Klonopin

Is the least addictive anti-anxiety medication, but you have to take it every day for it to help really. I take 1mg in the morning, and am allowed to decide to split it into .5 mg twice a day if I want, but I've found that once daily works better for me and my doctor is ok with that. Without Klonopin however, I have very bad mood swings and am much more terrified of everything than I am when I take it. Paula worries about the same thing with meds, she is proud of her sobriety... however because her problems are helped by the medication and it keeps her from wanting to use illegal things to self-medicate, we feel that she's being responsible by taking it as she's supposed to (she takes .5 mg three times a day) It's just like with me, I have diabetes and have to take meds for that, well the brain is an organ also, just like the pancreas or the heart, which I have to take meds for also. So try not to worry about Klonopin, it can be a lifesaver.

Spoke too soon

I am shaking and scared this morning. The attack started a few minutes ago. This one was triggered by the thought of Mel' cancer, Cory trying to emancipate himself, and Lisa's cancer. I took one of the Klonopin and about an hour later the shaking and the terror started again. So hell I took another one. Not supposed to but I can't take this terrifying edgieness. If I spelled any of that right I will be shocked. Ever since the dream I had last night, I have been scared and worried about Mel's cancer ...which should be over with now because the doctor thinks he got it all...but he is the one that claimed the polyps didn't look the least bit cancerous in the first place. Shouldn't they do chemotherapy just in case. I think they should give him a whole new colon...but...it doesn't seem to work that way. I"M FREAKING OUT!!!

Since I have seen the doctor

I have had no more of those absolutely terrifying panic attacks...I feel alot better. I haven't heard too many voices lately either. The Paxil 20 mg stopped my depression pretty much...I think so anyway. I just feel so much better. I haven't had to take any of the Klonopin either. I feel wonderful. I did have one bout with crying but that was for a reason..we just found out that my husband has a cancer called Adenoma. The doctor says he believes he was able to cut it all out though. I pray that he did. I need my husband.

I saw the doctor

He gave me another prescription for Paxil. This prescription is stronger then the one I had before. He thinks I was having those terrorizing panic attacks while my body was getting use to the Paxil 10 mg. He also asked if I was still depressed I said "yes". And he increased my dosage of Paxil to Paxil 20 mg and gave me something for those "really awful" anxiety attacks which would probably start up again with the increased dosage of Paxil. I explained how bad the attacks were and what happened to me when I had them. I started taking the Klonopin yesterday with my 20 mg Paxil and I did not have an attack. It was wonderful. I felt so clean and free inside. I guess suddenly not being in terrofying fear will do that to you. :) I feel like I have my mornings back. And I was ready to get back to work.
I may be schizophrenic but most of the time I am not paying attention to voices. The more I "listen" to the voices...the more I hear. So if I can keep my concentration on real life and what I am doing ...like work...then I hear less voices. I thought about what would happen if I didn't work and I know that I would be hearing more voices and going crazy. Sometimes though I get so caught up in the schizophrenia (the voices and the terrorized feelings) that I think I will end up going to the hospital. I get so involved in the stream of voices, the feelings things that aren't happening and the even seeing to many pictures in my mind that I actually begin to say to myself "I am going to end up in the psych ward soon". That is when it gets to be too much. Let me explain the "pictures in my mind":I see in my mind as if I am in some situation somewhere such as one vision went like this...I was driving down the road I saw myself get into a car wreck and I saw that people were calling the police and ambulances. I had whole conversations with these people. I was telling them that I was ok and I was asking the other people involved in the wreck if they were ok. No one was hurt so they sent the ambulance away. The car wreck was my fault so the police were writing those things up in their reports. After a while we were all free to go. And the vision was over. But I saw this happen in my mind and if I hadn't been on Geodon I would have believed that I had been in a car wreck and would've really hurt as though I had been in one. My mind saw it happen so I would have responded in every way that it did happen. But since I have been on Geodon I knew immediately after the vision that it was not true and it was the schizophrenia making me see and hear the whole thing...and my life resumed as normal. THat is the difference that the Geodon made...I knew it was fiction right after it ended. If I had not been on Geodon I would've went to the hospital claiming to be in a car wreck and that I needed a check up. When other people go into the hospital after there visions they usually get taken to the psych ward and they try to find out how long you have gone without your medication and the try to reregulate it. Lately, I thought I would be there twice in the last month. But once I get ahold of myself or finally remember that I am late taking my medication I usually get control within hours.

