I didn't know

I did not know that panic attacks came from sudden changes in life. That would explain alot of stuff happening. Thanks Dear...It seems that alot of information that we give to each other actually does help me alot. I thought that other people would join this blog. People with mental problems that needed a place to go. You can't really tell other people all the feelings that you get even though it is not actually happening...they just don't understand. But I understand you and I hope you understand me. My two blogs help me soooo much. It is like medicine. I have to tell my therapist. Tried to make an appointment with her and they kept switching me from one secretary to another so I gotta do it in person. I can't believe neither secretary could make the darn appointment. --trying to curb my cussing-. I will tell her about this next time. She seems to think that I do good and am able to live normally. My work record speaks for itself. Not one call in. Haven't been sick yet but I get sick every winter...it has not failed me yet. I have started to have a bad skin problem. My skin has dry patches that crack and bleed. These patches are on my hands. It hurts ...and I will tell my doctor about it on the Dec. 9th appointment. Right now I bought a tube of Gold Bond Healing Lotion with alot of vitamins. But it may be a rash. I break out in tiny bubbles in a small patch and then it turns dry and cracks and bleeds. Never had anything like that before. Oh well...for right now.

Had another panic attack

Another one this afternoon. I am a little worried about them. But taking a walk helped. My pastor caught me walking and stopped to tell me that it was good to have me worshipping with them. I get to meet him next week--I mean I get formerly introduced next week. Panic attacks are bothering me. They have hit pretty hard since Mel went out of town. I miss him. He misses me too. I hope I can geek long enough to feel better.

Anxiety attacks--Panic attacks

To start at the beginning; Mel dropped me off at work and left out to his new job. He is going to drive tractor trailors and deliver paper to various places. He dropped me off and left out for his 5 days of traveling which leaves me alone most of the week. Last night was the first night he will be gone for 5 days. I was fine until it was time to wait for my taxi to take me home. I suddenly felt extremely scared so I called him crying saying that I don't think this new job of his isn't going to work out. I can't handle the 5 days alone every week. My taxi didn't run too late only about 6 minutes. They usually run about 20 to 50 minutes late. I suddenly just couldn't handle not having Mel there for me and got scared. And when I got home I fed the cat and went straight to bed. Then about 1:00 am Mel called worried about me. He even said that if the job wouldn't work out because I couldn't handle it that it would be ok. He was missing me too. I couldn't even read my Bible last night. I was scared to death of reading it. But I soon knocked out.
You are so lucky Lisa. Your doctor will give you something to help with attacks like this. But because of my past my doctor won't even chance it. So I have to grasp for something familiar to me that makes everything ok again. I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL. I mean something like last noght at the store I smoked a cigar which helped to ease the attack. They call them anxiety attacks but it is best described as a feeling of being terrified suddenly-- full of fear. I was frozen with it last night. It was all about being there without Mel coming to pick me up. I hope I am not becoming co-dependant. That would not be a good thing with this new job of his.
Most people remember things like first date, little things their kids said to them that was really cute or funny, most people remember real life moments. Somebody with these kinds of mental disabilities or diseases like Schizophrenia remember things that never really happened. I was so busy fighting the voices that it consumed me. I only remember one or two things about raising my kids. But I remember the devastation of losing them. And it took 4 years to learn to live again. I don't think that there will ever be a day when I don't break down in tears when I think about it. I THANK GOD at least my kids are living. I waited too late to get help for my schizophrenia. So I tell people now to get help at the slightest thought that they might have a mental disorder. I remember things like fights I had with my "voices". And constant redicule over things I did or said while I was hearing the awful things my voices said or did. Not a fun life. Now I have to get up the courage to walk a mile to Walmart. So I must go and get out of this mood.

