The "negatives"

I am dealing with alot of the "negative" symptons of schiz. The feelings that are being caused from it. I feel excited, scared, etc. Negative symptons are things like depression, tiredness, being afraid, paranoid, etc. Positve symptons are "talking to myself", hearing things, etc. I do not like the phrase "talking to myself"...it really bothers me. Because to me, I am hearing people talk to me and I am in turn answering or talking to them...talking to the voices...At no time am I talking to myself...it just looks that way. That's like...well see...to other people it would seem as though I am "hearing voices" but they are not "voices" to me. They are people with names and attitudes and they are in my life everyday...I NEVER see them as voices...Oh, I have tried to just tell myself "it is just voices" but I can't. They are real to me...with real problems and real fears. If I start to try to acknowledge them any other way; then I have the thoughts that I am "crazy" to handle with it. I do not think of myself as crazy, insane or psychotic...which is scientifically what I am. If I begin to think of myself as crazy, psychotic, etc.... I feel like everything that I am trying to accomplish is going to be all for nothing because it is only a matter of time before I have to end it and draw my check every month. Which is where I am ultimately going to be someday. Thinking of the scientific terms just make me feel like I am working HARD to get nowhere fast...it would all be for nothing. I am realising how hard I have try to hide everything. Because if my boss saw it ( which he DOES know about the schiz), I mean saw everything, then what would he do? I am getting depressed just thinking about it. I am crazy...but I am making it.

"Psychotic Features" was what they said I had. In psych it means to hear or see things that are not real. Psychotic Features... Damn... What a way to have to live...How in the world could it be so damn hard to get through...This is not something that is going away...EVER. All that time believing it was real...fighting with them...trying everything in the world to get them to go away...and it is not going away. Sometimes, I feel so afraid that I can't talk or think, I just sit there and feel this damn petrifying feeling for no reason. There is not even a thought of why this is happening..the feeling is just there. I get so scared that I can't hear the voices talk to me anymore..like my brain just shuts off. I am consumed with this fear. DAMN!I really feel like it is a matter of time before I am completely off my rocker and not able to work. But right now I work...I hope it ain't all for nothing..I had a whole career planned...........

I am completey scared right now

I am so scared that my soul feels like it is hurting...all the way to my fingertips. You know the feeling like your you know someone is going to break your heart or that you are afraid that they will...so you become so anxious and paranoid about it that you can already feel your heart break. That is what it feels like. Sometimes I get paranoid that I am not breathing right and I have to find someway to get fresh air. People are talking to me again with their brain stems. They brain link and say "Are you Jennifer McDonald?" I even answer them sometimes. But I don't think that I am under any stress. There are some people that call me names like "nigger", "slut" and "bitch". I hear it all the time. I heard my husband say "you look ugly and you are fat". Oh, by the way, I am white. The south...gotta love it. *sarcasm*!! I told my voices that the only time I get these panic attacks are when I am at home...had two at work though, my voices said that something must be wrong at home, then. I can't say what it could be. Sometimes, I think I should really look to see what it is and IF there is anything wrong at home...but then I think I may be asking for more problems...It all really started when Mel got the call that he had cancer. Sometimes, I just don't feel comfortable here since then. I think I am in fear that it will all fall apart. But I will stick with Mel through everything. I love him.

Vacation

I took a part of my vacation from work this week. I got alot done. I am not having too much trouble out of the schiz this week, so far. Mel doesn't have Cancer for now anyway. It'll be three more years before we know again. But it looked good.

I am now going to go to bed and just lay there. Maybe sleep, maybe not. Where ever my vacation takes me is where I am going to go. Just staying at home with know time line on anything. I kinda have a headache but I am sure it is because I was out in the sun and heat most of the day. Feels good to be outdoors. Good night...

Oh, I did watch a movie tonight named "Troy". It was great but afterwards I felt like my brain was "linked" to Brad Pitt..who does show his buttocks in the movie..wheeeeweee!!! That is about the only episode of the schiz that I had...and wouldn't you know it...I had to use the restroom while he linked...gross!!! Mostly, though, when I watch a movie that I relly get into, I always feel like I am getting "brain-links" from the actors in the movie and we discuss the movie. Just another part of the schizophrenia.

I would also like to say that this site has been up for a year now. This month marks a year of my schizophrenic and mental illness blog. I am excited even though no one else has joined...I still believe that it is a good idea. I have two support groups that I go to every now and then. One of them is schizophrenia.com and the other is support4hope.com. The first one is only for schizophrenics but the second one is for ALL mental illnesses. Schizophreia.com is more to let you speak your mind as long as you don't try to get other people to stop taking their medicines. That's a "no-no"! And support4hope.com will not let you discuss suicide or feelings of suicide. Each one has it's purpose for me. But lately, I have been trying to live WITH the paranoid schizophrenia, instead of LIVING it. which means the schizophrenia is not on my mind all the time anymore...or the issues that it causes with me. It is more like living with a disease that is treatable...you live your life AROUND it and with it. You don't make the disease and every part of it the only thing you think about anymore. I will not let it disable me!!! I can't live my life afraid of everything like some people do. Don't get me wrong...other schizophrenics can't help it...but I think my "common sense" is over powering my schizophrenia. Or hell, the medicine just might be working better since the psychiatrist upped my dosage. I reallly have to admit that to myself. But common sense has a lot to do with the schiz not disabling me completely.