On the radio...

They said that studies found that Therapy was as effective as medication with mental health issues. I believe that. My therapist is able to shed some light in those dark situations for me. She said I was beating myself up too much about a "slip of the tongue" that I had a couple of days ago with me daughter.
I think also that the Paxil is causing more harm than good to me...I think it is the reason for the terror filled feelings I have had each morning. So I don't think it is right for me.

I can't take it anymore

I feel like I am going to break or something. The phone rang this morning...it was my son's aunt's number on the caller ID. I am afraid to return the phone call. I think they wanna tell me that Cory ran away again. I am petrified. But it's more then the phone...I am feeling this way EVERY single morning. I am having these horrible panic attacks every day now. I think it is the new Paxil. I was on Paxil CR but because they have been having problems and had to recall the drug...the doctor put me on regular Paxil. I didn't think it would be much different but all these panic attacks started about the same time that the new Paxil would've gotten into my system.
It takes me the longest time to return to normal after these attacks...I feel like I can't breathe. It is like someone slipped me a tablespoon of pure fear. The mornings I was having ...so relaxed and so quiet have begun to be the scariest thing in the world to go through. I can talk to my therapist about it on Tuesday but I don't know what else to do. I stay so nervous and I smoke so much more. I "hear" alot more but I can tell it is just my brain that is making the voices up...and not the conspiracy to drive me crazy. I use to believe that people were trying to drive me literally crazy because they thought if I went nuts then they wouldn't. The television started talking directly to me again last night...I had to roll over and think about other stuff so that I wouldn't hear the television. Something is going wrong with me. The Geodon usually takes care of things like "the conspiracy" and the television talking to me, the bathroom paranoia, but I still hear voices..but since it is just babbling I don't pay any attention to them. But lately, the last week or two, the voices seem to make sense again and they try to make me "feel" their pain.
The doctor told me once that added stress can cause the schizophrenia to "act up" again... like it use to. And the only thing I can think that is added stress is the fact that my son talks about running away alot now..but he told me where. And the added responsibility of sharing a bank account with my husband. We usually have our own accounts. I think I am afraid to let him down or something. Plus the added responsibility! It feels like I have a big block sitting on my chest. I don't know what it is.

Terrified

I feel terrified that something bad is going to happen. It has been going on a few hours now. I couldn't even go into Walmart with my husband. I just sat in the car glued to the seat. I told my husband that I was having a problem with the schizophrenia and he just new I couldn't go into Walmart. First time that that has happened. He understood. I really hope it calms down before I go to work in about 15 minutes. I have never called in to work because of the schizophrenia but I might need to. Not today. I can't afford it.

What a great day

Today I mowed the grass and despite my usual problems with loud sounds...I did not hear many voices. I stayed busy today and had a great day. Not much of a schizophrenic day but a REAL day. No "fake" feelings...by "fake" I mean feeling things like terror or feeling like I was being rapred. By "fake" I mean that there is no real reason for it. I was beginning to wander if the Geodon was doing any good anymore. But I did want to post that I had a REAL day. A wonderful real day...I got my yard mowed and didn't give up even though the mower broke down several times. With everything else I got done today it made it quite an accomplishment and I am proud of myself.It seems like it has been a long time since I had been able to spend an entire day in reality. A vacation from the voices and the games. I don't even want to talk about them tonight.

