This morning

I was getting ready for work when I felt this feeling of sudden terror. It hasn't gone away yet. I feel like my chest is closed up and I am afraid to move around much.It is part of the schizophrenia. My medicine hasn't had a chance to work yet. They say it stays in your system even if you miss a pill. I was two hours early taking my Geodon yesterday but I was doing ok. I am scared to death of something and I don't know what it is. These attacks are usually in the form of panic or anxiety. Maybe it's both. I am also hearing a lot of voices. They won't shut up. I tried to ignore them this morning and it subsided. But now that's not even working. I even thought I heard my Aunt Lisa mind linking to me. So today I am having a bad relapse from my schizophrenia. No I feel like someone is trying to give me a headache. What am I going to do ..this is not getting better and I feel like I can't breathe. It feels as though all of the control I had because of the Geodon has disappearded and left me here to fend for my self. I feel brain racked there are about 4 or 5 voices talking at one time. And they don't stop. I thought writing this might help calm me down but it isn't working. I will read this later just to get alook of what I am like during an attack. This is definately a bad one. I wander if other people can tell.
I guess you could say that I am one of the lucky ones...by this I mean I don't react much visibly to an attack. Some people end up dumping their new cars on the highway because they think it is possessed by the devil. One woman believed that the devil was melting her insides...she hadn't taken her medicine in 3 weeks. Some people end up walking the streets trying to get away from the hallucinations. They think something has taken over their home or car and leave to get away from that "idea" or "vision". I read somewhere that very rarely do people "visibly hallucinate" like seeing things with schizophrenia...it is more like "Ideas" that they see. Not like a vision of a ghost but more like an idea of being possessed or in my case the idea of being watched while using the restroom. But I do see visible hallucinations. I see a picture of someone under me while I use the restroom. No I do not have some fetish of anything of that nature. But with the Geodon, my medication, it seems to mostly be gone. I also have another "idea" of something I called "brain-linking". It is when soemone else seems to try to talk to me through my mind.-------I am feeling better now-----. This brain linking thing has been going on for about 15 years now. But like I said before in my previous post...the Geodon helps me to understand and know the difference between real and schizophrenic features. So I just aknowledge to myself that that is the schizophrenia talking. :)
Life is hard with this disesase. From one day to the next all I wanna feel like is a normal human being. Sometimes I can't hear what people say because the voices get soooo loud. It is like someone screaming in my head. Just like someone screaming in your ear..it makes you feel agrivated, irritated and you wanna scream back. But wait I'm in a public place and it is just the schizophrenia. I reflex and look around to see if anyone else has heard it and no it is just me. I feel like a kid wanting to have a temper tantrum but Mama says I can't so I have to hold it in. What if I explode? Well then I am definitely going to the hospital because someone is going to call the police or ambulance if tell them what's going on.
Before I was diagnosed back when I thought it was all real...I use to have to run outside during work or run to the bathroom to get it out...whatever it was that I was going to retort to those dim whitted people now called "voices". There is also the times when a voice says they wanna kill your kids...That use to happen daily and I would yell then. I would yell that I terrorize anyone who touched my kids and this would always have me in a serious fight with my voices. I would be screaming at them and finally was in the other room...they heard me. This was about a year before I was diagnosed. I would go to the Mental Health clinic and talk to the psychiatrist but when anyone asked if I heard voices I always said "NO". Then they would think I was crazy..I was not crazy...I just had some issues...that's what I thought. I had been fighting voices for years by the time I was diagnosed. Literally arguing and fighting with them. The day I was diagnosed I cried all day. Not because I had schizophrenia..but because I had been fighting something for so long that was never going to go away...I began treatment and had some bad reactions but the second medicine(Geodon) was the one. It curves the paranoid attacks alot like the bathroom stuff and the fighting in my head. Also, the voices that wanted to hurt my kids are gone. But I still hear voices most everyday. Some days I'll get surprised and I won't hear any...but this is a whole lot better then what was going on before the medicine. The voices aren't so frightening and and my reactions to them are minimal. I am able to work and for the most part I seem to have myself together and that is my goal.