My doctor finally...

put me on something to help me sleep at night. It does more than that, it knocks me straight out. We'd tried other things before but it didn't work, it seems that many medications that are supposed to make people drowsy have an opposite effect on me and make me hyper. So she gave me Ambien last week...and for the first time, I'm sleeping more than two-three hours in a row at night. It takes you right down at night a few minutes after you take it, and you wake up feeling pretty ok, not all groggy. And I'm not feeling sleepy allllllll day long like I was when I wasn't sleeping, so that part of it is great. Only part I don't like is that I'm "locked into" the dreams when they happen, I can't just wake myself up like I used to could. The other night I had two really vivid ones, one involved being in a foster-type home and realizing that the girl who had been there before didn't run away, she was molested and murdered. The other dream involved being a young girl in the days of Hitler and being forced to go into a concentration camp. Weird dreams with no seeming relation to anything I'm going through in life. I'm sure there is a connection, I just can't quite find it. I got that dream-link, thank you :) There's something going on inside of me that I'm not quite facing yet, every time I try to face it, I shut down. Had a bad 'cutting' episode the day before or the day of Thanksgiving (not sure which day it was). I've been researching Self-Mutilation and I thought I was all alone in it pretty much, when actually I'm a textbook-classic case of it. It was kinda funny to find that out. In a weird way. Anyway, I've poured out too much for now.

"Hiding..."

"Hiding" seems to be what caught my attention most about your dreams. I could be wrong and I mean no offense but it sounds like you are hiding something from yourself...but there is a place online for dream interpetation... I will get you a link. It is in MSN where the tarot card reader is for free.
It gets dark here at 4:45 pm now since the time changed. It is really weird.
I have noticed that at work I hear voices most of the time but at home I hardly hear them. I think it has a lot to do with how comfortable I am. The feeling of "home" calms me and the feeling at work is "busy". Not near as comfortable. But I don't feel safe at my job anymore and that is the trigger for the hearing "more" voices lately. It seems we have had a series of armed robberies across the city and I work in the city limits. The motel two doors down from us got robbed and then there were several a night for a week. They caught the armed robber but not the driver and a car that fits the description of the one the police were looking for was parked behind my store Saturday night. I wasn't scared when I went to confront the people in the car and tell them to leave even knowing that the armed robberies were still happening. But I get real nervous about the money. If I don't have enough to appease the robber would he get mad and shoot me. I am freaking out about this. But I have three days to not think about it, I hope.
It is playing hell on my schizophrenia.

More like downright impossible-Life, I mean. :)

I've been going through a really really bad time right now...I know why, the dreams I'm having are trying to show me the reasons, and yet I don't understand. It's like it's right there in black and white in so many different ways to make it so clear to me, and I can't..put..my..finger..on..it. Then I wake up and it's all over with for the night...but then another night rolls around and I'm up most of the night again. Then when I do sleep, the same dreams in the same places making it so very clear that I am supposed to understand and I Can't! I'm either in Grandmother's house in my old room's closet, hiding...or I'm in the old house on Old Summerville Road trying to find SOMEthing that isn't even THERE. Today I was feeling already pretty depressed so I decided to finish cleaning our bedroom and put some things away, I decided for once to try a little music to make it, I dunno, less boring. So I put in what I thought was innocent: an Abba tape. Next thing I know I'm lying on the bed crying for no reason. As soon as I caught it, I stopped the tape, got myself out of there and called Deanna to talk me through it so I wouldn't cut...and I didn't cut, either...I'm proud for that at least. I'm out of Vicodin and that is NOT helping one bit. I ran out suddenly and it threw my body for a loop, I usually have to take 1-3 a day (regular strength, not the extra strength ones). So my dreams should really be interesting tonight lol.

Life is hard...

It gets me down how hard things can be. I watched a movie about spousal abuse and now I feel distant. I am supposed to quit smoking cigars and I don't want to. I am trying to help my kids and I don't know what else to do. I feel kinda lost, I guess. Haven't been able to sleep good. I have been hearring things most of the time. I go to see my doctor tomorrow. My husband is there for me but I feel distant. The feelings that I got from the movie, I think. Things have been getting real loud with other sounds inside my head. Hear a lot of screaming lately. I feel like the whole world can hear my schizophrenia. And it bothers them and I can't do anything about it. So I smoke cigars. It makes me feel better. I feel like I have something left that is mine. It is time for my medication. I need to watch tv ...Some Law and Order.

I am married now.