My Therapist

My therapist called me today to see if I was still having suicidal thoughts. I don't know why it shocked me but it did. She always tells me to call her if I have any problems because she can get things done faster..like run to my doctor's office and talk to him or to the nurse. I have had to call her three times since June. Twice because of the reactions I was having to the drugs..like problems swallowing-felt like seizures to me- and shaking on my left side..so on and so on. And I called her last Thursday because of the suicidal thoughts. Everytime she gets me results within a day. I won't say her name because it might not be safe. She's great. You hear stories about Mental Health Clinics and how they have so many patients that they don't have time to do things like this woman does...but she takes the time. I really appreciate her. And her assistants...LOL. I hope everyone can find someone like her.
I guess I need to say that all in all...considering what other schizophrenics hear...my voices are pretty mild. I have heard women scream and I have heard my mother say "you should just go ahead and kill yourself". She did not really say it..I imagined it. But I don't hear it all the time and that kind of stuff only happens once every few weeks or so. The voices, to me, are the easiest part to handle in my case. They are usually just nonchalant. Talking about much of nothing. Trying to get me to "play the game". A cruel game but I tell them it isn't real and life doesn't work that way and go on with my work. Some of the voices try to get me to feel things like being raped or tell me that because I didn't do something or say something right an earthquake happened. Which I don't believe. If I believe the voices things get real hard for me. Things get out of control and I think I barely make it through the night. But since I have been on Geodon I can tell the difference between real and schizophrenia...like I said before...without it I can't. Without it my life is insane. I am greatful to my doctor and my therapist and Geodon.

This morning

I was getting ready for work when I felt this feeling of sudden terror. It hasn't gone away yet. I feel like my chest is closed up and I am afraid to move around much.It is part of the schizophrenia. My medicine hasn't had a chance to work yet. They say it stays in your system even if you miss a pill. I was two hours early taking my Geodon yesterday but I was doing ok. I am scared to death of something and I don't know what it is. These attacks are usually in the form of panic or anxiety. Maybe it's both. I am also hearing a lot of voices. They won't shut up. I tried to ignore them this morning and it subsided. But now that's not even working. I even thought I heard my Aunt Lisa mind linking to me. So today I am having a bad relapse from my schizophrenia. No I feel like someone is trying to give me a headache. What am I going to do ..this is not getting better and I feel like I can't breathe. It feels as though all of the control I had because of the Geodon has disappearded and left me here to fend for my self. I feel brain racked there are about 4 or 5 voices talking at one time. And they don't stop. I thought writing this might help calm me down but it isn't working. I will read this later just to get alook of what I am like during an attack. This is definately a bad one. I wander if other people can tell.
I guess you could say that I am one of the lucky ones...by this I mean I don't react much visibly to an attack. Some people end up dumping their new cars on the highway because they think it is possessed by the devil. One woman believed that the devil was melting her insides...she hadn't taken her medicine in 3 weeks. Some people end up walking the streets trying to get away from the hallucinations. They think something has taken over their home or car and leave to get away from that "idea" or "vision". I read somewhere that very rarely do people "visibly hallucinate" like seeing things with schizophrenia...it is more like "Ideas" that they see. Not like a vision of a ghost but more like an idea of being possessed or in my case the idea of being watched while using the restroom. But I do see visible hallucinations. I see a picture of someone under me while I use the restroom. No I do not have some fetish of anything of that nature. But with the Geodon, my medication, it seems to mostly be gone. I also have another "idea" of something I called "brain-linking". It is when soemone else seems to try to talk to me through my mind.-------I am feeling better now-----. This brain linking thing has been going on for about 15 years now. But like I said before in my previous post...the Geodon helps me to understand and know the difference between real and schizophrenic features. So I just aknowledge to myself that that is the schizophrenia talking. :)
Life is hard with this disesase. From one day to the next all I wanna feel like is a normal human being. Sometimes I can't hear what people say because the voices get soooo loud. It is like someone screaming in my head. Just like someone screaming in your ear..it makes you feel agrivated, irritated and you wanna scream back. But wait I'm in a public place and it is just the schizophrenia. I reflex and look around to see if anyone else has heard it and no it is just me. I feel like a kid wanting to have a temper tantrum but Mama says I can't so I have to hold it in. What if I explode? Well then I am definitely going to the hospital because someone is going to call the police or ambulance if tell them what's going on.
Before I was diagnosed back when I thought it was all real...I use to have to run outside during work or run to the bathroom to get it out...whatever it was that I was going to retort to those dim whitted people now called "voices". There is also the times when a voice says they wanna kill your kids...That use to happen daily and I would yell then. I would yell that I terrorize anyone who touched my kids and this would always have me in a serious fight with my voices. I would be screaming at them and finally was in the other room...they heard me. This was about a year before I was diagnosed. I would go to the Mental Health clinic and talk to the psychiatrist but when anyone asked if I heard voices I always said "NO". Then they would think I was crazy..I was not crazy...I just had some issues...that's what I thought. I had been fighting voices for years by the time I was diagnosed. Literally arguing and fighting with them. The day I was diagnosed I cried all day. Not because I had schizophrenia..but because I had been fighting something for so long that was never going to go away...I began treatment and had some bad reactions but the second medicine(Geodon) was the one. It curves the paranoid attacks alot like the bathroom stuff and the fighting in my head. Also, the voices that wanted to hurt my kids are gone. But I still hear voices most everyday. Some days I'll get surprised and I won't hear any...but this is a whole lot better then what was going on before the medicine. The voices aren't so frightening and and my reactions to them are minimal. I am able to work and for the most part I seem to have myself together and that is my goal.

