No Meds

Oh goody we get to see what it is like without meds. For about a week. DRAT

Seems to be better now...

Seems to be better now that I got to write it out. Lot less "dying" in the 'voices'. You know we call them "voices" but that isn't most of the problem. I hear things.. sure. Sounds like someone is in the room talking to me as if they were there. But the things that really bother me are the"ideas" that come into mind. They come from inside my head. Like the dying or ideas of dying that I mentioned before. It is just and an idea that seems to pass through my mind as if it were put that or "laid" there but some human hand. It is weird and it is very freaky. Sometimes the thought just sits there until I make some visible effort to shew it away from my head. I know that it isn't logical and that it isn't even what I "normally" worry about. I am not afraid of death but if the thought linger's after I get busy doing something else; I tend to get deeply afraid or paranoid about it. With the medicine it is more controlled and if I ignore it seems to go away pretty quick and there won't be another thought like it for awhile. So what do I do if I run out of meds. Like I will in two days. I am worried...afraid that my check won't go through until friday. Though it should stay in my system for about a week, at least. Don't worry folks... I know the stuff I hear, see, etc. ain't real. I am non violent also. I have also been smelling an odor like a dogs breath or something. The more I worried about the worse it got. The cat wasn't even around. I Thank God Mel is very clean too. This writing wasn't that bad but it seems to freak people out...so I wrote it in red. My problems seem to be with my five senses. That is the little stuff. But most of us are NON VIOLENT. So don't you dare think that I am a bad person.

Afraid to Die...

Suddenly, I have had this fear of death. Mine or anyone's. I am usually nowhere near afraid of death. My philosophy was that death had to be the end of all pain (which was alot of what I was feeling-Pain). I was in a lot of emotional pain then. Now I am suddenly afraid to do things that I love. Like driving. I love being in control of a good running motor. It is like men's love of cars and motors I think. I feel so uncomfortable driving lately. Maybe it is just that it is my fiance's Mercedes Benz or maybe because the car doesn't belong to me. If I got a smaller car maybe zI would feel different. But there is still the fear of dying that I have. I have never been afraid of death in my life. Sometimes I am afraid that this fear might keep me from living. I am even afraid to walk today. Scared that I may get hit by a car. I feel intense fear at the thought of it. It is pretty scary. And somedays there are new fears. This one has been going on for about 3 or 4 weeks now. I think that my life may never be normal again and that living with new fears ( even though I really don't fear them) may become an everyday thing. I am not liking the thought of that at all.

I probably said it wrong...

I do not believe that the voices will go away because I decide to jump into a church. I KNOW that it won't. But I want to know God better and my own beliefs about church are not what I would like them to be. I have an opinion about church I have had since I was a teenager and it has not changed. I have not yet seen a church that did not judge people. I am not talking about the basics "like you are a sinner you are going to hell". I am talking about stuff like I have heard of a church resigning a deacon because he wore shorts to a church function--a picnic. Let me explain it better. I think that most churches judge people way tooo much. And the bible says don't. I know of churches who ask their paritioners (spelling might be wrong) to leave their church if they live with someone unmarried. When the whole point is to get the people into church and under God's house (so called)not tell them to leave. I believe that the church can twist things up and hurt people doing it. As far as your life goes... men were with men and woman were with woman way back then in the biblical days. The big question is...were these people with these other people for love or lust. But it still isn't for me to say if it is a sin or not. So live and let live and if people find solace in the church no matter who they are or how they live let doors be open. Jesus sure wouldn't turn anyone away...nor did he.
Now then and the other answer to the other question is I think I want to find my church.
I want to find my church now. I want to do this not because it might get rid of the voices but because I really want to. That is what "DEAR GOD..." is all about. I have really seen too many miracles to ever be able to deny his existance and never wanted to. http://www.dedicationtogod.blogspot.com
Got ya started... :) Is that better. :)

The church thing worries me.

