Feeling better

I feel much more optimistic about things lately. It just FEELS like all the things going on will be taken care of and fixed. My abcesses have stopped hurting and I'm working normal again. I was working...just kinda doped up. I feel fresh and free of the pain killers and the anxiety medications. Free like...free of "drugs". I guess on those kinds of pills I feel caged up...kinda held down to however the medication makes me feel...whether it be "drowsy", "high" or bogged down. I'm back on just Geodon and Paxil. And that is fine with me. Though I will be back on pain medications after the teeth surgery on May 3rd. I am not looking forward to that but I am looking forward to having the teeth pulled because this is the second abcess with one of them.

I will always remember what if feels like to come off drugs. I feel sure of myself, free from something that holds me back...it is like having my arms and legs untied after they have been held down for a year. I feel fresh and renewed. Like there is a new start for a life that wasn't going to work the way it was going. On drugs, there are very few ways out and only one good way out ..which is to quit them. The others ways out are prison or death. Though I was never much of a "pain killer" addict...I didn't like them...I could still feel the weight on my mind. It was very hard to hold my head up..in both physical and mental perspectives. I doubt that I would ever return to the "high life". I know how much I would lose from deep inside myself. I heard a phrase that got my attention this last week...That drugs and alcohol are used for "self-medication" of pain that has bothered us or A LONG TIME. It is exactly what happened to me all those years ago. So much pain...so much doubt...constantly scared...feeling like I HAD to take life the way it came instead of how I could make it better myself. Even the words don't describe it the way it felt.

I have come a long way...and even though it is a slow progress...it is always GOOD and going in the direction that keeps me improving myself, my relationships, my finances, and my life.

Between an abcess and a hard place

I take the pain killer for the relief of the abcess teeth, then take a Goody Powder for the relief of the headache the pain killer gave me. I hate pain killers; they make me sick to my stomach everytime I take them. But I can't stand the pain of the abcess so I'm stuck with it.

Feeling weird

I feel weird today. Kind of detatched from everything. I'm not hearing many voices but it is a strange feeling. For a few seconds, I feel normal and I do feel like I'm not being watched or any of the other Schizophrenic feelings. Then that feeling comes back...like right now it feels like I am watching myself type these words from another place. Like I am not realing doing it just watching it. It's kind of scary. I literally feel as though I am just going through the motions of work and stuff...must be all the worrying about Cory, Lisa and Mel.
And the othr feeling that I have is that I am so tired of being on these drugs. First, the Klonopin and now the pain killers for these two abcessed teeth. I feel doped up all the time and I don't care what the doctor's say it has some kind of effect on the Geodon....because instead of hearing voices...it feels like someone is literally putting their hands over my ears so I can't hear but I can still hear the rumbling of the voices. I wanna scream out "get your hands off my ears I can't hear anything"...but I can...it sounds like someone mumbling and they keep doing it and your are trying to hear them and wanna tell them to "speak up". I think maybe the abcesses are effecting my ears. It's all agravating. It is the third day on Penicillian so maybe the infection is starting to heal. I tried to go without taking the pain killer this morning but it all started throbbing again...I figured it has been three solid days on pain killers maybe I won't need one...but I was wrong.
Now it is all real quiet, no voices, no mumblings, that is not normal to me...I just feel real screwed up right now. Having a schizoid day with no schizophrenic features...in other words I am paranoid because I am not hearing voices and all the regular stuff. Actually paranoid....

Being without Klonopin

You were right, Lisa. I don't think it is the Klonopin that made me feel better...it looks like it is the Paxil. I have been without Klonpin since yesterday morning and I feel just as good as I did with it. I can really tell that the Paxil is kicking in.

But the truth is that Klonopin isn't making you feel that way...it doesn't make you feel that way. I've taken Xanax, and I've taken Ativan, and they both do, but Klonopin doesn't, so it's kind of a magic feather effect I believe, and if you can convince yourself you can still feel that way, you probably can...it would be more likely the Paxil than the Klonopin. And in MY opinion it's wrong to take you off of a medication that is doing what it is supposed to do: Relieve Anxiety. Self-medicating with drugs is much more dangerous, but properly using a medication is nothing to fear. That would be like me saying "well, I take this medication for my blood pressure, and hey, it worked, my blood pressure is fine now, so I'm going to stop the medication now..hey, if I have a stroke, well it's just that my heart got addicted to how it felt on the medication, but since it's working, I have to stop taking it." WTF?????

