It has been alot easier lately...

I am not having very many schizophrenic symptons lately. I feel almost human again. Which is kind of great but hard at the same time. There are alot of things going on with my family and I actually have to deal with them. I just feel a little down in the dumps, I guess. I'm not slipping into some kind of delusion this time around...a delusion that would take my mind completely off the things that are happening right now with my family. This time I am going straight through it. Totally real life. It just seems like right now I would be half crazy with voices, delusions, and hallucinations...but they aren't there. I would usually get excited about it...whenever this RARE thing happens. But, I am down today.

I have had a few good days

All in a row....the good days seem to be sticking around lately. Thank God. I feel pretty good. No delusions or hallucinations and barely any voices. The support group seems to be going good and I have gotten a few answers to questions I didn't even know I had. Like I always thought that the voices were because of the stress at work because I thought that I mostly heard them at work. But it is when I am alone that I hear them the most no matter where I am. So I just try to keep busy and thhey seem very minimal even when I am alone.
I love my work days on Saturday and Sunday...there is no crowd and no stress. I just clean mostly and take care of things that don't get done through the week because we are busy. Well, I guess that is really all for now.

After my brain STORM

I have been back to myself for about three days now and it is a very welcomed feeling. I have my son with me which seems to calm my schizophrenia down to almost no symptons. I am going to enjoy this week with him as much as truly possible. My baby boy is home!!! I feel so lucky.

Rude awakening

Yesterday, I woke up with someone screaming outside my head "You are going insane, bitch" and "You are psychotic, bitch." and they continued over and over again until I was shaking all over. My gums were hurtin' really bad too. I went on through the morning, taking my pain killers and medication as soon as I could. It finally quieted down after the Geodon got in there. It was the first time ever for me to hear that kind of stuff. It took most of the day to recover and be able to know what I was doing. I remember being at work ...like a robot...doing the work but I couldn't give you details. I can't remember the first half of the night. I am pretty sure that what happenend yesterday morning was a psychotic breakdown. And if it had last much longer I wouldn't have been able to go to work. I would've gone to the hospital. All in all the actual episode seemed to have lasted about ten minutes with the voice screaming at me that I was going insane. And I remember glancing at the "window" into myself and thinking I was still functioning. I mean, I could light up a cigar and smoke it and look for my purse. Even though I was shaking all over.
I awoke this morning to find out I was out of sugar...that meant no espresso...NO! So I stole my husbands car and went to the store and came right back. I haven't felt like myself in a couple of days and the last thing I was going to put myself through was not having my morning rituals..two espressos and two Goody Powders. It just seemed like too much stress to go without my espresso. I felt I couldn't deal with that right now. Well, at least it is not alcohol or illegal drugs anyore. THANK GOD!!! I couldn't handle the ups and downs then I sure couldn't handle it now.
I am afraid that I am going to end up in a mental hospital, rocking myself, because the voices have taken me away from my own head. I caught myself rocking yesterday right after the voice stopped screaming those words at me. I thought...OH NO here I go. I am going to end up on a check afraid to leave my house. Please, Lord, let me work and be able to live as normal as possible.
When they discribe Schizophrenia as a "disabling brain disease" (note the word disease) I kinda thought to myself "well, it might be a disorder but not a 'disease'". I just note the things that I could do everyday...that they actually say most Schizophrenic's can't do. And I thought I have been doing it for so long...like working, leaving the house and I am able to go to WalMart too. Crowds don't bother me. Loud noises do but not loud noises of crowds of people. I guess because I "hear" all the time. Loud noises seem like a person is hollering inside my head. Anyway, about the "disease" part of schizophrenia...it is a disease!. I feel like I am getting worse. Like these last few weeks or this last month there is always something going on with my schiz. Something new...and the hallucinations (visual) are hapening 5 or 6 times a day. Something is going on here. WHich it could be the stress of my husband's cancer diagnosis. They found some polyps and one was cancer...the doctor cut them out and thinks he got it all but...BUT...!!! We just got married in November...am I already gonna lose him. He is THE ONE...you know....

Delusional

Mel just left for work about an hour ago so he is not here. I am delusional though. I keep thinking that people are "linking" to me. This brain linking thing really gets to me. I was thinking about my Uncle Charles and then suddenly I went delusional. I swear I feel like I am never alone...that someone is always linking to my brain. A couple of days ago it was my ex David. Then it was that mean ass woman Samantha. I feel like I can't break free from the link. I am so paranoid. I am afraid to change clothes or do much of anything but clean the house and go to work these days. I feel like I have been someone else for about three or four days now. I did get the lawn mowed but it felt more like I was running away from ssomething. Like I just keep running. I am slightly hysterical.