I don't have a problem with going to church and believing in God, well, with going to church I suppose I do, because I have a very strong understanding that organized religion is against most biblical teachings nowadays ( worded that backward. what i mean is that current religions teach inaccurate biblical teachings) But if you have chemical imbalances in your brain, going to church is not going to fix that. All it can possibly do for you is make you think 'well if I'm going and doing what these people say and I'm not better, then I'm not going to heaven' and that's ridiculous. I just don't want to see anyone fall into that trap...I do my own studying of the Bible, in different translations and versions and much of what I have read and learned is so different from what was originally intended (assuming that, like me, you believe that the KJV Bible is the most accurate, if not then none of what I've said would apply to you) Not sure how I got into this, gotta not get me started talking religion, I have very very strong beliefs in spite of my lifestyle, and I can back them up biblically, and it's a favorite subject of mine LOL so I'll stop preaching now. :)

On the topic...

I was thinking last night that I would put down some of the things that are going on with me...the psychological stuff. I have been hearring things all the time. I hear things like someone is explaining my thoughts. Or some twisted version of what I am thinking. Whenever someone is behind me I think I hear someone say "you farted". When I lay down to go to sleep it sounds like someone is trying to get my attention. Talking. It is hard to explain. But I have heard my mother tell me she wished I would kill myself and all sorts of things. The bottom line is that the Geodon helped with some stuff and not with the voices. But I am glad that it helped with the bad stuff. I have started to go to the restroom and have started seeing faces in there again. This has just been going on for two days now. I see my bosses "brain linking" tome and saying that I should get ahold of my head. I can't stand it. This isjust what I put this site up for. No matter what. I wanted a place to where people who have problems such as Schizophrenia and Multiple personalities and Bi Polar or other brain disorders could go and let it out without having to worry about other people acting afraid of them. A place for us to talk out the paranoia and the delusions. I can't even really tell my doctor about it. I just say "I'm hearring stuff again" or "I am having the such and such problem again". I can't talk to him about it and I think it might help if I could. If someone was there to say "I swear to you people can't hear what you think and twist it around". "I swear Jennifer that people can't brain link to you and get the wrong idea." I asked Melvin if he had gone through anything like this and he said that stuff like that went away when he started to go to church. OH GREAT. I thought. I believe in God but I can't go to church until we are married. I will be soon but Ican't go until then...been wanting to go for awhile now. You know it is so hard to got through something like this with absolutey no where to go and really talk about or vent. I can't talk about it these people will think I am nuts. Or if I do talk about it she is gonna get nervous and uncomfortable. SO THIS SITE IS JUST FOR THAT REASON. Now I can let it out and if you are reading and get squimish then sorry. I feel tired and better at the same time.

I was short again.

I don't know what is happening. But I was short again. If I lose this Melvin might be disappointed in me. But I can get help from the Mental Health Center, she said they have some back to work help. But this time no registers. With my problem those kind of mistakes won't be tolerated. I could only leave a note for my boss tonight saying "I don't steal". I wander what is going to happen. He should find it in the morning. I will fall asleep tonight.

It's All Psychological

It's All Psychological Change is Good

I feel like I wanna cry alot

All the time, I feel like I am going to break down in tears. Sometimes I wanna run away but not because Melvin is doing anything wrong ---but just because I feel that sad. I feel like I am wasting my life but that is not how I truly feel. I wanna drink, too, lately. I feel so sad. I wander about my kids. I wander why Melvin even cares about me.

Busy Week

In two days I start a seven day work week. Sounds pretty good considering how boring it has been. But I am Thanking God for the boringness. No something or other to go through, no frustration, no panic and no mood swings. Just got done cleaning the house and I have nothing elsae to do. I am waiting for a printer to come by mail. I can't wait for that. I hope that it matches the computer. Mel will be home in a little while to help me move my desk. I think we are going out to eat tonight. Mexican...wheeeeweee. I wanted to get some software but I need to save all my money for Christmas. Normal things. Seven straight days of work is gonna be something to do and maybe it'll keep my mind off of things. My schizophrenia is acting up...I taste liquor in my diet shake. Losing some more weight helped my attitude. So now there is a light at the end of this long tunnel of dieting. I have dieted and done it right for a long time. And only one thing seems to help...DON'T EAT.

