...meet again. I have one world that is the schizophrenic world and the other world is real life. I have noticed for the last two days that I had been going along with the schizophrenic world. I started believing that people were watching me again...through there own brains. In my schizophrenic world there is a thing called "mind linking" where people try to watch me through there own minds. Though I think that I can feel it happening...I have to remember that it is just paranoia. To force myself back into the real world, I remind myself that it is all happening again because I am worried about my husband. He just went to the doctor for a colon check. He has been having some problems lately and they want to check his colon and prostate I think. What if it is something?...we have only been married four months. I don't want to think about it. It is very hard for me to believe that no one else hears what I hear. It is so loud most of the time. And there are so many.
I trying to get my medication back on track...no more dizzy spells. I feel like I am never alone most of the time, to a point that it shocks me if I feel all alone for more then a few minutes. I want to steal the feeling and keep it with me always. I have said this before, with my medication I can tell the difference between the real world and the schizophrenic world. Since I know the difference I can tell myself that it is just the schizophrenia and go on about my life. If I am taking my medication wrong or at a wrong time or trying to get it back on track... then the two worlds collide. I could barely tell the difference between the two for the last two days. It all seems real to me and that is where the trouble BEGINS. Note that I said 'begins". Distinguishing real life from the "schizophrenic world".... alot of schizophrenics end up at the hospital during this point. Twice, since I have been diagnosed, I had nearly taken myself there.
I know what it feels like to be so lost in "feeling" the things that schizophrenics feel, hear, and smell. That is what makes it seems so real. I was at work and had been hearing "voices" most of the day ( I was trying a new dosage of my medication that the doctor had prescribed) when I suddenly heard a loud voice say "Are you trying to overdose yoourself? You have taken too much.". The next thing I new I was feeling faint and I felt like I couldn't stay awake...really felt it. The "voice" told me that I should get up and walk around and to try to stay awake because if I went to sleep I would not wake up. So I got up and started to try to move around but with every step I took it seeled like I would get more exhausted. I went to the phone and the "voice" said to call an ambulance. I just kept telling myself it was the schizophrenia and that I was ok. I stuck it out for another thirty minutes. and it became time to close the store for the night. When I got to the point of doing my paperwork...it all went away. And I felt fine again. It is one thing to hear "voices" but I usually FEEL like what they are saying is the truth...I really feel it. It is what makes it real hard for some schizophrenic to survive the real world.
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