This mental conflict

I am still having quite abit of mental conflict about the Klonopin. It has helped alot and I am very glad to not have those terrifying attacks anymore. But I have this inner conflict with it. I am taking it and that's why it is helping. And I feel so much better after I take it...like I'm myself joking around and nothing getting to me...I feel great with it. That is my problem, I think. Maybe I am afraid I won't laugh anymore when I run out. Because the doctor will not keep me on it. It was just for about two weeks to get used to the Paxil. I feel free with Klonopin...free of anxiety and free of the schizophrenia actually getting to me....the schiz is still there but it doesn't bother me with the Klonopin. I just feel FREE. I like it too much. I don't really feel a "high" or a "buzz" off of it just "lightened up" from things. I am going on and on about it...but there is clearly a conflict inside me about it. I am worried about my sobriety. Isn't that how it all starts....we like something because it makes us feel better, loosened up, worry free and then we want to feel that way especially when we're down and depressed-so we use. It is the beginning of mental addiction-it is how it starts. I remember all too well. So I will be relieved when I am out of Klonopin....medication or no medication. Only 5 or 6 pills to go. And then I will feel a different kind of freedom...the inner strength and peace I feel truly sober...the greatest freedom there is.
I know that Klonopin is not as addicting as most drugs but there is the mental addiction which is worse. I was never worried about physical addiction..it is the "liking it" because of the way it makes me feel that I am afraid of. The truth is that if I keep on like this, I will try to buy them off the street...or xanax, which I LOVE a lot better. It feels like I'm fighting inside myself and I know one person who knows exactly what I mean and that is Paula. At first, I thought "Ill take anything to get rid of these attacks", and then it was "I am free of the attacks", next came "if I run out of Klonopin will I have more attacks"...but now it is "I like the Klonopin alot, the way I feel on it, joking around, but I KNOW what this can lead to".
It might be a different story if I was to stay on Klonopin like I stay on Geodon. But it is only two weeks worth. I don't think I am describing my conflict the right way.
BUT the bottom line is that ...I like the carefreeness and the the all around way it feels which means I will have a problem with it. After I am out of the medicine...I might try buying pills again off the street. I love my sobriety more so I think I will win this fight. I am too proud of my sobriety...3 years sober...I celebrated it for two days inside myself. I have NEVER been more proud of myself!! In all my life.
The doctor is being careful not to put me on something that might cause me problems with my sobriety...that's why it was only for two weeks. I am so glad that he is. I am and will always be a drug addict and though Klonopin is a presciption drug and works wanders for attacks as severe as mine were...it is one of those drugs that would start me backwards...because I like the way I feel on it.

I was thinking of your DID/MPD and I have some questions.

These question might bring out some conflicts with the Schizophrenia I have but I wanna know... You said that sometimes you know the person who is out in front and sometimes you don't recall any of it. I wanted to now when you KNOW who is in front is there like a kind of feeling signature or a brain signature from those alters that you can just tell who it is? Like some feeling that you get from each separate one and each feeling is different...is that how you know. Or maybe like a brain wave or a certain way of thinking that tells you who it is? And when you say that the personalities "have control"...do they feel pain? I mean I assume that they can get upset, irratated, or laugh at a joke. But can they feel physical pain or sickness? Or maybe there is an "alter" that takes control of something like that? I want to ask also...what happens if you are driving and the 5 year old comes out front? I mean this sounds pretty dangerous.

I wish I could describe so well what mine feels like.

I want people to understand better, but it's just so hard, because just talking about the subject often triggers switching and it's hard to keep up the flow of ideas. I'll see if I can describe it a little each time, perhaps that's the only way.
I have an inner 'system' of I believe 6. We range in age from pre-2, to my current age. Some insiders age, some don't. Some I have inside access to, some I don't. Each one appears to specialize by handling a particular emotion. Each has different likes and dislikes. There is one that when she is 'in front', I cannot remember anything from those periods of time no matter how hard I try. Each has a different name. When someone I can communicate with is 'in front', physically it feels like looking through binoculars to see what's going on right in front of me...I can see what I am saying and doing, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot control it. When it is someone that I don't have communication with but whose memories I can access, I don't know what they've done or said unless I go to a certain part of my mind and there I can access the information but it takes longer than just remembering something normally does. It's almost like watching it on a television screen.

