This morning

I was getting ready for work when I felt this feeling of sudden terror. It hasn't gone away yet. I feel like my chest is closed up and I am afraid to move around much.It is part of the schizophrenia. My medicine hasn't had a chance to work yet. They say it stays in your system even if you miss a pill. I was two hours early taking my Geodon yesterday but I was doing ok. I am scared to death of something and I don't know what it is. These attacks are usually in the form of panic or anxiety. Maybe it's both. I am also hearing a lot of voices. They won't shut up. I tried to ignore them this morning and it subsided. But now that's not even working. I even thought I heard my Aunt Lisa mind linking to me. So today I am having a bad relapse from my schizophrenia. No I feel like someone is trying to give me a headache. What am I going to do ..this is not getting better and I feel like I can't breathe. It feels as though all of the control I had because of the Geodon has disappearded and left me here to fend for my self. I feel brain racked there are about 4 or 5 voices talking at one time. And they don't stop. I thought writing this might help calm me down but it isn't working. I will read this later just to get alook of what I am like during an attack. This is definately a bad one. I wander if other people can tell.
I guess you could say that I am one of the lucky ones...by this I mean I don't react much visibly to an attack. Some people end up dumping their new cars on the highway because they think it is possessed by the devil. One woman believed that the devil was melting her insides...she hadn't taken her medicine in 3 weeks. Some people end up walking the streets trying to get away from the hallucinations. They think something has taken over their home or car and leave to get away from that "idea" or "vision". I read somewhere that very rarely do people "visibly hallucinate" like seeing things with schizophrenia...it is more like "Ideas" that they see. Not like a vision of a ghost but more like an idea of being possessed or in my case the idea of being watched while using the restroom. But I do see visible hallucinations. I see a picture of someone under me while I use the restroom. No I do not have some fetish of anything of that nature. But with the Geodon, my medication, it seems to mostly be gone. I also have another "idea" of something I called "brain-linking". It is when soemone else seems to try to talk to me through my mind.-------I am feeling better now-----. This brain linking thing has been going on for about 15 years now. But like I said before in my previous post...the Geodon helps me to understand and know the difference between real and schizophrenic features. So I just aknowledge to myself that that is the schizophrenia talking. :)
Life is hard with this disesase. From one day to the next all I wanna feel like is a normal human being. Sometimes I can't hear what people say because the voices get soooo loud. It is like someone screaming in my head. Just like someone screaming in your ear..it makes you feel agrivated, irritated and you wanna scream back. But wait I'm in a public place and it is just the schizophrenia. I reflex and look around to see if anyone else has heard it and no it is just me. I feel like a kid wanting to have a temper tantrum but Mama says I can't so I have to hold it in. What if I explode? Well then I am definitely going to the hospital because someone is going to call the police or ambulance if tell them what's going on.
Before I was diagnosed back when I thought it was all real...I use to have to run outside during work or run to the bathroom to get it out...whatever it was that I was going to retort to those dim whitted people now called "voices". There is also the times when a voice says they wanna kill your kids...That use to happen daily and I would yell then. I would yell that I terrorize anyone who touched my kids and this would always have me in a serious fight with my voices. I would be screaming at them and finally was in the other room...they heard me. This was about a year before I was diagnosed. I would go to the Mental Health clinic and talk to the psychiatrist but when anyone asked if I heard voices I always said "NO". Then they would think I was crazy..I was not crazy...I just had some issues...that's what I thought. I had been fighting voices for years by the time I was diagnosed. Literally arguing and fighting with them. The day I was diagnosed I cried all day. Not because I had schizophrenia..but because I had been fighting something for so long that was never going to go away...I began treatment and had some bad reactions but the second medicine(Geodon) was the one. It curves the paranoid attacks alot like the bathroom stuff and the fighting in my head. Also, the voices that wanted to hurt my kids are gone. But I still hear voices most everyday. Some days I'll get surprised and I won't hear any...but this is a whole lot better then what was going on before the medicine. The voices aren't so frightening and and my reactions to them are minimal. I am able to work and for the most part I seem to have myself together and that is my goal.