Somehow

I lost my newest Paxil prescription so the doctor wrote me out another one. SO I am getting back to normal in that area.Today I woke up early to start my day..which is how I usually feel on Paxil. It's the difference between not caring if I wake up in the morning to wanting to wake up and start living life. The only problem is that the only thing I really have to do is clean the house. So I started that and then I had enough of that and decided to get on the computer.
I'm not "hearing" anything today which is great. It is so quiet and peaceful. I didn't hear much at work yesterday either. That is a relief but a rare thing. I almost felt scared. But then I decided to take it for granted. I got a lot of cleaning done at the store. I hope it goes the same way tonight.

Suicidal thoughts

I think I mention that my refills ran out on my Paxil (antidepressant). But today I began having suicidal thoughts. I don't really want to hurt myself but I wander why I try so hard. And it would all go away if I wasn't here more. I went to court this morning about my girls and it was a great day in court. One of my daughters wants to start visitations and the other wants phone contact from me. You see I was gone for 2 and 1/2 years and from my kids while they were in welfare custody. But it was because I said something that really hurt them and I didn't remember saying. I thought how could I say something that awful and not remember it. This all happened before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was so scared I would hurt again if I didn't leave and find out what was happening to me. How could I say that and not remember???? But now I know why. But the court doesn't know why and doesn't know why I left and, frankly, they don't care. So the Judge continues to make me feel as though I was the awfulest person that ever lived.
WHen I first began to here voices I thought it was something amazing happening in the world. Then the voices turned "evil-like" saying things like my kids were being punished by God. Because I had them their fate was that God was punishing them. And they saidd that my kids lied. And they would always say that something awful was going to happen to my kids...it did happen...they were molested by my father. So I believed that the voices must've been God. And I believed that my family could send me messages straight to my brain. One time I heard my mother say "I wish you would kill yourself". I always heard things like that. Maybe it demented my mind.
But I still believe that if I hadn't have left the kids for 2 and 1/2 years to find out what was happening to me..that I would've hurt them again.
Today I saw myself drive off a cliff on a road that drove alongside of Fort Payne, AL. I could see myself doing it and then the next thing I saw was the road in front of me. I am having the uncontrollable tears again and I am real sad. I felt this way when my son came back from running away...though it was great news I ended feeling the opposite way. Just like now with the news that my daughter want to get closer to me and the court approved their wishes. I wander how Mel can stand to be married to me. I told him about the thoughts and he just got up from his chair and held me. My wonderful man loves me...I have to call my therapist.

I didn't realize

That I was not getting a refill on my antidepressant, Paxil. If I knew there was no refill on it I would have weened myself off of it slowly. So now I will be going down that bumpy road. I have been feeling the effects of the withdrawal. I am emotional and depressed. I started to read a book called "The Quiet Room" and ended up getting tearied eyed.
"The Quiet Room" is about a girl who has Schizophrenia. She attempts suicide several times. But in the end a drug called Clozapine helps her to start living again. It is a true story.
This last week has been almost a torment. My son ran off for a few days..he is 17 years old...and with that worry and stress comes more voices and schizophrenic affects. Any worry or stress..even a little bit..rares up the schizophrenic features 100%. I have been seeing pictures of certain people under my buttocks while I am urinating again. This totally makes me paranoid. Because I think they can see me pee. I am paranoid of people dying and the television is ttalking to me again. I also felt as if I was out of breath most of the day yesterday. Panic or Anxiety I think. I felt better after I talked some things out with my Aunt yesterday. I felt like I could finally breathe later that evening. And I also forced myself to relax.

Back on track

Finally, I am back on schedule with my medicine. It took two days to get it back on track and I am feeling the right effects from it. SWHEEW. My voices are down to minimal and I feel about "normal" again. As good as it gets, I guess. The last two days have been real hectic on my brain. It seems that I don't remember much of the weekend. I worked but the day is blur. I recall more the things I was hearing more then the things that happened in real life. It is sort of like being in a haze or a cloud. My mind constantly racked with schizophrenic delusions.

