My Voices

I wish you could have what I have if you're going to have something, because what I have is at least funny at times. I've got one insider who makes sarcastic comments, but they're always funny and she's kept me going when I didn't think I could a few times. I've got one who's only about 2 years old and is obsessed with trains and ice cream. There's one who communicates only in songs/music...she'll play just the right song inside for the situation and she does have a sense of humor also.

The hard part for me at least is knowing that it isn't going to change. That they're with me as long as I'm around and dissociative voices cannot be controlled by medication, not even the new antipsychotics. I hear them and I know who they are, and that they're inside my head, and I've always known that is where they were, and basically that's the difference between what you have and what I have.

My therapist says if I'd had therapy when I was young (real therapy, not counseling) I could have learned to live somewhat normally maybe, but now it's hard-wired into me to cope this way and truthfully I can't imagine coping without them. It's weird to me to look back on life and realize you all know them, most of them anyway, you just don't know that you met them.

The only harmful thing they tell me to do ever is to cut, and I've really slowed down on that so it's only maybe once a month if even that. Right now I'm so stressed, our propane is off and we had to do Christmas for Paula and Bekah and that took most of what we had. I couldn't see disappointing Bekah so Santa came to her and gramma took lots of deeeeep breaths and Klonopin that day.

I just wish your voices were kind and funny to you like mine are for me. I wouldn't wish this on anyone really, but it's hard to hear that your voices aren't kind to you.

Meds and Mama

I am taking my meds normally and for now there are no voices. I am suddenly afraid of the dark though. I drank last night and am not feeling too good right now. I keep hearring my mother give me headaches when I drink. I feel I don't want to speak to her again. I can't get it in my head that they are just hallucinations. They are bad ones. She keeps saying she will make me sick if I don't quit drinking. But the drinking is lightening me up alot. I think that I am 38 years old and should be able to drink without Mama's voices trying to stop me.

It's over for now...

My husband had his prostate surgery; they removed it. So for now it's over. At the last Mel was getting tired all the time and not eating normally. It really had me worried. Now it's gone. I hope it never ever comes back. I was losing my mind. It was the worry. Now, I finally have my meds refilled and I am back to normal. My psychiatrist has fixed my meds to where I am doing alot better. She was increasing and decreasing certain meds so that I wouldn't be so miserable and sleepy all the time. So now I am on the bare minimum doses that will take care of my schiz. Instead of 7 bottles of medication; I am on 5 (including Provigil).

My quality of life is much better. If you are having miserable problems with your meds; I would advise that you tell your doctor or psychiatrist about it. Say "My quality of life isn't very good at all, I sleep too much (or whatever the problem is) and I am miserable."

Hospital...

I had to go to the hospital about the schizophrenia. I lost it real bad. I was completely crazy in my head. But I want you to know they put me on suicide watch and wouldn't let me go smoke and it made me so mad that my head went straight. Half way anyway. I said I just want to go home after being there for 2 hours and they just prescribed my regular meds and home I went!!! I kept wanting to hurt someone before I went to the hospital. I mean really wanted to hurt anyone. But instead of telling the doctor that I said I was suicidal. Embarassed and afraid they would put me in a straight jacket....

I went BALISTIC!!!

My husband has Prostate Cancer and I have no control over myself. I want to hurt someone real bad. I am not handling my emotions well at all. I popped two Klonopin and calmed down but I'm completely crazy inside. HAVEN'T WE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH!!!!

Panic Attacks!

I have had 4 of them in the last month and I am tired of it. All I feel when an attack is happening is a deep fear, total terror inside me. I shake, and most of the time I cry. The way for me, or anyone to come out of it is to get their mind off of the attack. This is really hard, but you can daydream about some beautiful place that makes you feel safe or try talking to someone while it is happening. The conversation will get your mind off the attack. What I always do during an attack is to wrap myself up in a warm comforter on the couch or lately, in my bed. Wherever I feel safe. And I wait for the Klonopin to work, or I talk to someone. It is difficult to get your mind off of it while it is happening but, you CAN do it. But, like I said earlier, if you don't have medication for the panic attack then you can do those two things to bring it to control.

My insurance company...

Agreed to pay for my Provigil. My psychiatrist had to explain to them why she prescribed it to me. I feel much better and am awake throughout the day...it's wonderful...without insurance to pay for it it would cost $339.00 for 30 pills.

It just might have worked...

Telling my therapist about Daddy molesting me just might have worked for me. I feel alot better than usual. I'm gonna go ahead with the therapy and maybe this will change me. Sheila, my therapist says that all my problems are stemming from the molestations and the sooner we get therapy going the better I will be. She says I should start feeling a whole lot better and I do. I could get over this depression and maybe I would be able to decrease my medications for schizophrenia, also. I have been put on one less Risperdal and increased one more Geodon for now. It has worked for me against the voices. No voices and I have my peace of mind back. Instead of "protecting" Daddy like I thought I was doing I am able to work on myself now. I had a dream where Daddy was telling me to work on myself now that he is gone from this earth. I know he is in a better place on the other side of life in the after life. Because I have had the dream about him. In the dream we both were laughing and he was at a tool box looking around inside it. He was under a light and he was showing me to work on myself now and I knew that he was okay.

It's something I believe now that I have had the dreams about Grandma, Larry Dooley, and Daddy all under the light. I had dreams about my Grandmother worrying about me until I met and married Mel after I quit drugs. I think that those dreams stopped because I was off the drugs and had quit them. Then I had two dreams of Larry Dooley and one of them he was driving a speed boat and the other we were moving. Then the dream about Daddy. They were amazing. I miss them all.

Feeling better...

I have begun therapy about my father molesting me. It will be a long road but a healthy one. I think I delayed therapy because of the voices. But I must be ready for this. I told her some of the story about it and she says it is like a breakthrough for me and I will start feeling better. I do feel better. I have been holding it from therapy for five years now.

My psychiatrist increased my dosage of Geodon...my hallucination medicine...from 160 mg to 240 mg a day. It helped a lot.

Goin On...

It's getting easier to think of Daddy and instead of the memory of his deceased body; I remember good times. The last half of my life my Father was a good father to me and showed me how he loved me...like a father loves a daughter. I am grateful for the time I had with him.

Grieving...

I lost my father at such a young age. We both new the drinking would be the end of him but I guess I never actually thought he would be gone forever. I remember being so very paranoid when the voices would say that my parents would die the next day or something like that. I would be sooo afraid that I would pray right then and there. Now, I pray that God doesn't take my mother at such a young age. I want time with her doing things we used to do. .. Yard sales and flea markets but then it might remind her too much of Larry.

grieving....I'm hurting to death...when I think of Daddy and he's not in any pain anymore.

Provigil

I just got prescribed Provigil it is an amphetamine that keeps me awake 12 to 15 hours a day because all my meds are downers and last 12 hours. asked my psychiatrist how could I live if I am sleepy all the time and after trying to take my meds at night and still sleepy at night she gave me Provigil. nly problem is that it just wakes me up for 15 hours which is a lot better than sleepyiness all day but my insurance won't cover it because I don't have sleep apnea. Dammit. I have to pay $250 for a months supply. I payed for 7 pills just to see if it was worth the bother and it is so I am going to pay for it. My complaint is that insurance will cover a bunch of downers but won't let me wake up during the day.

My Father Died June 11th, 2009

It hurts but I am okay. I can hear him talk to me sometimes; he is laughing. Now I know he isn't in any pain. He had a heart attack at the age of 55 years old. I love you, Daddy, goodbye.

Effexor- instead of Paxil CR

I have been on a small dosage of Effexor for depression and I have noticed the difference. I still cry and am depressed but I am not as suicidal. Paxil CR made me gain weight...104 lbs. no matter what I did I could not lose the weight. I was up to 254 lbs. I have been off Paxil CR for 6 weeks and the last two months I have lost 14 lbs. I'm not hungry, I'm not snacking. And I eat once a day. I still eat a little ice cream in the morning and drink about 3 glasses of Coke and 2 glasses of sweet tea a day. I ddrink something all day long so I can keep my belly filled. And when drinking caffeinated drinks they make you PEEE ALOT. So it runs through you and you are always filled up. I have about two pieces of pizza one day and beans the next and speghetti with meat in the sauce the next day. Normal food...just not alot...a little. Keep the drink (vitamin water is the best ) and lose the food.

Celexa

I was taking a drug called Celexa, but it seemed to only knock me out and make me miserable. I have a good life with my husband and I really love my life, but, Celexa made me suicidal. I kept taking it for a month (it is supposed to be an antidepressant) to see if maybe it took a few weeks to start working like most antidepressants, but it just seemed to knock me out and make me crazier. My psychiatrist doesn't seem to understand that I am tired of being sleepy and tired and sedated all the time. But she told me to take all my meds at night. So I did but I still felt groggy and sleepy until about 3:00 pm in the afternoon. These are powerful drugs. I know I am a Schizophrenic but I don't want to live my life sedated all the time. It's not fair. So my Therapist told me to ask my psychiatrist about a drug called Provincial. I did and she says "You just want uppers and downers." I said " No, it's just that all my medication sedates me and I am sick of being tired and sleepy." I also said something like "y'all are so easy to give us drugs that sedate us but what about the ones that actually want to be awake, and try to live...I can't NOT take my meds because they help me, But I don't want to be knocked out all the time". Now I am off Celexa for good and am on an antidepressant that works for me, Effexor. And it does NOT make me sleepy.

Disability

I am now receiving Social Security Disability from Social Security Administration. And I just had my second set of shots for my hip. I can barely walk through Walmart without having to stop because of my hip. I could use the little shopper's chair scooter but I am only 37 and feel ridiculous in it. Getting the Disability gave me a huge sigh of relief about being able to pay the bills and me not working. Now I can concentrate on my hip and my schizophrenia w/bipolar. I don't have to be afraid of how much it is going to hurt when I do something at work I know will hurt my hip and brain.