There are times that things happen that are almost funny, when I try to look at them through an outsider's point of view.

Imagine that you're in an intimate, loving moment with your significant other, when suddenly your 5-year-old alter decides it would be much more fun to color or go play....lol, trust me, that's the end of that moment.

Or a problem that I frequently have...the one who goes grocery shopping with my girlfriend and helps picks out the food for the week is usually NOT the one who cooks it, or eats it. Which leads very often to: Me: "I'm hungry" Girlfriend: "We just went shopping yesterday, what do you want?" Me: "I don't like anything we bought".

We've learned...on occasions like Christmas or other gift-giving holidays, no matter how nice the clothes or other item she gives me, if there's not SOME type of toy involved SOMEone is going to sulk all night.

LOL TRY to win an argument with alters. Even I can't win. Imagine her frustration..."But you SAID you didn't mind (Insert topic of argument here)" Me: "SOMEbody might have said that, but *I* didn't say that." I have the same problem.

There are days where I'm what I call 'fraggy', where no specific personality is out long enough to be in charge and my emotions are all over the place. This happens most often if something's been going on that I can't decide how to deal with...different ones will try to deal with whatever's going on and then decide they can't and switch out, leaving me confused. These are the worst days, because I can't finish anything I start, can't follow conversations, can't keep up with appointments or what's going on in my life, and it's severely depressing. It's the most awful feeling I can imagine...inside physically it feels itchy and restless and frustrating.

And that's about as far as I can go on the subject today.

Been reading

Some say Schizophrenia is a cronic illness, others say it is a disease and still others say it is a brain disorder. Since most of them agree that Schizophrenia is caused by a severe chemical imbalance; I am going to call it a severe brain disorder. From my experience I would say that I am on the edge of calling myself mentally retarded. When I hear a loud sound, such as a loud truck driving by, it so distorted that sometimes it sounds as if men are screaming. Sometimes it sounds like the loudest roar you could imagine traveling right through my brain. I haven't thought too much abaout the reason but I can't bring myself to read a newspaper. When I think about reading the newspaper I feel some fear, distaste, and an emotion that seems to say "absolutely not". I can watch the news on tv most of the time though. When I am in a crowd...I mean a large crowd...I feel disoriented and also feel like I am falling into something I can't get back out of. But if I am with my husband I feel so much less of these feelings. Also, about the television, I can only watch television when something is on that I feel so wrapped up in... that my total concentration is on THAT show...such as Law & Order. I am totally into that show. If I watch something that has has my attention but not all of it totally, then I begin to hearing messages like someone giving me orders through the tv.
In a book I read called "Autobiography of a Schizophrenic girl" the girl, Renee, had delusions about a "system" that would punish her for whatever reasons; such as if she ate something that they ("the system") told her she couldn't eat. My big delusion was something of the same, but it was called "The Game". I would hear things such as "your brother will have a wreck" and if I didn't say "Whoa" or "No!" six times then they would say too late and I would either go to my brother's house or wait to find out if he had a wreck. The reason I had to say it six times was because two times meant I "evened it" and it would happen anyway. Three times meant it was a "no-go" which meant if he needed to go to the hospital he wouldn't make it in time, and there were reasons I couldn't just say it 4 or 5 times either. Six times meant I would stop the wreck and if that didn't stop it he would make it to the hospital. Stuff like this happened everyday and involved everbody that I loved. From my parents to my kids, Aunts and Uncles and friends. The "voices" would tell me that someone would die on a certain date and I had to pick which person would die or they would take one of my kids. I would never pick one I would scream inside my head "No one is going to die" six times. Then the "voices" would say I was pretty smart at the game. I went through that everday for about 12 years.
Now with my medicine, Geodon, I know that it was all not true...because it is gone now...just once in awhile like twice a month I'll get a voice that says something like those voices and I just ignore it knowing it is the Schizophrenia...knowing the difference between reality and totally untrue reality. And when I ignore it nothing happens. Once in awhile if I start "believing" in "The Game" I'll see something in reality that proves it's not true. I still here voices and see pictures of events such as conversation and things like that that are not really happening and never did happen. But it isn't the kind of thing anymore that seems to control whether I stand or sit (in obtuse terms)...it doesn't control me anymore. I like to say that it is "CONTROLLED" now.
I also read that while there are delusions there are not many Schizophrenics with visual hallucinations...in my case THAT is not true. I saw many hallucinations such as my mother looking right at me saying she wished I would kill myself so that she wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. That is just one of them. I just went to my room and stayed there for an entire two weeks. I would go to work then go to my room and stay there until time to work again. Just to stay out of her hair and not be a problem. I hated living there but it was because I of what my voices were saying...though I didn't think they were voices...I thought they were really saying that satuff. And then it would totally blow my mind when Mama would say "Why don't you come out of that room and be part of this family...you don't have to stay locked up in there?"
I was in that room when the worst part of it came. I had begun to yell and scream at my voices...arguing with them about everything they said. The whole family could hear me. All they would say was "Are you alright?" and I would say "yeah, it is just those dumbass's again". And walk away. In "The Game" there is a part of it called "sabotaging". If I were thinking of a plan to do something- anything from walking to the store to getting my kids to the hospital- the voices would yell out "sabotage" and it would mess up the whole thing. But I always got my kids to the hospital anyway even if the car wouldn't start for the first time in months. It seemed to work "their" way....the voices way. So I had to believe in it. I remember once I was driving down the road and one of the voices hollered "sabotage" and a few minutes later the car died in the mddle of the lane I was in...in the middle of traffic. So I rolled the car to the side of the road and walked home...not far. But when my exboyfriend went to fix the car and bring it home all he said he had to do was get in and crank it up. Then I just thought it was those "voices" ruining my life with their "Game"...so cruel...so sadistic...I thought. Now I am wandering if the car stalling in the middle of the road was just a hallucination, did I cut it off and push the car off the main road for no apparent reason. What other things was I doing like that and around my kids?

