It is a wander everything isn't psychological. I went through the day with a "blah" attitude. Every single thing seems to have a psychological affect on me. My weight, my Mel, definately my kids, my job... The job seems to get me through. I miss my kids and I can't wait until they get older. Till they can get to know me on a regular basis, Till I can bother them relentlessly with my "I love you" and other mushy stuff kids don't like. Life has been hard on me and even worse, harder on my kids. I can never change what happened nor could I stop it. It gets so hard sometimes. I will never know how to handle this. I work, I compute and then there is Mel but I feel so lost, like nothing in this world could ever make it up to them. I want to scream. I am scared to death that I might not ever have a relationship with my girl's. That they will end up hating me. I know that someday I am gonna hear "It's all your fault" and "Where were you" and "You weren't there". I know that someday I will hear all of them. I want so much to make them understand what happened and...God I am so sorry that I couldn't stop it and I couldn't handle it either. I pray to God that this doesn't happen to them--that they never lose their kids. In any way at all. Hopefully. All I can do is hope that I can bring some happiness and be funny for my girl's and maybe I can lesson the damage. I can keep right on knowing that everything happened for the best, but they will never understand hoew awful and hard it is. They will never fully understand. I will go for now and go to sleep and maybe it will be a brighter day tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment