", where everyone suddenly talks at once. Example...roomie asks..."What do you want for dinner tonight?" Me: "McDonald's-Wendy's-KFC-I'll cook something-Subway". Then I end up just looking at her and saying "Should we take a vote?" When those happen, there aren't any physical feelings really, just frustration that all the words can't come out at once.

The situational switch. I can be mild and calm, and if someone says or does something that I think is unfair to us in some way, suddenly I'm a raving lunatic (and keep in mind, I still absolutely do NOT NOT NOT swear. so this is the only way that my roomie can tell that Celeste has emerged) Most of me will quietly just take any abuse from anyone but Celeste will gleefully tell you to F*** yourself, and exactly where you should do it, and with what. She's ballsy. Makes me jealous. Except that a couple of times she's threatened to or attempted to physically attack someone....VERY uncool. (Though she wants me to add, they had it coming to them)

One thing in common to all the switching is the headache afterward, one that they haven't come up with a cure for yet. Right now my doctor is letting me try Midrin for it, with mixed results so far. Even Vicodin doesn't fix these headaches. They're right on top of the head, right in the middle...and so painful that I can't even describe it.

I think the main difference in my opinion between having DID and 'hearing voices' is that with DID, the voices don't come from outside of my head, they come from my mouth to the outside world. Each of 'me' has her own likes and dislikes, and lots of times they clash. Sometimes, like with Celeste's comment earlier, we hear each other's thoughts inside, or see them in what's called the 'Hall of Records' where we can exchange information (very necessary in order for us to have survived life without being detected for so long, and function in school, etc.).

Anyway, I can't really find words right now to describe more than that.

What it is like to "schiz out"...

Well, it all started with nightmares as my last post reads. But I am really schizzin' out. I hear strange sounds and words that echo in my head...and the voices are trying to convince me that it all has a special meaning. Such as...I was outside smokin' at work and I heard a loud telephone ring...the voices told me that I am going to get some very bad news and that is what the sound meant. The phone kept ringing and I was supposed to (as told to me by my voices) act like I was answering it and then call my family for real. I then became afraid to call them...afraid I would get some kind of bad news that I just can't handle now. So I didn't call anyone that day...family or anyone else.

I have been freaking out before work every morning and dread going to work...this is highly NOT normal. I dread being there and feel full of despair that I have to be there. At some points during work I feel suddenly that for some unknown reason I can't be there any longer...like I must leave right then and there. I am, of course, fighting all these feelings and am staying at work. But it seems like , to me, that i don't get anything done because I am always freakin out. So far, the customers only say something to me to get me to smile...which is very sweet, I love my customers for it. But I also get very upset inside when another customer walks into the store. I mean, I get mad...like...the nerve of this person coming in while I was trying to bag ice,...the nerve that they walk into this store! I hate them! That is what I am screaming inside while I am smiling and saying "Have a great day!" This is what I call schizzin out. I feel like the customers were just coming in to bother or keep me from doing something that I need to get done. Like it is a conspiracy! They are just doing it because they want me to have a bad day.

In truth, that is what the paranoid schizophrenia is causing me to think right now. But I take Geodon and its main effect is to help me to know what is just in my mind and what is really truly happening. So at the same time that I feel all this rage inside of me because of this conspiracy, I also SEE that the customers are there because we need them and they need something from the store...they don't really even know the things that I am trying to get done and they would even try to help me when they could..like lifting a 5 gallon bucket of ice into the Coke fountain. They are just being customers and I can see that but it doesn't stop the feelings of utter rage that I feel. OF COURSE...I DO NOT SHOW ANY OF THESE FEELINGS. I have to hide them and that has me realy stressed out. I really want to scream inside of me to everyone "Please straighten me out and straighten my poor racked mind out." I just want to tell God "PLEASE HELP ME!"

It just feels like I CAN'T keep working like this. But I can't quit work. I have to keep doing it always. I have been working 21 days in a row with only one day off. This is too much. Maybe I can't handle Assistant Manager but I WILL NOT go back to being just a cashier.

Nightmares, loud voices and frustration.

The nightmares began about 6 days ago. I have had a nightmare each night since then. They have all been different. In the day time I have loud voices like they are forcing me to listen to them. Sometimes I can't hear my customers at work because of them. They talk about the things they did to me like before I began medication. Taunting me to react to them. Such as:

"Remember what we did to you back then?"--"You are the opposite of us." " You take the pain of the world."

They tell me I am the Angel and that it won't rain because I am happy. But I am not that happy right now. I am frustrated. I can't sleep with these nightmares every night and the voices are so loud that I can't concentrate on my work. I can't hear my customers. I feel like my brain is just full of stuff all the time that I stay so confused.

I asked my Therapist yesterday to make me an appointment with the nurse. She will listen to what I say and then tell the doctor and then he figures out what to do about it. Like write a new prescription or something. I am kinda surprised that the voices aren't so loud this morning. I can write. I have sat down in front of this computer three times to write all this stuff down and then I couldn't because I get lost with the voices. I gotta go now.

A new voice...

He finishes the songs that I sing in my mind. Where I just think of the songs and sing a part of them..he finishes what I don't finish. He seems to be real nice but a NEW voice bothers me. The science of it means I am under stress and that is where the new voice comes from. Which I was under some stress thinking I had to prove I was worth the new promotion....THAT is part of my paranoid schizophrenia. I was paranoid that I would lose my job if I didn't prove I was worth the position. When in real life I had already proven myself worthy of the new position as Assistant MAnager before I got the job...that is why I did get the promotion. I had already proven myself...so I am a little backwards in my thinking. Alot of paperwork with this job. I mean alot.

Then I got paranoid that my boss was thinking I was stealing from the store...money and merchandise...because we were coming up short. But she had to fire one guy because it was him that was short all the time. I was paranoid for no reason. Just new job stress.