If I am late with my medications, such as, two hours or so I can tell immediately that I haven't taken it. I know what the term "peace of mind" means..and without the medication I have none whatsoever. I remember, before being diagnosed with schizophrenia, that the voices were so loud that I could not hear a person talk to me. I would miss whole sentences and more. This made it real hard to do my job...cashier.

Anyway, I feel so much better that I am going to bake some barbecue chicken breast with sauteed stir fry vegetables and baked beans...mmmmmmmmmm!!!

Yesterday...

I had another bad day yestersday. My voices were trying to send me their pain. One of them had a cut foot and she was trying to make me feel it. Another one was on "dope" and making me feel that he was "coming down" off the dope. I am kinda embarassed to write about it but that was the way yesterday went. I think I have my medicine back on track as of last night. A few days ago I took one pill 4 hours too early and it totally messed my cycle up. My medicine was off track for two days...can you tell?

AAAHHHHHHH

I can't believe it! I feel like screaming! I promised myself I would do whatever it takes to spend more time with my son. So I planned a four day visit. He would get to come and spend a whole four days with me. Then a couple of days ago he ran off with a friend and finally came back late last night...which is wonderful..truly..Thank God...I was so worried about him. But now he is grounded and can't come for the visit. I feel full of despair and I can't breathe. I know that the schizophrenia makes me feel alot of things like desspair, panic, terror and things like that out of the blue but why now. I got off track with my medications and now I'm going through this. I feel like nothing is going right. Everything just collapsed in front of me. Usually, I am extremely relieved when he comes home (he does this every few months).
I have to be honest, too....I am mad. Mad as hell at him for ruining this. It was supposed to be his birthday visit. I am more mad at myself though. And I feel like screaming. Screaming would help...it really would. I feel truly hurt, but I should not be feeling despair...I don't know maybe it's normal.
You know, with the schizophrenia I almost feel things to extremes. If I feel happy...then I feel real happy. If I am sad I feel real depressed..to the point of wandering what the hell I exist for. What's the reason for my life...was I too sick in my head with schizophrenia that I couldn't aknowledge real life at all...is this the reason for all this. I know that I was!!! I was cruelly shown evidence of this. Back about for years ago when my kids were taken away from their father by DFACS (welfare) I had written a letter to them claiming that God was punishing them for lying. I don't even remember writing this. I don't believe that He would..I was having a religious hallucination. I can't believe I said this to my kids. If anything I was being punished...my kids didn't want to live with me beofre the letter thing and I was devastated by it. I was obviously sick. But I have never done it again since then. WHY CAN'T I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY KIDS.
I can remember things I was hearing and pictures of things happening in mmy head that people claim have never happened. I remember things I was hearing...cruel things...more then I could remember things that really happened. I can't remember moments with my kids. I do remember that I couldn't get my kids to go outside and play like normal kids. Was it because of things I may have said to them. I remember going off , really upset about a "voice" telling me they didn't go outside and play because they were acting the opposite of normal, happy kids. Which meant my kids wouldn't be normal and happy because they were innocently involved in a "game" called "Being the Opposite". I went up and down through the house cussing and fighting with the "voices" that that was absurd and it was huting my kids lives. But the "voices" would make my kids play it anyway...without my kids knowing it. If one of my children brought home a bad grade or was failing a subject it was because someone else was making a good grade and my kids were playing the opposite. I only meant to protect them...I love my kids with everything in me. I remeber being so involved with the things I heard that I believed that I was being taught how to "break my voices" from making people, especially kids, play there damned games.
Nowadays, I still hear my "voices" claim that they are being the opposite of someone else. They only do this when they want to feel better.

God, I wish there was a cure for this...

Last night

Last night, I had a couple of schizophrenia bouts that were different from the ordinary. I work in a convenience store and it is a well built place. We are right on a major highway but you can't hear the traffic from inside the building. A couple of times I stepped outside to check garbage and the sudden roar of the traffic after opening the door seemed to open my head up and I could hear the fighting and about three separate voices. It was that sudden and as soon as I went inside it took just a few seconds to get myself in order. WHen I first opened the door I could heard an extremely loud roaring sound and then the voices started. I looked around to see if there were any reactions from the other people inside the store...there were none so I guessed that they didn't hear it even though it was soooo loud. It's a reflex now to look around and see if anyone can hear what I hear. But sometimes I think I can see them reacting to what I hear and that makes me paranoid that other people can hear it and it bothers them. Like my thoughts are out in the open and people can hear them. I don't know if I have explained it good enough to where you can understand this but I tried. But it was different from the normal "voices" and problems. I can't go into the cooler at work without at least three main voices and they seemed to be real loud attempting to MAKE me hear them even though I tell them I would rather not...RUDE...LOL! But when it gets this way I try my hardest to ignore them and do my job.

Before my medicine, I could be alone in the house and a "voice" would start an argument with me. I know that I could be heard from the street screaming back at the "voices" to leave me the hell alone. But they were real to me. Just like someone sitting right there fighting my head off. With Schizophrenia, there is definately alot more to it than "hearing voices". Especially the religious stuff. I have been going to church for about 4 months now and it definately helps keep the religious hallucinations at bay. I have seen pictures in my mind as if to say that "GOd did this to me" because of something that I had done. But going to church and learning about God helps to keep that at bay. Along with the medicine.

I know you pretty good.

I knew you would close yourself up and I knew it was all bothering you. I knew that I could say all those normal things anyone could say to you to be nice but that you wouldn't want to hear it. But the only thing I could really say is that I am sorry for all that you are going through...and mean it. I remember all those things that we did and how much fun it was. And for awhile while you were there family life seemed almost normal and great.

I can't tell you that you are going to be ok but I "feel" like you will be. Like you said about thinking that it is not too far along (the cancer, I mean).

And what the hell do you mean when you were "worth knowing". You always have been worth knowing. Don't let that man make you feel that way..he is a child rapist and that in the eyes of anybody is the nastiest form of vermin there is. He is just manipulating his daughter's feelings. Like he has manipulated anyone's feelings.

I also feel upset about your condition...I am the one who has smoked for 17 years. I am the one still struggling through the tabacco...It should be me. As for the energy try an overdose amount of "Red Bull" or ginseng. I drink about two and then take ephedrine. So I feel pretty good right now. I know you are scared and I pray that the cancer isn't any worse. I don't know what I would do but lock myself up in the house and cry all the time. I cried all day long when they said I had schizophrenia. I thought, all those years fighting off the "voices" and then I find out they will never go away. I felt so tired and worthless. I know that it is not the same. I guess I would be mad ...mad that I wouldn't have the time I needed with my daughters and my son. I know you are in alot of pain and going through a lot of trama right now. Try and make yourself stronger than the cancer.
I just fel like I don't know what to do or how to help. But I want you to know I am here for you at your will. Ok, If you need to let loose go for it.

In truth...I'm scared.

I have to tell the truth today, it seems to be my theme of the day today. I'm scared. I'm hurting a lot, physically, and I take my pain pills and other ones and just about anything I can take and it helps a little bit, then it comes back. I feel like it's spread farther than they think, I've been telling them for ten years that I had it, that I could feel it, but they just patted me on the head and said 'you're too young, you're not at risk' and even though I'm still almost 30 years too young even now, guess what, I do in fact have it and have been having the same symptoms for years now. I told my doctor flat out three years ago, "I honestly think I have cancer in there" pointing to my uterus and she nodded, and ordered an ultrasound but the results are always "inconclusive and since patient is not in the at-risk age group" which I got sooooo tired of hearing!!! And finally they find it and I go through a stage of being practically orgasmic with glee--FINALLY they BELIEVE me (the one thing I can't stand in life is being not believed, since I don't lie (ask Dee and Paula, they'd tell you...I've tried to lie to them before, and I simply can't.) Then suddenly I realize...wait, they finally found it, the cells are grade 2, which means that they're moderately agressive, pathology report says they're actively spreading...there is the slight but real possibility that I could...

die?


