Something is wrong with me....

I can't seem to stay awake and I feel like all my muscles just don't work anymore. I'm not taking Klonopin in the mornings like I was prescribed (one in the morning; one at night) because I would sleep until 1:00 pm in the afternoon. I only take Paxil Cr and Depakote in the mornings now. I feel so lazy that I just don't have any energy. This depresses me so much. I am going to see my physical doctor about this and then address my psychiatrist about it. I have never been lazy like this...it is rediculous. I hope I don't have cancer or something. I have been having sharp stabbing pains at the left ovary and my left leg stays in pain.

I will post when I find out something.

Almost did it last night.

The only thing that stopped me was that I sat down on the ground to wait a bit and I was too fat to get up in time...mental note, next time don't sit down. After a while it became funny in a sick way, but definitely funny, and I just went home.

I have my suicidal days too...

I've gotten as far as having a definite plan outlined in my mind for when the time comes. No pills, that's not reliable and could just leave you embarrassed or comatose. No knives or guns either, not reliable enough either. My way is absolutely foolproof, and just knowing that keeps me from doing it in some strange way. It's like it's always there, if I need it, but nothing so far has been quite bad enough to need it. I think it's more of a feeling of knowing that I could control it if I absolutely had to that helps.

Suicidal...

If y'all don't know already I go to a Mental Health Clinic of this county. (No need to name it). The psychiatrist sees you for a grand total of 15 minutes maximum and that is to get medicine and refills and you see a therapist for all that you need to talk about. Well, my therapist likes to talk about her family problems and such. I like her as a person; she is great, but as a therapist she sucks. She had the nerve to ask me why I was suicidal...REALLY!!! How the hell am I supposed to know I feel this way for no reason as far as I am concerned.
I dream of taking the whole bottle of Geodon I have plus other meds. I feel like I am barely hanging on. I am scared to death my daughter will see it and know about it...So now anyway, my husband, who is literally my life saver through this is setting me up with a REAL psychiatrist. One who listens to your problems and then decides on advice to give you from 12 years of schooling not two years of tutoring. This has got to work. I'm at the end here. I'm desperate.

Depression

Dee's job may be closing sometime in the next year. Or it might not be. Depends on who you believe, but it made the front page of the newspaper so it's not just rumors. That happens, we live on my $856 a month. This is the first place I've lived that's felt like home in ages, and I'm scared to death that we'll lose it. Not only that, but it's actually a very cheap rent for this area, and finding another place is extremely hard. I'm fighting it but the depression is taking over and I'm already hating 2008.

My Paxil keeps me alive.

We didn't have any money so I didn't have any signs of a birthday. Shouldn't matter, I know...but it does. I guess on the bright side, no cake means no calories, right?

Whatever.

This Christmas...2007

I spent the last two weeks coming off of Paxil CR cold turkey. I ran out and had no money to get anymore. My own fault I wanted to have a Christmas this year. I had nightmares every night at least 5 times in the night where I would wake up and go back to sleep to get a whole new nightmare. It was awful. I will never let them put me on it again. I would have been able to get it filled if my insurance company (still good insurance though) hadn't decided to raise its co-pay on Paxil CR to $22 every refill. Usually would only be $9. Paxil is a contreversal drug these days. But it helped me it just wasn't helping enough. They raised Paxil CR as high as they could raise it for me and I still had suicidal thoughts. But I didn't want to commit the suicide but the thoughts aren't what I want to have entering my brain either. SO I decided it is time to try something else. Yes, I do need my psychiatrist's permission to get something else. We'll see what she recommends. But it turned out to be a sad CHristmas with the death of my stepo father and memories of the 2006 Christmas we all had together...I missed him so much. I went through that alone, too. Afraid it would ruin my mothers Christmas if I were to talk to her about it...so I left it alone. I missed my last therapy and need to make another appointment. I will next week.

That's about it..still awaiting the arrival of my grandson in February. I can't wait.

Attacks

I have been having attacks every week, lately. They are of course differentt as all of them are except for the black fear I feel inside. I had two this week. I am out of three medications but they are just for moods besides Topomax...forgetfulness...so they say. I forget major things. But so far so good in college.

Yeah, I decided to go to college online; an accredited school, of course. I can only imagine what I'll learn. I am trying to get my Associate Degree in Information Technology. So far I have good grades and all is well. I am in the third week. It isn't as easy as it sounds ...it's real college..but there are reason I would rather go to an on-campus college and also very good reasons to start out at online college. My disabilities are thew best reason. I want to go to another college to get my Bachelor's Degree.