Had I become one of those people so "out of it" in their minds that they didn't know what they were doing most of the time?

Klonopin

Is the least addictive anti-anxiety medication, but you have to take it every day for it to help really. I take 1mg in the morning, and am allowed to decide to split it into .5 mg twice a day if I want, but I've found that once daily works better for me and my doctor is ok with that. Without Klonopin however, I have very bad mood swings and am much more terrified of everything than I am when I take it. Paula worries about the same thing with meds, she is proud of her sobriety... however because her problems are helped by the medication and it keeps her from wanting to use illegal things to self-medicate, we feel that she's being responsible by taking it as she's supposed to (she takes .5 mg three times a day) It's just like with me, I have diabetes and have to take meds for that, well the brain is an organ also, just like the pancreas or the heart, which I have to take meds for also. So try not to worry about Klonopin, it can be a lifesaver.

Spoke too soon

I am shaking and scared this morning. The attack started a few minutes ago. This one was triggered by the thought of Mel' cancer, Cory trying to emancipate himself, and Lisa's cancer. I took one of the Klonopin and about an hour later the shaking and the terror started again. So hell I took another one. Not supposed to but I can't take this terrifying edgieness. If I spelled any of that right I will be shocked. Ever since the dream I had last night, I have been scared and worried about Mel's cancer ...which should be over with now because the doctor thinks he got it all...but he is the one that claimed the polyps didn't look the least bit cancerous in the first place. Shouldn't they do chemotherapy just in case. I think they should give him a whole new colon...but...it doesn't seem to work that way. I"M FREAKING OUT!!!

Since I have seen the doctor

I have had no more of those absolutely terrifying panic attacks...I feel alot better. I haven't heard too many voices lately either. The Paxil 20 mg stopped my depression pretty much...I think so anyway. I just feel so much better. I haven't had to take any of the Klonopin either. I feel wonderful. I did have one bout with crying but that was for a reason..we just found out that my husband has a cancer called Adenoma. The doctor says he believes he was able to cut it all out though. I pray that he did. I need my husband.