I got married yesterday and I feel really good about it. That's alot to a schizoid. Sorry if you don't like the word but I can laugh about my issue sometimes. I spent most of the day yesterday getting use to the idea. Even though I knew for a while it was gonna happen. We got married in our blue jeans. No, I am not pregnant. We were originally there to get the marriage license and were getting pretty stressed about the cost of shoes for the dress and so on. I was anyway. When we saw a sign that stated "$53.00 for marriage license; $5.00 to get married". It seemed like all that stress would go away if we just went ahead and did this---and it did.
You probably understand what I am talking about. I had the dress but the pearls were the type that looked liked kids would play with. So my mother gave me some.. so on and so on and still hadn't had time to look for a pair of shoes to match the dress and the pearls. It just got more like a huge chore then something I wanted to do. So we figured it would all be cheaper and over with if we went ahead and got married. What a relief!!! It is all over finally. I want pictures taken in my dress though. Hehehe Some people can have it all.
We seem to put ourselves through so much trying to please other people. Or trying to do things we "think" would please everyone else. I got married in my old blue jeans. Take that Society!!!

When I was little...

When I was about 12 or 13 I use to hear music or sometimes like a television was on. At first just music but now it is like a tv is on. Depends on how loud the sound is. A fan motor on low used to sound like music now it sounds like people talking if I turn the fan up it sounds like fighting. The explaination I got from the therapist who works with my doctor was this --one explaination...You have nerve endings in your brain that produce certain chemicals. And send certain signals to your brain...for whatever reason (usually a chemical imbalance) the signals are not being recieved correctly by certain nerves or aren't being sent correctly. The fan makes a sound - your brain hears the sound but also hears music...probably an imbalance is sending more signals to your brain than just the sound that is actually there. I think of it as -my brain is not recieving sound properly...I hear things like people fighting and lately women screaming which is very dramatic. Tell your PID doctor what my doctor said and there might be something she can do. I am not saying that you are schizophrenic but that you might have an imbalance. I was 14 when I first heard the first voice. He said his name was Ricky and he was my best friend. I told Mama it was a ghost. I remember the things I hear more then I remember yesterday. Anyway, the sound thing with me is getting outta hand. Something my doctor needs to know. I wander if I will be like my Grandmother and have to change meds every three months because it stops working. I can't deal with the screaming.

About background noises...

I don't know if it's related at all, but my doctor thinks it's odd, when there's a fan on or anything that makes a steady sound like a fan or an engine or a vacuum, something like that, I hear very very faint music. Not anything I can distinguish words to or anything, just background instrumental music that I can just barely hear, like a whisper in the fan/motor/whatever. Goes away when it's turned off. No ringing of the ears or dizziness and my hearing is actually stronger than it should be, I hear things that most people don't. I do have trouble filtering sound though, and if I'm reading there can't be any noise at all or I cannot concentrate on what I'm reading, same if I'm doing something else that requires thinking, like working on a computer or trying to solve a math problem, etc. I wonder if it's related somehow.

Oddly enough, Dee's heard the music in the fan also.

Half a day without the medicine was enough.

I called Walmart and they said they would fill a weeks worth or whatever I could afford to buy at a time. A weeks worth was $70.00. I can't afford this medication. I will have to talk with my doctor on the 16th of November about a cheaper medicine. I still hear things with the Geodon. But, I suppose I am not really looking for it to totally stop all of the schizophrenic effects, though I wish that it would. I hear things all the time and I have a paranoid feeling that the whole world can hear it. I have a day off tomorrow and I would like to relax my way with it. It is about 1:00 am on November the 2nd...vote day. I am supposed to vote today but I don't want to spend my day at the polls. I know it will be very busy tomorrow. So I think I am staying at home. I will only have one day off for two weeks...I need to relax. I am literally talking myself into it. hehehe. I finally got some things rolling from Court ...but this site isn't for talking about it. It has nothing to do with the schizophrenia. I still have a major problem with the way my brain receives sound. It is really bothering me. I hear a motor hum at work (like the ice machine or the cars outside) and my head seems to go nuts. My head receives sound wrong. Such as if I hear the ice machine or a cooler run it sounds like people are screaming or arguing at each other. Not pleasant at all. So I suppose I must also tell the doctor about this getting worse. He may decide to start me on something new anyway. We shall see. My smoking cigars has gotten worse this week. I know it is because I feel so uncomfortable with my surroundings because of the sounds and stuff. I am getting tired so maybe I will sleep tonight and get up in the morning instead of the afternoon. At least, I can work. Some schizophrenics can't.