I tried to work for 3 1/2 years with voices so loud I couldn't hear my customer's. Going into black periods when I totally can't remember what things are around me and be so scared because of the black terror that creeps up inside me until I'm afraid to move. Coming home from work and sitting in my safe spot on the couch all curled up. Sometimes the voices are nice and help talk me through them. Sometimes I just need two Klonopin to stop it cold but then I knock out. Then there are times that the attacks last for hours and I just can't get myself together. But I am having them every week now. I just can't work like that. But I am not done trying to work. While getting my Bachelor's I will try again hopefully more stable in a good job.

October 6th to 8th, 2007 nighttime

I was at my mother's apartment when I began to leave...I noticed I was feeling lightened up suddenly but sad at the same time. It was my Step father's birthday October the 6th and I think I left Mama's at 12:00 am on the 6th. Anyway, she needed this time to herself so I left. But earlier that morning I noticed I had run out of medication and didn't have anymore to take of anything except my Paxil CR (anti-depressant). So I took it that morning thinking I would have to go without the meds today because I didn't have time to go to the pharmacy before I left on my trip. I was going out of town. ALONE!

Anyway, I made it through the whole day and then as I was sitting there talking with Mama I became uneven...mood swinging really sharp-like...crying then laughing then crying again. I know it had alot to do with the subject of my step father Larry F. Dooley and that I was worried about my mother. As I left I went on down the road and got about 20 miles down the highway where I was to change roads and they had blocked it completely off. They had big barrels all the way across it. So I had to turn around and go completely back to where my mother lived nearly and go another way. I would have to go through Tennessee. Chattanooga is complicated for me to go through but I had done this one before and it was the only other way I knew to get home. That's when I started to freak out and the main voices came. Loud and chatty at first. Once I knew I would have to go through Chattanooga, it all began. I was tired from driving all day, also. Then there was the fight with my 19 year old son.
At first, the voices said "I'm home!!!" I said nothing. Then the voice said "You scared me to death!" Talking as if to me and about me doing something. Then something else was said "Do you know who this is?" And since most of my voices have names I did know who it was. I said "Yeah...How are you?" He said "Fine, now." and "And how are you?" I said "Great" I think. And I had a speed limit change and let off the gas. Then another voice jumped in and they began talking and the first voice said to me "Here's you something to make it home on." Talking about the thing we call "running medicine". Makes you awake and you can get all your work done easy. It makes you feel good, too.
Anyway, I didn't hear too much from him except that I could hear myself chatting what I was thinking out to the world...but that is not what I meant to do. It is like speaking into a microphone and you think that the whole world can hear you. But all I was thinking about was how NOT to get lost. Oh the voices, made fun of me if I studied to long on which way to get back on to the on ramps and things like that but it didn't get so bad till I got home...and I made it with no false turns..THANK YOU!
After I got home about 5:00 am I rested. But I couldn't sleep. My husband called at 6:24 am to get me to meet him at the car rental place to return the car....uggghhhh!!! So I got ready and met him there and the voices did follow. I finally got to sleep about 7:30 am. I slept all day but instead of the voices being dulled down they were still there and loud as ever. This is when the tactile (touching and feeling ) hallucinations began. I felt I was being raped anally and put myself back to bed trying to put up my sheild. But it seemed to fail. Now, I did not come up with the shield on my own the doctors told me to make myself a shield and use it. I myself thought that means more schizophrenic thoughts but...! Anyway, I went back to sleep and slept again and it was too late on Sunday to get my prescriptions filled so I had to wait. I ended up waiting until Monday afternoon at 4:30 pm. Then I got them all and it took about 3 hours for the Geodon to set in and the voices calmed down with the Respirdal. It took a couple more days for me to feel better. It is early morning on the 11th now. Rough weekend!!!!

In Loving Memory of...

Larry Franklin Dooley

October 6th, 1952 - July 13th, 2007

May you rest in peace throughout eternity.




I had known Larry Dooley for about 16 years and he had always treated me like his daughter. I was legally his step-daughter though. I knew him pretty well but I didn't get close to him until I moved in with him and my mother in June 2001. I decided I had baetter help around the house so I helped Larry take care of the "jungle" yard that we had. It had to be mowed and weedeated every week so snakes wouldn't come close to the house. Larry and I tackled that grass every time we had a day off...whew!
I got really close after the Doctor said Larry had Lung Cancer and it had spread to his Liver and Brain. I would come down from Huntsville every chance I got to spend some time with Larry. We talked alot about Mama and Mel and our relationships and how much we loved them the way things were. But all I kept thinking was that he was going to die on me and I would get so sad and cry on the way home after visiting with my kids. It made me so sick that such a good person could get such an awful disease. Larry was the kind of man who would help anyone he could whether asked to or not. I miss you, Larry!!!! I'll never ever forget you!!!

WAS Suicidal...

I was not thinking good at all. I ran out of Paxil CR, my anti depressant, and got so many suicidal thoughts that I wanted to carry them out but I was just too scared. I mean why live anymore I couldn't even work at a fast food restaurant right. How was I gonna find a better job. I was so unhappy there anyway. But I had to work. Turned out I am not a 16 year old who can run around and twist and turn on a dime like they can so I was slow. I need a place that takes a little more time to take care of their customers rather worry about getting an order out in 30 to 60 seconds...hahahaha. I was way better at customer curtousy then that fast food place was!!!! In my two months there, I had three attacks...that's alot...alot of pressure. Anyway, the thoughts were of me turning the car across the median and facing oncoming traffic at a high rate of speed. Most of the time that was it. But I got my Paxil filled and after a couple of days I was fine again. Clinically depressed is not fun. If I can't get a job soon I am going to have to go for disability....

In Loving Memory of...

Larry Franklin Dooley

October 6th, 1952 - July 13th, 2007



I will never forget you!!!

My Step Father

After an 8th month battle with Lung Cancer, my Step Father,(who was very close to me) died on Friday, July 13th, 2007. I was there when he died and saw him take him last breaths. It does things to a person...hell, seeing an animal die does things to me. I was so sad for him the whole time, ever since they explained he had the cancer. This is why I haven't written in this blog in so long...I was so overwhelmed and haviing schiz symptons and trying to work. I had attacks ever other week and every few days. I spent months thinking some magical power I had would save him but then he died...one weekend I was talking to him and joking around and the next week he died.

I should explain my attack that I had. I was at work at a fast food restaurant when the blackness started over powering my head and I could feel it in mychest. Just like a slow covering tar creeping on me with the feeling of fear and terror attached to it. I went to the back of the restaurant and kinof got dizzy. Then there was this shard of pink see through glass that was floating through my brain trying to cut my brain. Then there were alot of pieces of glass trying to cut my brain up....I felt like I had to hide all of a sudden so I tried to walk across the room....I made it but as I got to the other side a feeling hit me and it went from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet and I fell to the ground right then. I had no control anymore. But when someone else tries to talk to me sometimes I can understand and sometimes not...this time I understood my boss and I was told in short to go home if I could drive...it took a few minutes to get my legs working but I had already taken two Klonopin about 45 minutes before this and it was beginning to clear where I could go home. And I went homeand went to sleep. Back in my "safe place" on the couch with a blanket. That's All

I got my medications back!

I went to the Mental Health Center and told them about the psychiatrist not listening to me when I tried to explain to her that it the prescriptions were wrong on some of my of my meds and though they didn't believe me....the one nurse worked her butt off to get my meds to me before the next day was over!!! And they switched my psychiatrist. So maybe they did believe me...I'm back on the Topomax, Resperdal, Klonopin, Depakote, Geodon,and Paxil CR I was on before I got mad and refused to go back to Mental Health for two weeks...man, what a rough ride that was. Now the voices are pretty much gone and there are NO delusions and hallucinations after just two days back on the meds...THANK GOD and thank the nurse!!! No brain links, no drug addicts, no anything!!! Now for a cup of coffee and it is time to take my meds again...nearly 7:00 pm...gotta go!

Hallucinations

For the last two days, I have been so paranoid about different things. I was so depressed I thought about running my car into the river...it's a big river. The paranoia and the hallucinations are usually really bad. I keep thinking someone is always linking to my brain.. like telepathy. It has me paranoid to the max. I got it to chill down some yesterday after I got a couple of beers down me. I talked to myself too.

The hallucination was about drugs and some drug addicts were trying to hand me their pain again. They said the back pain I had was someone else's pain and that they were making me take it. And they would tell the whole world that I took peoples pain away from them and they were healed. But what the psychiatrist says is that I was in so much pain my brain creates a delusional reason for it...like someone else was making me hurt. I tried to tell myself this but I kept hearing this asshole say I was taking it no matter what I did. Then another drug addict started messing with my pain killers so that I couldn't sleep or feel the pain killer work. They said they were doing it for Methamphetamines (Krank). So I ended up chewing out this drug dealer at 1:00 am in the morning but what I was literally doing was screaming at my walls in the middle of the night. It's been a really back week and a half.

All this because I am out of Topomax, Respirdal, and Klonopin. My spelling might be off on those meds. Tomorrow is when I see the psychiatrist again then I will have my meds back in order.

SNOWCYCLES!!!!!

Hello all! We got snow!!!!I can't believe it...I missed seeeing it fall from the sky though. Seems it all happened overnight...broke my heart!!