Whoa, hold the horses, that wasn't part of the plan. I spent so much effort on proving to them that I had it, that I didn't stop to think about the implications. When I actually GOT a copy of the path report and realized it wasn't quite what they'd said to me (of course, doctors always want you to think positive at least in the beginning), I wasn't quite as gleeful. And in truth, in absolute truth, going by the signals my body is sending me, I think it has spread further than they think but I do not think it's spread far enough to kill me, I think taking my girlie parts out will fix it...I think. (And then I remember the unexplained nodules on my lungs that were discovered about 4 years ago and get scared all over again) and I determine to myself, I'm going to get the other computer up and running again and FINISH that project once and for all (every time it nears completion, something important changes lol) and I really am going to do that, but it's going to be a little different than I had originally planned it, better in my opinion.

And I sit here thinking, there are a thousand things I need to do 'just in case' and anyway, after the surgery I'm going to be incapacitated for at LEAST two weeks they tell me, possibly more, after having to be in a hospital in a town over an hour away, alone, for at LEAST 3 days they tell me, so there are things I need to get done....but right now all I feel like doing is sitting here in front of the window. No energy at all, none, totally tapped out of that resource, and the pain on a 1-10 scale, even after one Vicodin 5/500 (smallest dose, the 7/500s make me sick) the pain is still a definite 7. But it's sunny outside my window and I just don't want to get up right now...I hope that's forgiveable. I'm scared, and I hope that's forgiveable also. And I'm sad...I don't wanna be thousands of miles from everyone. And yet I'd shut everyone out if they were nearby, so I can't win that one *sad smile* but at least I know you all knew me back when I was worth knowing. I always considered Jennifer more of a sister than a cousin, I remember a time when we were close, and I thought we told each other just about everything, at least the things we Could talk about. I mean, don't get me wrong, Dee's wonderful and she's standing by me fantastically right now and I wouldn't trade her for the world. But I wanna be kids again learning to skate in the carport and sneaking through the woods to see that big house that had the 'no trespassing' sign in the driveway. Why did everyone have to grow up? And why am I writing about all of this? And why won't they hurry and set a surgery date...and yet, I hope they wait because I don't wanna go to the hospital. Why can't I just rewind to 1983? I wanna lie on the floor and play pac-man on the atari and play with Ginger and go for walks to the park and do dishes with my sister every night and learn how to make chili all over again even though I know how, now. If I do die, I want to spend eternity in the summer of 1983.

I'm still around...

Just not feeling very communicative lately. The pain's getting worse every week even though it 'shouldn't hurt' and she gave me the bare minimum of pain meds which I'm still very grateful for, but I don't know how much more I can handle. I keep switching in and out, letting whoever handle things that can, but the result of that is that everyone around me is confused, and I feel frustrated. A little bit depressed about having this, also..the DID I mean. I don't want to be 'mentally ill', I want to be normal. I didn't ask to get born, why couldn't I at least be normal? Then I realize that I have a lot of advantages over people who don't split....and it makes me feel better somehow.

The two worlds...

...meet again. I have one world that is the schizophrenic world and the other world is real life. I have noticed for the last two days that I had been going along with the schizophrenic world. I started believing that people were watching me again...through there own brains. In my schizophrenic world there is a thing called "mind linking" where people try to watch me through there own minds. Though I think that I can feel it happening...I have to remember that it is just paranoia. To force myself back into the real world, I remind myself that it is all happening again because I am worried about my husband. He just went to the doctor for a colon check. He has been having some problems lately and they want to check his colon and prostate I think. What if it is something?...we have only been married four months. I don't want to think about it. It is very hard for me to believe that no one else hears what I hear. It is so loud most of the time. And there are so many.
I trying to get my medication back on track...no more dizzy spells. I feel like I am never alone most of the time, to a point that it shocks me if I feel all alone for more then a few minutes. I want to steal the feeling and keep it with me always. I have said this before, with my medication I can tell the difference between the real world and the schizophrenic world. Since I know the difference I can tell myself that it is just the schizophrenia and go on about my life. If I am taking my medication wrong or at a wrong time or trying to get it back on track... then the two worlds collide. I could barely tell the difference between the two for the last two days. It all seems real to me and that is where the trouble BEGINS. Note that I said 'begins". Distinguishing real life from the "schizophrenic world".... alot of schizophrenics end up at the hospital during this point. Twice, since I have been diagnosed, I had nearly taken myself there.
I know what it feels like to be so lost in "feeling" the things that schizophrenics feel, hear, and smell. That is what makes it seems so real. I was at work and had been hearing "voices" most of the day ( I was trying a new dosage of my medication that the doctor had prescribed) when I suddenly heard a loud voice say "Are you trying to overdose yoourself? You have taken too much.". The next thing I new I was feeling faint and I felt like I couldn't stay awake...really felt it. The "voice" told me that I should get up and walk around and to try to stay awake because if I went to sleep I would not wake up. So I got up and started to try to move around but with every step I took it seeled like I would get more exhausted. I went to the phone and the "voice" said to call an ambulance. I just kept telling myself it was the schizophrenia and that I was ok. I stuck it out for another thirty minutes. and it became time to close the store for the night. When I got to the point of doing my paperwork...it all went away. And I felt fine again. It is one thing to hear "voices" but I usually FEEL like what they are saying is the truth...I really feel it. It is what makes it real hard for some schizophrenic to survive the real world.