THis is what happened today...
I woke up feeling like I was in a panic over something..like I needed to do something fast-and this is the delusional part- I needed to do something fast to save someone's life. To describe it it felt like I knew something was wrong and it had to do with someone's life. And that I had to find out who this person was...but if I don't find out who this person is then I can't save their life. I don't know if you could understand this but I am trying to explain anyway. So I searched and searched inside my mind to try to find out who it was that needed help and I couldn't find out who it was so I couldn't save that person. I felt franitc, upset, afraid that this person would die soon if I didn't hurry and find out who it was. But I never did find out who it was. I went outside to smoke a cigar and two police cars were two houses down, sitting in the road talking to each other. Then I calmed down some. But I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was all choked up inside and my breaths were like gulps of air. My tooth began to hurt so I took a pain killer. I felt like I needed to do something to get my mind off of this person that I felt was dying...so I mowed the grass. Ajnd that worked for a little while until the mower cut off with me and I had to get Mel up. I just kept feeling like I had to do something because I couldn't get my mind off this person. So when the mower quit I was almost frantic again. I got upset all over again and I was almost to the point of giving up on everything in life I am trying to do....but Mel fixed the mower and life went on. After I mowed the grass I straightened up the house. The pain killer hit me and I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up it was all over until...a few minutes ago when I thought I felt someone "linking" to my head. That's when things just sort of pop into my head like it isn't even my brain anymore. That's when I start to feel like I am being watched and that the words that pop into my head are someone else's thoughts...because they have nothing to do with my thoughts or what I am doing...it is like someone else is describing what they are doing...and it causes major paranoia for me. That is what was happening until about the middle of this post. It stopped I lost them. Sometimes I feel like my mind just races to get away from other brains. I know that I said I could tell the difference between reality and the not real...schizophrenic thoughts...but I am at a stage to where I can't tell anymore...I have been in and out of this stage for about a week now.

I am paranoid this morning...

I seem to be extremely paranoid this morning but the stumper is what I am paranoid of...this morning espresso. I can't believe I am paranoid about my espresso. I keep thinking that if I drink any more caffeine I will have a problem...like an "episode". I'm kinda freaking out about the caffeine but I am drinking it anyway...mostly because I am trying to prove to myself that a little more caffeine is not going to make the schiz any worse this morning. I wish I had a normal brain. Part of me is thinking that my medicine is not working but I know that for the major parts of my symptons...it is still working. It's the pain killer...I can feel it. My gum was hurting more this morning and I decided to take a whole pill instead of a half of pill. Whew... kinda out in left feild this morning. I got to go.

Voices and drugs

I have been sober now for 3 years in April. I was doing Methamphetamine and drinking and taking pills. But I hadn't been diagnosed with paranoid sz yet. I noticed that my voices had changed dramamtically as I stayed sober. They weren't trying to ruin my life or sabotage me anymore. So I was thinking that when I was doing drugs maybe my voices SEEMED to want to sabotage and ruin my life because I WAS ruining my life at that time. And now that I am on Lorcet Plus for pain of having a tooth surgically removed I am hearing one voice that is trying once again to ruin my life. I think there is definitely a connection.

Support Groups

I found one...actually the world's largest schizophrenia support group. It is at Schizophrenia.com. It also has support groups for family members also. I think it is great. It seems to help alot to know some other people that go through the same thing that I go through every single day. I also found a website (but lost it again) that explained the difference between Schizophrenia and Paranoid Schizophrenia. I show all the symptons of Paranoid Schizophrenia.
The other woman that writes on this blog, Lisa...is in the hospital. I admire her for how strong she is. I can't imagine fighting cancer with all the other things that she has had to go through. I don't know if she would even want me to post about it but I am until she tells me otherwise. She is also in mourning over her grandson, Nathaniel, who recently ( a week before she found out she had cancer) died of SIDS. He was born on Christmas Day and was taken from us the day before Valentine's Day. I was really scared for her for several months. I still am. I guess that is why I feel I must write about it. I was worried for so long. And now that she has had the operation...I feel much more relieved. Lisa is the strongest woman I know. I fought with myself because this woman doesn't drink or smoke and SHE had cancer...
It is the same with my husband, Mel. He doesn't smoke or drink and he had cancer too. Here I am a woman smoking cigars. I have written about my fears and worries about these two people on my personal blog...my diary...but not on the public blogs. Mel and I are waiting for the next trip to the doctor's office before we really let ourselves absorb this. I have cried and bawled aboutit but Mel is being "stronger". The doctor says he thinks he got it all but he didn't think it was cancer then either. So in about two more months when Mel has his second colonoscopy we will know then if it had spread. After this next colonoscopy we will have to wait 5 years to find out for sure if it has spread. I'm scared. And I don't talk about it to him unless he brings it up but I think I probably need to. Mel and I just found each other nearly two years ago...I'm not ready to lose him to cancer or anything else. But I'll be alright. I'm just thinking about it all again.