Mel will be home tonight around 10:30 pm after being gone since last Sunday afternoon. I miss him.

Still hearing voices...

But, I won't tell my therapist about it...she'll make me come see her every two weeks. Had enough of that. I think she is good at her job but the appointments every other week is hard to make when you are working.
But, see my step father has lung cancer and he can't work so I have been feeling guilty about not being much help to them. And today I asked Mel for the money to help Mama out. That should ease the voices up. It has already....somewhat.
The other reason for the voices is my back pain and me not going to the doctor and having them find what is wrong. SO I went to the doctor Friday. They want to do an MRI on me. Physical and mental stress and pain.... will get those voices started for me everytime.

I heard some bad news and been hearing since

I heard my step father had an 8mm sized lump on his brain that is cancer and I've had schiz symptoms ever since. This was the night before last. I've had voices first, then delusions, then audio hallucinations and now those damn attacks (panic attacks).This might be a rocky road for me where emotions and schiz is concerned. I still feel the panic in my heart...scary! Lord, help!!!

They spread like wildfire...

...the voices. They taunted, caught and kept my attention most of the day until Mel (my husband) called me this afternoon. Mel and I had an arguement about 4:00 am this morning and it was something he had gone on and on about most of the week and I cracked. I snapped. At first, I didn't say or do anything...no voices or any other symptons. I just went back to sleep. Then at nearly 9:00 am I woke up to voices that were naming my every move. Voices that were trying to rape me anally...I could feel every move....a tactile hallucination. The voices seemed to have to keep my attention or they would lose or "win" something bad. After a long and very frustrating 4 hours of this. I got a phone call from my husband saying that he apologized for this morning and that is when I got the message that one voice named David said he stole my "Good Feeling" away from me. SO I got mad and deep inside me I took myself back, as well as, my "Good Feeling" and began to put my clothes on and get ready for my husband. I just now realised that I am missing about 1 1/2 to 2 hours inside this delusion.
Part of the memory loss I have been experiencing for the last ...well, damn, I don't know how long...I've known about it for awhile now.

One psychiatrist told me I should put on my shield and I started thinking that I only have the yellow gold shield and that one must not be strong enough cause I could steal feel the rapist. I can't think of any metal strong enough to keep him out...I don't know about metals either. CAst Iron?

Anyway, today was a very emotional day. I stayed in the back room and when it is all over and done and I got to go outside...it was a beautiful day and I had missed it because I was so out of it. I've never been to the Mental Ward of a Hospital, yet. I wander what I do if I decide I have to go...I felt suicidal this time for a little while. I stared at my pills, a deep, long time. But what stopped me was I was going to Mama's tomorrow.

That's all for now....

Today, being a day.

I'm prettty shaky this morning, from the coffee, I guess. It has been rough these last few days with panic attacks and nervousness. A couple of times I was afraid to walk, this happened just a minute ago,also. just scared to walk, like my chair was the only thing holding me to sanity. I just took my medicine so most of this should go away. I was shaking bad...then it just stopped right after I took my Klonopin...that means I find my comfort in the pills. Knowing that I will feel somewhat normal soon. The psychiatrist, Dr. Scott, and my therapist, SHeila Walker are trying to get me to learn how to deal with these symptons without relying on the meds. I rely on the Klonopin when I have the attacks, I know this BUT, I rely on the Respiredal for the voices...it works like a miracle and I also rely on the Geodon for the delusions and hallucinations...so what the hell am I doing wrong but taking the medication I need to take. And these attacks, by the way, are not always panic attacks or anxiety attacks...they are more like a schizophrenic bomb went off in my head. There are ways they could find out if I was having panic attacks or whatever but they haven't offered to prove any theory. They told me also, that the physical goes along with the mental in most cases...such as...a schizophrenic might have a few days of voices and confusion and it be because he or she has a head cold. Maybe I should see a private psychiatrist.

Audio Hallucination

Before I knew what was happening the television said "I want to kill myself..". Then another voice on the television said "Just give it another 24 hours." This had nothing to do with the movie it was what I was hearing...an auditory hallucination. Then the first voice (who seem to be a man) said "I feel like I'm being punished for something." And I said "Like what?" The man went on and said "Conspiracy,..., I see faces, punishments..."He went on describing all the symptons I had went through with schiz...I thought he was making a joke out of it then...but I didn't say anything. Can't very well punch out the television set now can I?! Instead I said you are having symptons of schizophrenia and need to see a psychiatrist; the medicine will help you. And I left it at that deciding I was having an hallucination again. Boy, you try to help some people, whether they exist or not...oh well...intentions are good!11 Merry Christmas!!!