Anxiety attacks--Panic attacks

To start at the beginning; Mel dropped me off at work and left out to his new job. He is going to drive tractor trailors and deliver paper to various places. He dropped me off and left out for his 5 days of traveling which leaves me alone most of the week. Last night was the first night he will be gone for 5 days. I was fine until it was time to wait for my taxi to take me home. I suddenly felt extremely scared so I called him crying saying that I don't think this new job of his isn't going to work out. I can't handle the 5 days alone every week. My taxi didn't run too late only about 6 minutes. They usually run about 20 to 50 minutes late. I suddenly just couldn't handle not having Mel there for me and got scared. And when I got home I fed the cat and went straight to bed. Then about 1:00 am Mel called worried about me. He even said that if the job wouldn't work out because I couldn't handle it that it would be ok. He was missing me too. I couldn't even read my Bible last night. I was scared to death of reading it. But I soon knocked out.
You are so lucky Lisa. Your doctor will give you something to help with attacks like this. But because of my past my doctor won't even chance it. So I have to grasp for something familiar to me that makes everything ok again. I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL. I mean something like last noght at the store I smoked a cigar which helped to ease the attack. They call them anxiety attacks but it is best described as a feeling of being terrified suddenly-- full of fear. I was frozen with it last night. It was all about being there without Mel coming to pick me up. I hope I am not becoming co-dependant. That would not be a good thing with this new job of his.
Most people remember things like first date, little things their kids said to them that was really cute or funny, most people remember real life moments. Somebody with these kinds of mental disabilities or diseases like Schizophrenia remember things that never really happened. I was so busy fighting the voices that it consumed me. I only remember one or two things about raising my kids. But I remember the devastation of losing them. And it took 4 years to learn to live again. I don't think that there will ever be a day when I don't break down in tears when I think about it. I THANK GOD at least my kids are living. I waited too late to get help for my schizophrenia. So I tell people now to get help at the slightest thought that they might have a mental disorder. I remember things like fights I had with my "voices". And constant redicule over things I did or said while I was hearing the awful things my voices said or did. Not a fun life. Now I have to get up the courage to walk a mile to Walmart. So I must go and get out of this mood.