I suddenly...

got my control back. I got dressed to go to Walmart to get a few things and after I started to run through the store and get the things I needed and I could feel reality slip back in. All of a sudden I was there and there were no voices hollering at me. When I got home I felt like myself again and it has been quiet for the rest of the day. I got a call from my Aunt Linda telling me that Lisa ( my Aunt who also writes on this blog) was ok. She had been diagnosed with Cancer and today was the day they did her surgery to take it out. Anyway, she is fine and I got plenty of other news about it that makes me believe that the doctor was able to get it all out of her. The cancer looked like it hadn't spread. I feel better and one of the worries I had is subsided...now I said subsided not gone. Of course, there is always worry with anything to do with cancer. Now if I could quit worrying about Mel and his cancer...but that'll be a few months and even then I don't know if I will be able to stop the stress of it. Just like with Lisa...it WAS there (the cancer) and it could be there again. I guess that part doesn't go away.
But after I got that phone the schizophrenic relapse I was having and the awful night I had suddenly went away. Just like I said before...it feels like someone just suddenly surrounded me in the warmth of the real world when the schizophrenic bout is over. But I have been going through this one for three days. Longest one since I have been on Geodon. So far I haven't heard many voices since about 2:00 pm this afternoon. I feel like I am in a peaceful heaven and I truly wish it could be like this always....

Been a lot of stress lately...

And I have been "hearing" more voices than I had in a long time. I am finding it hard to focus. I have also crossed that line between the real world and schizophrenic world (unreal world). Last night I was lost in the schizophrenic world and a little piece of me realised that I couldn't tell the difference between the two. I was at work a couple of days ago and about 9:30 pm I just started to realize that I had been talking to myself...for about 2 hours solid. That's when I realised also that I was an hour late taking the Geodon. I looked at the clock and knew I had been at work and had done some work but I couldn't give you much detail on what I did there. I couldn't say that I had made fresh coffee or that I had "dropped" (to the safe) any money...anything of value anyway. For all I knew the coffee was two hours old. I don't know what I was doing in that amount of time but when I "came around" and I was restocking the cooler. And I knew that I had been talking to myself for along time... then I looked at the clocked...but that was just the first time I noted that I was "out of it" again...(hadn't been this way for a long time-6 or 7 months). When I say "out of it" I mean for lengthy periods of time I would be in that unreal world, full of voices, always in a place that seemed to have no walls around it and everyone could see me. Everyone in the world could see what I was doing and hear everything I was saying and they have opinions about everything I do and everything I do is done wrong by me. I feel it now. See there I went again. But there is this little piece of me that see's me...I can see a glimpse of me right now and that part of me is saying " I don't know what is going on or how you slipped back to the other world and lost the real one but I sure hope you pull it back together". OK, I managed to get through another day at work half "out of it" and I don't remember much about that day either. But last night, I was in the real world most of the night. And then when I got home something clicked and I was "losing it" again. It felt like suddenly a switch was pulled in my head and all my channels were set on the crazy, unreal world. I couldn't get my mind off it. The part of me that catches the glimpses of myself in the other world tried to get my concentration on to focusing on something real...if I can focus on something real for a few minutes I can kinda pull myself back into reality. I got about 4 hours sleep last night and at 3:51 am I was wide awake and consumed with voices chattering and "the game"(it is an evil minded game that hurts innocent people--all a hallucination from the schizophrenia) playing all around me...just like I was in the middle of some kind of tournament and if I did not participate I might lose something precious. Precious to me besides the people I love is laughter, or it is my medicine working( or suddenly it won't work because someone in the game said it wouldn't), or it could be my kids' happiness...something that if it were taken away I would be devastated.
I know that if I have many more bouts like that or if I keep staying like that I am gonna have trouble working....I'm in the real world right now and that little piece of me has control. I am wandering if I forgot to take my Geodon at some point because I still feel so desperate to stay in the real world. I know that I took it... I remember. Why do I keep slipping??? It has to be the stress. It has got me to the point that if I start yelling at the voices again.. I will try to remember to tell Mel too...that I may need to go to the hospital. Just stay in the real world, Jen. Just stay in the real one.....