Suicidal thoughts

I think I mention that my refills ran out on my Paxil (antidepressant). But today I began having suicidal thoughts. I don't really want to hurt myself but I wander why I try so hard. And it would all go away if I wasn't here more. I went to court this morning about my girls and it was a great day in court. One of my daughters wants to start visitations and the other wants phone contact from me. You see I was gone for 2 and 1/2 years and from my kids while they were in welfare custody. But it was because I said something that really hurt them and I didn't remember saying. I thought how could I say something that awful and not remember it. This all happened before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was so scared I would hurt again if I didn't leave and find out what was happening to me. How could I say that and not remember???? But now I know why. But the court doesn't know why and doesn't know why I left and, frankly, they don't care. So the Judge continues to make me feel as though I was the awfulest person that ever lived.
WHen I first began to here voices I thought it was something amazing happening in the world. Then the voices turned "evil-like" saying things like my kids were being punished by God. Because I had them their fate was that God was punishing them. And they saidd that my kids lied. And they would always say that something awful was going to happen to my kids...it did happen...they were molested by my father. So I believed that the voices must've been God. And I believed that my family could send me messages straight to my brain. One time I heard my mother say "I wish you would kill yourself". I always heard things like that. Maybe it demented my mind.
But I still believe that if I hadn't have left the kids for 2 and 1/2 years to find out what was happening to me..that I would've hurt them again.
Today I saw myself drive off a cliff on a road that drove alongside of Fort Payne, AL. I could see myself doing it and then the next thing I saw was the road in front of me. I am having the uncontrollable tears again and I am real sad. I felt this way when my son came back from running away...though it was great news I ended feeling the opposite way. Just like now with the news that my daughter want to get closer to me and the court approved their wishes. I wander how Mel can stand to be married to me. I told him about the thoughts and he just got up from his chair and held me. My wonderful man loves me...I have to call my therapist.