I saw the doctor

He gave me another prescription for Paxil. This prescription is stronger then the one I had before. He thinks I was having those terrorizing panic attacks while my body was getting use to the Paxil 10 mg. He also asked if I was still depressed I said "yes". And he increased my dosage of Paxil to Paxil 20 mg and gave me something for those "really awful" anxiety attacks which would probably start up again with the increased dosage of Paxil. I explained how bad the attacks were and what happened to me when I had them. I started taking the Klonopin yesterday with my 20 mg Paxil and I did not have an attack. It was wonderful. I felt so clean and free inside. I guess suddenly not being in terrofying fear will do that to you. :) I feel like I have my mornings back. And I was ready to get back to work.
I may be schizophrenic but most of the time I am not paying attention to voices. The more I "listen" to the voices...the more I hear. So if I can keep my concentration on real life and what I am doing ...like work...then I hear less voices. I thought about what would happen if I didn't work and I know that I would be hearing more voices and going crazy. Sometimes though I get so caught up in the schizophrenia (the voices and the terrorized feelings) that I think I will end up going to the hospital. I get so involved in the stream of voices, the feelings things that aren't happening and the even seeing to many pictures in my mind that I actually begin to say to myself "I am going to end up in the psych ward soon". That is when it gets to be too much. Let me explain the "pictures in my mind":I see in my mind as if I am in some situation somewhere such as one vision went like this...I was driving down the road I saw myself get into a car wreck and I saw that people were calling the police and ambulances. I had whole conversations with these people. I was telling them that I was ok and I was asking the other people involved in the wreck if they were ok. No one was hurt so they sent the ambulance away. The car wreck was my fault so the police were writing those things up in their reports. After a while we were all free to go. And the vision was over. But I saw this happen in my mind and if I hadn't been on Geodon I would have believed that I had been in a car wreck and would've really hurt as though I had been in one. My mind saw it happen so I would have responded in every way that it did happen. But since I have been on Geodon I knew immediately after the vision that it was not true and it was the schizophrenia making me see and hear the whole thing...and my life resumed as normal. THat is the difference that the Geodon made...I knew it was fiction right after it ended. If I had not been on Geodon I would've went to the hospital claiming to be in a car wreck and that I needed a check up. When other people go into the hospital after there visions they usually get taken to the psych ward and they try to find out how long you have gone without your medication and the try to reregulate it. Lately, I thought I would be there twice in the last month. But once I get ahold of myself or finally remember that I am late taking my medication I usually get control within hours.

On the radio...

They said that studies found that Therapy was as effective as medication with mental health issues. I believe that. My therapist is able to shed some light in those dark situations for me. She said I was beating myself up too much about a "slip of the tongue" that I had a couple of days ago with me daughter.
I think also that the Paxil is causing more harm than good to me...I think it is the reason for the terror filled feelings I have had each morning. So I don't think it is right for me.

I can't take it anymore

I feel like I am going to break or something. The phone rang this morning...it was my son's aunt's number on the caller ID. I am afraid to return the phone call. I think they wanna tell me that Cory ran away again. I am petrified. But it's more then the phone...I am feeling this way EVERY single morning. I am having these horrible panic attacks every day now. I think it is the new Paxil. I was on Paxil CR but because they have been having problems and had to recall the drug...the doctor put me on regular Paxil. I didn't think it would be much different but all these panic attacks started about the same time that the new Paxil would've gotten into my system.
It takes me the longest time to return to normal after these attacks...I feel like I can't breathe. It is like someone slipped me a tablespoon of pure fear. The mornings I was having ...so relaxed and so quiet have begun to be the scariest thing in the world to go through. I can talk to my therapist about it on Tuesday but I don't know what else to do. I stay so nervous and I smoke so much more. I "hear" alot more but I can tell it is just my brain that is making the voices up...and not the conspiracy to drive me crazy. I use to believe that people were trying to drive me literally crazy because they thought if I went nuts then they wouldn't. The television started talking directly to me again last night...I had to roll over and think about other stuff so that I wouldn't hear the television. Something is going wrong with me. The Geodon usually takes care of things like "the conspiracy" and the television talking to me, the bathroom paranoia, but I still hear voices..but since it is just babbling I don't pay any attention to them. But lately, the last week or two, the voices seem to make sense again and they try to make me "feel" their pain.
The doctor told me once that added stress can cause the schizophrenia to "act up" again... like it use to. And the only thing I can think that is added stress is the fact that my son talks about running away alot now..but he told me where. And the added responsibility of sharing a bank account with my husband. We usually have our own accounts. I think I am afraid to let him down or something. Plus the added responsibility! It feels like I have a big block sitting on my chest. I don't know what it is.

Terrified

I feel terrified that something bad is going to happen. It has been going on a few hours now. I couldn't even go into Walmart with my husband. I just sat in the car glued to the seat. I told my husband that I was having a problem with the schizophrenia and he just new I couldn't go into Walmart. First time that that has happened. He understood. I really hope it calms down before I go to work in about 15 minutes. I have never called in to work because of the schizophrenia but I might need to. Not today. I can't afford it.