I was down in the dumps

It is a wander everything isn't psychological. I went through the day with a "blah" attitude. Every single thing seems to have a psychological affect on me. My weight, my Mel, definately my kids, my job... The job seems to get me through. I miss my kids and I can't wait until they get older. Till they can get to know me on a regular basis, Till I can bother them relentlessly with my "I love you" and other mushy stuff kids don't like. Life has been hard on me and even worse, harder on my kids. I can never change what happened nor could I stop it. It gets so hard sometimes. I will never know how to handle this. I work, I compute and then there is Mel but I feel so lost, like nothing in this world could ever make it up to them. I want to scream. I am scared to death that I might not ever have a relationship with my girl's. That they will end up hating me. I know that someday I am gonna hear "It's all your fault" and "Where were you" and "You weren't there". I know that someday I will hear all of them. I want so much to make them understand what happened and...God I am so sorry that I couldn't stop it and I couldn't handle it either. I pray to God that this doesn't happen to them--that they never lose their kids. In any way at all. Hopefully. All I can do is hope that I can bring some happiness and be funny for my girl's and maybe I can lesson the damage. I can keep right on knowing that everything happened for the best, but they will never understand hoew awful and hard it is. They will never fully understand. I will go for now and go to sleep and maybe it will be a brighter day tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to me

Well, it is my birthday and I feel pretty decent. I had a hectic night at work but it went fast. I am 33 years old and I feel like it. I have awonderful man I am going to marry and 3 wonderful kids I love very much. I am real tired though. I have this new life and it agrees with me totally. I have been sober now for 2 years and five months the 10th of this month (which is tomorrow). Being sober is a lot more happier then being drunk. I just wish my girls could share it with me as much as Cory does. I hope they can go home soon. I need them to go home to their family. My medicine didn't seem to work all that great today. I am kinda worried about it. But I am not having the bad spells. I need vision and dental insurance. My teeth are real bad. I guess it can wait a little longer. My eyes need checked too. But things are really looking better for me. Well that is it for now.

Decisions

I have had a pretty good day today but I have a decision to make -- I can tell the doctor I am still hearring things constantly or tell him I am fine. The meds cost so much and the big stuff is gone anyway. The higher the dosage the more it cost. I have a good doctor and if I tell him he will probably go up on the dosage. If I tell him it cost too much he will change the perscription and this is one of the only medicines that doesn't cause weight gain. I am 186 lbs now. but I have lost some weight. I was at 196. I will probably tell him I am fine.

A good day...

It is so important to me to have the "good days". They let me know that it won't all be the bad. That it has gotten better since I have been in Theerapy and using the medicines. I also have the blogs. I have two. Between the two of them I can get out all I wanted to say. Everything I needed to say and realize to myself. I thought about having one all to myself that way I could be a bummer if that was one of the moods I was in and not feel bad if I brought someone "down". But I figure it is apart of my life and it is a part of my phsycological problems. So this blog is the one that will hold my mood swings and my terror. My exciting days and my screw ups without me feeling guilty about how it sounded and if I scared anyone. A place for my mind to go. I just wish it could help other people...to do the same thing.

These days...

Maybe it is just the stress of court and all but lately I have been having cluster headaches again. I had them with the Abilify and before whaen I was 12 years old. My eye is swelling--the right one. I will take some Benedryl tonight and hope that does it. My sinus's are messed up too. Hopefully it isn't the medicine. I feel really tired and right now as I sit in front of the computer I have a scared feeling. But I know that it is the schizophrenia. You don't just hear things with schizophrenia you feel them too. All my senses are out of control. I smell things, hear things, see things (sometimes), taste things (not much as far as my schizophrenia is) feel things for no reason or feel things that aren't there. Like the feeling that someone is right over my shoulder ready to yell at me right now. I hate when it gets like this. And this headache... I made it through my work night though. I went through a couple of days last week where I was sooo scared that I felt afraid to move. No reason, except for feeling I was intensly scared suddenly...it lasted about 30 minutes each time it hit me. After almost three weeks of taking the higher dosage of Geodon, I think maybe it might be the medicine. I hope not. I can use the restroom without being paranoid and I can wake up with out the screaming in my head. It is sooo peaceful in the morings now. I need a downer to get this feeling away from me...brb. Took one. It is about my bed time. I thought I would bring myself up to date. :) I am realising that I have just went through about a week and a half of "hearing" signs that I was going to die soon. I was scared to drive the other day. It is the medicine. So I have to tell my doctor. I'll either be put on a lower dosage again or on a new medicine soon. This stuff is so expensive. Time to go for now.