Somehow

I lost my newest Paxil prescription so the doctor wrote me out another one. SO I am getting back to normal in that area.Today I woke up early to start my day..which is how I usually feel on Paxil. It's the difference between not caring if I wake up in the morning to wanting to wake up and start living life. The only problem is that the only thing I really have to do is clean the house. So I started that and then I had enough of that and decided to get on the computer.
I'm not "hearing" anything today which is great. It is so quiet and peaceful. I didn't hear much at work yesterday either. That is a relief but a rare thing. I almost felt scared. But then I decided to take it for granted. I got a lot of cleaning done at the store. I hope it goes the same way tonight.

Suicidal thoughts

I think I mention that my refills ran out on my Paxil (antidepressant). But today I began having suicidal thoughts. I don't really want to hurt myself but I wander why I try so hard. And it would all go away if I wasn't here more. I went to court this morning about my girls and it was a great day in court. One of my daughters wants to start visitations and the other wants phone contact from me. You see I was gone for 2 and 1/2 years and from my kids while they were in welfare custody. But it was because I said something that really hurt them and I didn't remember saying. I thought how could I say something that awful and not remember it. This all happened before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was so scared I would hurt again if I didn't leave and find out what was happening to me. How could I say that and not remember???? But now I know why. But the court doesn't know why and doesn't know why I left and, frankly, they don't care. So the Judge continues to make me feel as though I was the awfulest person that ever lived.
WHen I first began to here voices I thought it was something amazing happening in the world. Then the voices turned "evil-like" saying things like my kids were being punished by God. Because I had them their fate was that God was punishing them. And they saidd that my kids lied. And they would always say that something awful was going to happen to my kids...it did happen...they were molested by my father. So I believed that the voices must've been God. And I believed that my family could send me messages straight to my brain. One time I heard my mother say "I wish you would kill yourself". I always heard things like that. Maybe it demented my mind.
But I still believe that if I hadn't have left the kids for 2 and 1/2 years to find out what was happening to me..that I would've hurt them again.
Today I saw myself drive off a cliff on a road that drove alongside of Fort Payne, AL. I could see myself doing it and then the next thing I saw was the road in front of me. I am having the uncontrollable tears again and I am real sad. I felt this way when my son came back from running away...though it was great news I ended feeling the opposite way. Just like now with the news that my daughter want to get closer to me and the court approved their wishes. I wander how Mel can stand to be married to me. I told him about the thoughts and he just got up from his chair and held me. My wonderful man loves me...I have to call my therapist.

I didn't realize

That I was not getting a refill on my antidepressant, Paxil. If I knew there was no refill on it I would have weened myself off of it slowly. So now I will be going down that bumpy road. I have been feeling the effects of the withdrawal. I am emotional and depressed. I started to read a book called "The Quiet Room" and ended up getting tearied eyed.
"The Quiet Room" is about a girl who has Schizophrenia. She attempts suicide several times. But in the end a drug called Clozapine helps her to start living again. It is a true story.
This last week has been almost a torment. My son ran off for a few days..he is 17 years old...and with that worry and stress comes more voices and schizophrenic affects. Any worry or stress..even a little bit..rares up the schizophrenic features 100%. I have been seeing pictures of certain people under my buttocks while I am urinating again. This totally makes me paranoid. Because I think they can see me pee. I am paranoid of people dying and the television is ttalking to me again. I also felt as if I was out of breath most of the day yesterday. Panic or Anxiety I think. I felt better after I talked some things out with my Aunt yesterday. I felt like I could finally breathe later that evening. And I also forced myself to relax.

Back on track

Finally, I am back on schedule with my medicine. It took two days to get it back on track and I am feeling the right effects from it. SWHEEW. My voices are down to minimal and I feel about "normal" again. As good as it gets, I guess. The last two days have been real hectic on my brain. It seems that I don't remember much of the weekend. I worked but the day is blur. I recall more the things I was hearing more then the things that happened in real life. It is sort of like being in a haze or a cloud. My mind constantly racked with schizophrenic delusions.

If I am late with my medications, such as, two hours or so I can tell immediately that I haven't taken it. I know what the term "peace of mind" means..and without the medication I have none whatsoever. I remember, before being diagnosed with schizophrenia, that the voices were so loud that I could not hear a person talk to me. I would miss whole sentences and more. This made it real hard to do my job...cashier.

Anyway, I feel so much better that I am going to bake some barbecue chicken breast with sauteed stir fry vegetables and baked beans...mmmmmmmmmm!!!

Yesterday...

I had another bad day yestersday. My voices were trying to send me their pain. One of them had a cut foot and she was trying to make me feel it. Another one was on "dope" and making me feel that he was "coming down" off the dope. I am kinda embarassed to write about it but that was the way yesterday went. I think I have my medicine back on track as of last night. A few days ago I took one pill 4 hours too early and it totally messed my cycle up. My medicine was off track for two days...can you tell?

AAAHHHHHHH

I can't believe it! I feel like screaming! I promised myself I would do whatever it takes to spend more time with my son. So I planned a four day visit. He would get to come and spend a whole four days with me. Then a couple of days ago he ran off with a friend and finally came back late last night...which is wonderful..truly..Thank God...I was so worried about him. But now he is grounded and can't come for the visit. I feel full of despair and I can't breathe. I know that the schizophrenia makes me feel alot of things like desspair, panic, terror and things like that out of the blue but why now. I got off track with my medications and now I'm going through this. I feel like nothing is going right. Everything just collapsed in front of me. Usually, I am extremely relieved when he comes home (he does this every few months).
I have to be honest, too....I am mad. Mad as hell at him for ruining this. It was supposed to be his birthday visit. I am more mad at myself though. And I feel like screaming. Screaming would help...it really would. I feel truly hurt, but I should not be feeling despair...I don't know maybe it's normal.
You know, with the schizophrenia I almost feel things to extremes. If I feel happy...then I feel real happy. If I am sad I feel real depressed..to the point of wandering what the hell I exist for. What's the reason for my life...was I too sick in my head with schizophrenia that I couldn't aknowledge real life at all...is this the reason for all this. I know that I was!!! I was cruelly shown evidence of this. Back about for years ago when my kids were taken away from their father by DFACS (welfare) I had written a letter to them claiming that God was punishing them for lying. I don't even remember writing this. I don't believe that He would..I was having a religious hallucination. I can't believe I said this to my kids. If anything I was being punished...my kids didn't want to live with me beofre the letter thing and I was devastated by it. I was obviously sick. But I have never done it again since then. WHY CAN'T I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY KIDS.
I can remember things I was hearing and pictures of things happening in mmy head that people claim have never happened. I remember things I was hearing...cruel things...more then I could remember things that really happened. I can't remember moments with my kids. I do remember that I couldn't get my kids to go outside and play like normal kids. Was it because of things I may have said to them. I remember going off , really upset about a "voice" telling me they didn't go outside and play because they were acting the opposite of normal, happy kids. Which meant my kids wouldn't be normal and happy because they were innocently involved in a "game" called "Being the Opposite". I went up and down through the house cussing and fighting with the "voices" that that was absurd and it was huting my kids lives. But the "voices" would make my kids play it anyway...without my kids knowing it. If one of my children brought home a bad grade or was failing a subject it was because someone else was making a good grade and my kids were playing the opposite. I only meant to protect them...I love my kids with everything in me. I remeber being so involved with the things I heard that I believed that I was being taught how to "break my voices" from making people, especially kids, play there damned games.
Nowadays, I still hear my "voices" claim that they are being the opposite of someone else. They only do this when they want to feel better.

