AAAHHHHHHH

I can't believe it! I feel like screaming! I promised myself I would do whatever it takes to spend more time with my son. So I planned a four day visit. He would get to come and spend a whole four days with me. Then a couple of days ago he ran off with a friend and finally came back late last night...which is wonderful..truly..Thank God...I was so worried about him. But now he is grounded and can't come for the visit. I feel full of despair and I can't breathe. I know that the schizophrenia makes me feel alot of things like desspair, panic, terror and things like that out of the blue but why now. I got off track with my medications and now I'm going through this. I feel like nothing is going right. Everything just collapsed in front of me. Usually, I am extremely relieved when he comes home (he does this every few months).
I have to be honest, too....I am mad. Mad as hell at him for ruining this. It was supposed to be his birthday visit. I am more mad at myself though. And I feel like screaming. Screaming would help...it really would. I feel truly hurt, but I should not be feeling despair...I don't know maybe it's normal.
You know, with the schizophrenia I almost feel things to extremes. If I feel happy...then I feel real happy. If I am sad I feel real depressed..to the point of wandering what the hell I exist for. What's the reason for my life...was I too sick in my head with schizophrenia that I couldn't aknowledge real life at all...is this the reason for all this. I know that I was!!! I was cruelly shown evidence of this. Back about for years ago when my kids were taken away from their father by DFACS (welfare) I had written a letter to them claiming that God was punishing them for lying. I don't even remember writing this. I don't believe that He would..I was having a religious hallucination. I can't believe I said this to my kids. If anything I was being punished...my kids didn't want to live with me beofre the letter thing and I was devastated by it. I was obviously sick. But I have never done it again since then. WHY CAN'T I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY KIDS.
I can remember things I was hearing and pictures of things happening in mmy head that people claim have never happened. I remember things I was hearing...cruel things...more then I could remember things that really happened. I can't remember moments with my kids. I do remember that I couldn't get my kids to go outside and play like normal kids. Was it because of things I may have said to them. I remember going off , really upset about a "voice" telling me they didn't go outside and play because they were acting the opposite of normal, happy kids. Which meant my kids wouldn't be normal and happy because they were innocently involved in a "game" called "Being the Opposite". I went up and down through the house cussing and fighting with the "voices" that that was absurd and it was huting my kids lives. But the "voices" would make my kids play it anyway...without my kids knowing it. If one of my children brought home a bad grade or was failing a subject it was because someone else was making a good grade and my kids were playing the opposite. I only meant to protect them...I love my kids with everything in me. I remeber being so involved with the things I heard that I believed that I was being taught how to "break my voices" from making people, especially kids, play there damned games.
Nowadays, I still hear my "voices" claim that they are being the opposite of someone else. They only do this when they want to feel better.

God, I wish there was a cure for this...