I have to get my medication back on track.

I have been taking it at different times of the day as opposed to the same time of day everyday to keep it balanced out. I have to take my medication twice a day everyday. I decided one day last week to try and take my pill a couple of hours before I accomplished the task of restocking the cooler. Because my voices were too loud and desturbing while I was reloading the cooler at work. I took it two hours early so that I could get the cooler done more quietly and I did accomplish this. It was alot quieter...not as many voices. But I started having dizzy spells from it. So after experimenting for a week I ended up with the fighting in my head returning in the mornings when I woke up and lack of sleep. The fighting woke me up this morning from a real sad dream I was dreaming. I don't know which is worse the dream or the fighting. I know that my levels are off and I am going to have to get back to my regular schedule. Well we know what happens when I start screwing with my medications...so we won't do this again.
On another note...I am off of work for three days in a row and I am soooooo glad that I don't even mind the fact that it looks like we are going to have a storm....I say let it rain. I am in the mood for one of those days where you have to find things to do in the house to keep you busy because it is pooring down rain outside. I love the rain...the mood it puts me in...hard rain ...or slow rain. I've got a couple of things to do in the house it'll be great.
...It figures...I just "heard" the most awful thing... I had a dream last night that a man had died and his wife was trying to tell their fours sons (young children) that he was gone forever and they would get to say goodbye to him at the funeral. I woke up during this time with a bunch of arguing going on in my head. But the voice just told me that if I didn't want him to die that he had a couple of people that I could take instead...as if it were up to me to decide who lives and who dies. It's an awful feeling that goes with it. Let me see if I can explain it...It feels as though someones life is as stake and no matter what decision I make a lot of people are going to be hurt. With my medications I know the difference between real and not real...without my medications it all seems like it is real. I don't know if anyone could understand that but I will try to explain it the best I can. It is like a grownup reading a fictional story. The grown up knows that it is all fiction and none of it has happened in real life. The adult knows that it is not true and it is all made up from the authors mind. But if a young child reads a fairy tale or fiction...he or she doesn't quite realize that the story is only "make believe" and he might try to fly like Peter Pan or Mary Poppins only to get hurt because he or she jumped off the couch with an umbrella or worse. Without my medication it all seems "real life" to me and I have a real hard time believing that it is only my schizophrenia that causes me to hear, see, feel, smell and taste all these things.. I do not know if this makes sense. But there is a huge difference and I am greatful for my medication.