God, I wish there was a cure for this...

Last night

Last night, I had a couple of schizophrenia bouts that were different from the ordinary. I work in a convenience store and it is a well built place. We are right on a major highway but you can't hear the traffic from inside the building. A couple of times I stepped outside to check garbage and the sudden roar of the traffic after opening the door seemed to open my head up and I could hear the fighting and about three separate voices. It was that sudden and as soon as I went inside it took just a few seconds to get myself in order. WHen I first opened the door I could heard an extremely loud roaring sound and then the voices started. I looked around to see if there were any reactions from the other people inside the store...there were none so I guessed that they didn't hear it even though it was soooo loud. It's a reflex now to look around and see if anyone can hear what I hear. But sometimes I think I can see them reacting to what I hear and that makes me paranoid that other people can hear it and it bothers them. Like my thoughts are out in the open and people can hear them. I don't know if I have explained it good enough to where you can understand this but I tried. But it was different from the normal "voices" and problems. I can't go into the cooler at work without at least three main voices and they seemed to be real loud attempting to MAKE me hear them even though I tell them I would rather not...RUDE...LOL! But when it gets this way I try my hardest to ignore them and do my job.

Before my medicine, I could be alone in the house and a "voice" would start an argument with me. I know that I could be heard from the street screaming back at the "voices" to leave me the hell alone. But they were real to me. Just like someone sitting right there fighting my head off. With Schizophrenia, there is definately alot more to it than "hearing voices". Especially the religious stuff. I have been going to church for about 4 months now and it definately helps keep the religious hallucinations at bay. I have seen pictures in my mind as if to say that "GOd did this to me" because of something that I had done. But going to church and learning about God helps to keep that at bay. Along with the medicine.

I know you pretty good.

I knew you would close yourself up and I knew it was all bothering you. I knew that I could say all those normal things anyone could say to you to be nice but that you wouldn't want to hear it. But the only thing I could really say is that I am sorry for all that you are going through...and mean it. I remember all those things that we did and how much fun it was. And for awhile while you were there family life seemed almost normal and great.

I can't tell you that you are going to be ok but I "feel" like you will be. Like you said about thinking that it is not too far along (the cancer, I mean).

And what the hell do you mean when you were "worth knowing". You always have been worth knowing. Don't let that man make you feel that way..he is a child rapist and that in the eyes of anybody is the nastiest form of vermin there is. He is just manipulating his daughter's feelings. Like he has manipulated anyone's feelings.

I also feel upset about your condition...I am the one who has smoked for 17 years. I am the one still struggling through the tabacco...It should be me. As for the energy try an overdose amount of "Red Bull" or ginseng. I drink about two and then take ephedrine. So I feel pretty good right now. I know you are scared and I pray that the cancer isn't any worse. I don't know what I would do but lock myself up in the house and cry all the time. I cried all day long when they said I had schizophrenia. I thought, all those years fighting off the "voices" and then I find out they will never go away. I felt so tired and worthless. I know that it is not the same. I guess I would be mad ...mad that I wouldn't have the time I needed with my daughters and my son. I know you are in alot of pain and going through a lot of trama right now. Try and make yourself stronger than the cancer.
I just fel like I don't know what to do or how to help. But I want you to know I am here for you at your will. Ok, If you need to let loose go for it.

In truth...I'm scared.