I have had audio hallucinations for the last couple of days non stop and I went off on the voices. A part of me keeps telling myself that it is totally a hallucination and not to worry about it but I can't help it...the voices take my whole concentration from me and I can't keep them from talking to me, about me, etc. While I am typing this I am not hearing any voices but ... well, I pray they leave me alone tonight.

Suicide???/

I got bad news...my hip pain will never go away. The orthopedic specialist says that there is nothing else to do but to give me the epideral shots every 4 months. The shots only last 6 weeks for me. Another thing is that my psychiatrist says there is nothing more she can do about my "voices" either. I will have to live this way for the rest of my life. I feel like I have been sentenced to life in prison. I already have to use a scooter in Walmart...that place is so damn big.

It's a fact that the number one cause of death for Schizophrenics is suicide. I wonder will I be one of those. I have really begun to think seriously about it. I am miserable, the "voices" and the pain. All my medications are downers...they knock me out...that would be the way I would go. Why is it that the doctors don't mind handing out downers that make us "high" and sleepy but, they won't prescribe an upper for any reason.

I have been thinking seriously about suicide, then I wouldn't have to live like a crazy invallid. I'll be in a wheel chair if the pain gets any worse!!!! I can't stand the thought of it. To make my husband go through this with me seems so cruel. He shouldn't have to. I have become such a burden......

I went to see my psychiatrist and she decided to keep me off Paxil CR, Depakote, and Wellbutrin and put me on Celexa for depression. We'll see how it works...I know that it knocks me out.

New Colors!!! And bad stuff...

I have been off Geodon because I took myself off of it. Geodon helps me to know that the hallucinations aren't really happening. I took my self off mainly because I thought I didn't need it any longer. Boy, was I wrong. I am having "audio hallucinations" every day. The voices argue with each other and even correct each other if something isn't said right. I have been off Geodon for about 3 months now.

Depakote ER- my insurance will only pay for the generic form of this drug for major mood swings and WalMart doesn't carry it.
Been off of it for about 3 months.

Wellbutrin- I ran out of refills on this drug before it was time to see my psychiatrist (4-8-2009). I have been off this drug for about three weeks. This is an anti depressant, also.

Paxil CR--I have been off this anti depressant for about 2 months because I couldn't afford to refill it. My insurance will only cover a percentage of that medication for some reason.

Trazadone- sleeping medication only seemed to help the first fe3w days and then I couldn't sleep at night again.

But I see my psychiatrist on the 3rd day of April...so soon I will be on all the meds again.


My world has been crazy. My daughter sees me talking to myself, I have been hitting the walls where I thought the people were fighting with me through that certain wall. One of the voices named Billy Cannon is pretending to be standing on my neck while I sleep and I literally wake up gasping for air. They are trying to kill me and I have done nothing to them. I get so damned depressed I want to die, and I think about taking all my Klonopin and Trazadone and just die. I hear my father say he doesn't want me calling anymore and I hear my mother doing evil minded things to me...like making me depressed and she tells me to kill myself. I haven't spoken to either one of my parents since Christmas because of it.

Four whole days.

I had four days of total hell, and finally broke down. I through my daughter out of the house...but she came back after an hour and a half and I begged her forgiveness. She forgave me. I won't say what she said to me that made me want her out of the house, I shouldn't have taken it so hard.

I go back to see my Psychiatrist and Therapist in the beginning of April. I have been freaking out for a while now and I am having stomach problems , a doctor said was probably due to my medications.

Freakin' out again...

I had a little trouble from the voices and I began hitting the walls and yelling at the voices while my husband and daughter were at home. My insurance will not pay for brand name medications anymore. So I came off Paxil CR and Depakote ER, The Depakote Er is for my Bi Polar mood swings and boy I can definitly tell the difference with out it. My voices are confessed drug addicts and dealers. I quit drugs 7 and 1/2 years ago. I have no desire to ever do anymore drugs.

But sometimes my voices will say they gave me some "crank" and I really feel it. Is that a tactile hallucination or what.

Paxil CR... Can 't say enough about it!!!

I got my Paxil and the nightmares went away the very first night. I slept straight through the night for four hours... which is more than I have had in 2 weeks. I feel much better and I stay up now...during the day and into part of the night. I was alot more in control of my depressing thoughts, also. I know Paxil CR isn't for everybody but it works for me. I also take Wellbutrin...150 mg twice a day. I haven't been on it but a few months. I have been on Paxil CR for four years then I had the thoughts of suicide so my psychiatrist thought I needed a little more of a boost with the Paxil CR. Fixed me right up!!!

I didn't do as much running around as I did yesterday but then there isn't much cleaning to do so I wrote in my diary. And wrote a letter to my son.