Normality

Basically this week I feel pretty normal...a normal wife...a normal "feeling" parent and a normal working woman. I think my life would be quieter if I didn't work but then I would probably have more paranoia. I "hear" more voices at work then anywhere but I am more paranoid at home. I still feel like people are watching me and can see me undress, shower and use the restroom. It feels freaky but...not much I can do about it. I am coping with some depression this week. I seem to be getting haunted by memories of David and the kids. Especially right before I lost them. People say some things go away with time...but the desvatation of losing the kids has never gone away and the "haunts" of memories (not good memories) prolongs these feelings. I don't know whether it is normal to go through this from time to time after something devastating happens (I did not lose my kids to death but to Welfare) or if it is my schizophrenia. I lost my kids partially due to the schizophrenia and things I was doing and saying because of it and partially due to the fact that they were molested in my home. It was very awful and distorting for me to lose them. I said things to them that I don't remeber saying and to this day cannot believe I could have ever done that to them.....I never ever meant to. They know this now...THANK GOD. I never meant to hurt my kids. But it was alot of the things I was hearing in my mind and they were awful things. I ended up saying them to my kids. I can remember what it was I was hearing but I can't remember saying it to my kids. But I did and luckily Welfare saw it or else I would probably still be doing it. I didn't know that I had schizophrenia then...it wasn't something you talked about in front of people or even mention it to my family...you just didn't tell people you heard voices. I am rehearsing over and over again what I will say to my kids about the schizophrenia...my son knows but he doesn't know what I hear and he doesn't know much about it. So when I go to explain why they had to stay in Welfare custody....I just hope they forgive me and love me. My son does...we have a great relationship. But my girls are still in custody and I won't tell them about the schizophrenia until I am face to face with them...that way they won't think I am going to die from it or something.
This site is helping me so much. This is the place where I can let all my worries out. I can just write out all my gripes, worries, sorrows and other frustrations out.
I wanted to write this down too. I saw a T-shirt a while back that said "I was schizophrenic but we're all ok now" ... "we're" meaning all the voices...I thought it was cute and wanted to share it. Mel would never let me have a shirt telling everyone I was schizophrenic. He says he is not ashamed of it but he thinks it should be private. I told him about the things that I hear and he is starting to understand...he is literally the only person I can tell face to face and the only one who didn't freak out besides my Aunt Lisa...the other woman who writes on this site.
Well, why don't I explain what I hear lately...and it is not JUST hearing things. It is actually feeling things that are not happening - such as I feel like people are inside my head and it causes alot of tension and alot of paranoia. I feel uneasy and like I am never alone. And alot of times these people that I feel inside my head are fighting. It is like a bad marriage and the only thing these people want to do is argue and bicker at each other. I think I have mentioned this part before but I also used to feel as though I was being physically raped but I couldn't even fight my attacker off. He would just rape me and make himself feel huge and I could feel it...I was in alot of physical pain for months because I could constantly feel this. But the medicine stopped that stuff almost immediately. I take Geodon. But now I just feel like people can hear me and my husband making love. Because of this we are not making love so much lately. I have been smelling unpleasant odors that are really not there...we won't say what. The fighting in my head is what bothers me the most lately and that happens when I am late taking my medicine like last night. I am feeling alot better and I am not suicidal anymore. I don't feel worthless at all either. I heard about one woman who was schizophrenic and went to the hospital believing that the devil was turning her insides to liguid...she was feeling alot of pain and they had to admit her to the "psych" ward. So I am thankful I am taking my medicine regularly. I know that this all sounds absurd to you all but to a schizophrenic without medication it feels very real...the feelings are intense and extreme...please try to understand

I am realizing...