I have to tell the truth today, it seems to be my theme of the day today. I'm scared. I'm hurting a lot, physically, and I take my pain pills and other ones and just about anything I can take and it helps a little bit, then it comes back. I feel like it's spread farther than they think, I've been telling them for ten years that I had it, that I could feel it, but they just patted me on the head and said 'you're too young, you're not at risk' and even though I'm still almost 30 years too young even now, guess what, I do in fact have it and have been having the same symptoms for years now. I told my doctor flat out three years ago, "I honestly think I have cancer in there" pointing to my uterus and she nodded, and ordered an ultrasound but the results are always "inconclusive and since patient is not in the at-risk age group" which I got sooooo tired of hearing!!! And finally they find it and I go through a stage of being practically orgasmic with glee--FINALLY they BELIEVE me (the one thing I can't stand in life is being not believed, since I don't lie (ask Dee and Paula, they'd tell you...I've tried to lie to them before, and I simply can't.) Then suddenly I realize...wait, they finally found it, the cells are grade 2, which means that they're moderately agressive, pathology report says they're actively spreading...there is the slight but real possibility that I could...

die?


Whoa, hold the horses, that wasn't part of the plan. I spent so much effort on proving to them that I had it, that I didn't stop to think about the implications. When I actually GOT a copy of the path report and realized it wasn't quite what they'd said to me (of course, doctors always want you to think positive at least in the beginning), I wasn't quite as gleeful. And in truth, in absolute truth, going by the signals my body is sending me, I think it has spread further than they think but I do not think it's spread far enough to kill me, I think taking my girlie parts out will fix it...I think. (And then I remember the unexplained nodules on my lungs that were discovered about 4 years ago and get scared all over again) and I determine to myself, I'm going to get the other computer up and running again and FINISH that project once and for all (every time it nears completion, something important changes lol) and I really am going to do that, but it's going to be a little different than I had originally planned it, better in my opinion.

And I sit here thinking, there are a thousand things I need to do 'just in case' and anyway, after the surgery I'm going to be incapacitated for at LEAST two weeks they tell me, possibly more, after having to be in a hospital in a town over an hour away, alone, for at LEAST 3 days they tell me, so there are things I need to get done....but right now all I feel like doing is sitting here in front of the window. No energy at all, none, totally tapped out of that resource, and the pain on a 1-10 scale, even after one Vicodin 5/500 (smallest dose, the 7/500s make me sick) the pain is still a definite 7. But it's sunny outside my window and I just don't want to get up right now...I hope that's forgiveable. I'm scared, and I hope that's forgiveable also. And I'm sad...I don't wanna be thousands of miles from everyone. And yet I'd shut everyone out if they were nearby, so I can't win that one *sad smile* but at least I know you all knew me back when I was worth knowing. I always considered Jennifer more of a sister than a cousin, I remember a time when we were close, and I thought we told each other just about everything, at least the things we Could talk about. I mean, don't get me wrong, Dee's wonderful and she's standing by me fantastically right now and I wouldn't trade her for the world. But I wanna be kids again learning to skate in the carport and sneaking through the woods to see that big house that had the 'no trespassing' sign in the driveway. Why did everyone have to grow up? And why am I writing about all of this? And why won't they hurry and set a surgery date...and yet, I hope they wait because I don't wanna go to the hospital. Why can't I just rewind to 1983? I wanna lie on the floor and play pac-man on the atari and play with Ginger and go for walks to the park and do dishes with my sister every night and learn how to make chili all over again even though I know how, now. If I do die, I want to spend eternity in the summer of 1983.

I'm still around...

Just not feeling very communicative lately. The pain's getting worse every week even though it 'shouldn't hurt' and she gave me the bare minimum of pain meds which I'm still very grateful for, but I don't know how much more I can handle. I keep switching in and out, letting whoever handle things that can, but the result of that is that everyone around me is confused, and I feel frustrated. A little bit depressed about having this, also..the DID I mean. I don't want to be 'mentally ill', I want to be normal. I didn't ask to get born, why couldn't I at least be normal? Then I realize that I have a lot of advantages over people who don't split....and it makes me feel better somehow.