I have to tell the truth today, it seems to be my theme of the day today. I'm scared. I'm hurting a lot, physically, and I take my pain pills and other ones and just about anything I can take and it helps a little bit, then it comes back. I feel like it's spread farther than they think, I've been telling them for ten years that I had it, that I could feel it, but they just patted me on the head and said 'you're too young, you're not at risk' and even though I'm still almost 30 years too young even now, guess what, I do in fact have it and have been having the same symptoms for years now. I told my doctor flat out three years ago, "I honestly think I have cancer in there" pointing to my uterus and she nodded, and ordered an ultrasound but the results are always "inconclusive and since patient is not in the at-risk age group" which I got sooooo tired of hearing!!! And finally they find it and I go through a stage of being practically orgasmic with glee--FINALLY they BELIEVE me (the one thing I can't stand in life is being not believed, since I don't lie (ask Dee and Paula, they'd tell you...I've tried to lie to them before, and I simply can't.) Then suddenly I realize...wait, they finally found it, the cells are grade 2, which means that they're moderately agressive, pathology report says they're actively spreading...there is the slight but real possibility that I could...
die?
Whoa, hold the horses, that wasn't part of the plan. I spent so much effort on proving to them that I had it, that I didn't stop to think about the implications. When I actually GOT a copy of the path report and realized it wasn't quite what they'd said to me (of course, doctors always want you to think positive at least in the beginning), I wasn't quite as gleeful. And in truth, in absolute truth, going by the signals my body is sending me, I think it has spread further than they think but I do not think it's spread far enough to kill me, I think taking my girlie parts out will fix it...I think. (And then I remember the unexplained nodules on my lungs that were discovered about 4 years ago and get scared all over again) and I determine to myself, I'm going to get the other computer up and running again and FINISH that project once and for all (every time it nears completion, something important changes lol) and I really am going to do that, but it's going to be a little different than I had originally planned it, better in my opinion.
And I sit here thinking, there are a thousand things I need to do 'just in case' and anyway, after the surgery I'm going to be incapacitated for at LEAST two weeks they tell me, possibly more, after having to be in a hospital in a town over an hour away, alone, for at LEAST 3 days they tell me, so there are things I need to get done....but right now all I feel like doing is sitting here in front of the window. No energy at all, none, totally tapped out of that resource, and the pain on a 1-10 scale, even after one Vicodin 5/500 (smallest dose, the 7/500s make me sick) the pain is still a definite 7. But it's sunny outside my window and I just don't want to get up right now...I hope that's forgiveable. I'm scared, and I hope that's forgiveable also. And I'm sad...I don't wanna be thousands of miles from everyone. And yet I'd shut everyone out if they were nearby, so I can't win that one *sad smile* but at least I know you all knew me back when I was worth knowing. I always considered Jennifer more of a sister than a cousin, I remember a time when we were close, and I thought we told each other just about everything, at least the things we Could talk about. I mean, don't get me wrong, Dee's wonderful and she's standing by me fantastically right now and I wouldn't trade her for the world. But I wanna be kids again learning to skate in the carport and sneaking through the woods to see that big house that had the 'no trespassing' sign in the driveway. Why did everyone have to grow up? And why am I writing about all of this? And why won't they hurry and set a surgery date...and yet, I hope they wait because I don't wanna go to the hospital. Why can't I just rewind to 1983? I wanna lie on the floor and play pac-man on the atari and play with Ginger and go for walks to the park and do dishes with my sister every night and learn how to make chili all over again even though I know how, now. If I do die, I want to spend eternity in the summer of 1983.
2 comments:
Lisa, you have ALWAYS been worth knowing to me. We let all the crap get in our way, but I always loved you, that never ever stopped. I and I love you now, just the way you are.
You couldn't have given it to yourself anyway...no matter how much you wanted to prove they were wrong.
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