Now, since I am on the schiz subject, my mind is now trying to tell me that my voices caused this headache. That they (the voices but to me they are people) are trying to make me sick on my vacation. But I reallly think I was out in the sun too much today. So now, I am going to go lay down....

"Walking Away"

I had another bad bout of the schizophrenia. I cried most of the morning and then half of the afternoon I felt as though if I could just start walking down the street and not say a word to anyone everything would be fine...just disappear. These are dangerous...I would say that these are my "suicidal thoughts". See, let me explain, if a schizophrenic has suicidal thoughts it is supposed to mean that the person should be in the hospital and have their medications readjusted. It is suppose to be the "sign" that the medications aren't right and the person should go straight to the hospital if they are having suicidal thoughts. It means something is really wrong. So what they do is hospitalize you in the psychiatric ward and do a little manipulating with the medications for about 3 days.

The two times when I thought I should be in the hospital for schizophrenia, I wasn't thinking of suicide...ok, a little,....but I KNEW I wouldn't try it. I think that the extent of my "suicidal thoughts" is that I get a real intense feeling that I should just start walking down the road, without a goodbye or explaination and leave it all behind, then things would be so much lighter a load to handle. The intensity of wanting to do this is something pretty powerful. Like yesterday, I could see myself leave the store, (I work) and with every step my cares and my pain and my worries and all the stress began to lift off my shoulders....and I could see myself living alone...it seemed SO much an easier thing to do...could you imagine. I have an intense fear of showering...I feel as though people are watching me and I can't shake it..I could just imagine that I wouldn't feel forced to shower everyday anymore because I wouldn't be working... I would just be walking. No more feeling like someone is going to hurt me because they can see me everytime they want to. I live so scared of the simplest things. The idea just seems like heaven to me.

At the same time, I have this, also intense, feeling that I should be in the hospital that something is definitly wrong with me. I even took an extra dose of Geodon yesterday...didn't do anything. Everything felt so wrong inside yesterday, I knew that that was my sign to go to the hospital...I should have went but dammit I was just out of work two weekends ago for that toothache. It wasn't until last night about the last hour of work that I felt alright again. The next time I should probably go.

Pain

Been to the dentist. Had to have a wisdom tooth cut out of my head. Oh Lord, at the pain. It didn't hurt while he was gauging at it but it sure does hurt now. It is funny how serious pain can put you in a delusion or hallucination or SNAP you out of one very quickly. I was delusional when the tooth was abscessed and throbbing. But now that the tooth has been removed I am in a constant agonizing pain and I am not the least bit delusional, I think, anyway. I am questioning myself right now. Because I am remembring talking to people who AREN'T here again. I think I do this daily...it is like a second nature to me to talk with people I knew a long time ago. Weird, I guess, I have been delusional after all. Oh well...onward. I have pain killers but they are not doing the trick.

Time to go suck on a cigar...I guess anyone can tell I am a little sarcastic tonight. I haven't heard from my Aunt Lisa who just had surgery yesterday and I am frustrated about that and the damn hole in my gum the size of Canada!!!

Well, for once...

I get to write about a spectacular day. I had one yesterday...no delusions, hallucinations and barely a voice. And the voices that I did have went away, it seems, the second that they got started. I was busy all day and I got a lot of work done. It was wonderful. I haven't had a day like that in a while. It was soooo nice to feel normal again. I hope today is the same way. A little paranoid this morning because my mother and my aunt are having surgery this week and next week. But I guess that is normal to be worried that something might go wrong.

Oh, what I could do with my life if I could always have days like yesterday. Though I should never let the schizophrenia have control over my life like it has control over some peoples lives. I felt so much like myself yesterday...Please could I feel that way again??? I will try to make it...with the way I did yesterday. I did get to "see" how differently I reacted to the symptons that I did have. My brain just acknowledged the voices as nonsense and I began to stay busy again.

And today I will know how everyone is doing after their appointments later on today...so I will try not to think and worry about it until there is something for sure to worry about. Take life one minute at a time.

I realize...

I realize that I am doing things ALMOST normally. I said, in a post somewhere, that I have to learn to live WITH the schizophrenia; not LIVE the schizophrenia. I am doing somewhat better. I did have a relapse the other night...due to a toothache though. Something about having pain or an illness near my brain that really makes symptons extremely hard to deal with. It isn't just hard to deal ...it is like nearly necessary to go to the hospital. I couldn't coherently hear my customers for the roaring and yelling of the voices. The pain I was feeling seem to show itself through the strength of the volume of the voices. It seems that if I have a head cold the voices get really strong but seem scattered brain. It is like a lot of chattering about nothing. But if I am in pain, such as a toothache, the voices are real strong sounding and loud...like they are fighting against each other...almost like a verbal war.

But...

I was saying in the beginning of this post that I am starting to live WITH the schizophrenia instead of focusing on the schiz..I am focusing on my life. I am dieting and driving and cleaning the house and now I don't dwell on every little schizophrenic thought and reaction I have to it. The paranoia has lessened a good bit since I don't worry so much about the thoughts I have. Now I just need to get rid of the voices...especially the one named Samantha!!!!!!