That I love to wake up in the mornings. Mornings don't seem to be as miserable as they used to be. I hated them before, I hated waking up in the morning...just to know I had another day to get through was the most depressing thing I could go through. Now it seems like it is another day forward to recovering my life. The days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months and before I know it I am closer to my goal than ever before. My goal is to be able to function totally normal in life with all the means necessary to make it on my own. Then to save a little money and began to "own" things again. It is a little ways off but I am extremely close to it considering how I was 3 years ago.
Now that my depression is under control along with certain parts of the schizophrenia; I am able to keep my concentration for the most part. I remember trying to have a conversation with someone and my head would get so clouded with "voices" that I couldn't hear what the other person was saying to me anymore. Even just being a cashier, the customer would ask me something and at that very moment the "voices" would start up and I wouldn't be able to hear them. I remember asking one customer 3 times what it was he needed because I could not hear him. But now that I am on the Geodon that doesn't happen anymore.
Lately though, I have been hearing the fighting in my head for about 2 or 3 seconds each time I have heard it. It sounds like at least two people are fighting an arguement right inside my brain. Aggravating...I want to curl my head up into a corner somewhere. I am realizing that it is showing physically also...because I duck my head out of the way as soon as the fighting starts so I am sure I look rediculous doing it.
But for the most part I am functioning pretty well considering I am not fighting with "voices" anymore. It must have looked and sounded insane when I used to lock myself in my room and verbally fight with the "voices". It took me about 9 years to realize that I was the only one who heard them...now I try to ignore them.
The Geodon took away most of the paranoia and the hallucinations as well as most of the fighting in my head...so I am "controlled" (that is what I call it). I am functioning pretty well in the real world. I do not think that I need "Disability" or any other form of assisted income, for now. But, that doesn't mean that something won't push me over the edge...it seems that when I feel "uncomfortable"...even if it is just that I am cold...or a little stressed out...the "voices" get harsher to deal with and the paranoia goes into effect...it never fails. So I am working on other ways to keep me in a good frame of mind and keep myself on a "comfortable" schedule. It seems to be necessary.

Kinda a family diagnosis update...

Paula and I were discussing our diagnoses last night, and in the interest of keeping the family mental health history updated, here are her current official diagnoses: OCD (pretty severe), Social Anxiety (mild/moderate), Depression (moderate), Anxiety attacks (situational), Self-Injury (situational), and the biggie that leaves me feeling sad and frustrated, but I do believe it because of things I've seen...Dissociative Disorder (mild)...now, let me point out, that is NOT quite the same thing as Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is what I have. But she does dissociate when stressed, and cannot at this point control it. She's about to start either prozac or zoloft, either should be some help to her symptoms.

I wish sometimes that our gene pool could be closed up somehow or something. I just hope that it dilutes generationally over time. Thank goodness medications are getting better and they're taking these things more seriously now than they did when my mom was in treatment.

Sometimes...

I feel like someone has stolen pieces of my life... Like somehow my own brain is stealing it's peace of mind. There are times in my life when I can only recall the things I was "hearing" instead of what was happening in real life at that time. I can remembering "hearing the voices" and what they were saying to me more then I remember moments with my children. It is truly amazing how a brain can go on what seems like a crusade or go to another world without being on illegal drugs. I did not want to go to this other world but then --where my brain goes I, apparently, must follow.
My brain constantly tries to convince me that there is another way of living....a more powerful way... With the medication I take (Geodon) I am able to tell the difference between real and unreal. Without the medicine, it wouldn't take long before I couldn't tell at all and my mind would be a mess.
I remember times before June 2004 that I was in the house by myself argueing (real loud) to people that only I could hear and see. But they were real to me. And in June of 2004 I started to go to the Mental Health Center and was able to get help.
I really thought that I would get some "miracle drug" that would stop all of it at once, but it doesn't. I have come along way though from feeling like I was being raped...I actually could feel it--physically and emotionally (a hallucination). Hallucinations that you can really feel are absolutely the worst thing I could ever know of. Because when it is a hallucination you can't fight it off or fight back.
I was thinking about this yesterday when I noticed that, at least, I was only hearing things. At least, I can work. And at least....I am able to live controlled... there are still people who don't ever leave their house and can't work... most don't work.

Fighting off urges...

I need to fight off the urge of talking to my "voices". I tend to tell my "voices" to "Get Away!" and that is not a good thing when you have customers around you. OOOPS! I can imagine trying to explain that to one of my bosses....hahahaha

Apparently self-injury is common in people with DID.

I just wish I could fight the feelings more than I am able to. Sometimes it's the only thing that makes me feel 'real' in an unreal world. Makes me feel better, more in touch with things, more HERE instead of so fragmented. I've successfully fought off the urges about 5 times so far since my diagnosis...and I'm proud of each time. It was embarrassing when I had to go for blood tests yesterday and my arm was all scarred with long straight lines. The technician didn't say anything but she did see and I just looked away. There are some things that are so broken that they cannot be fixed. Ever.

It is better

...Too take my medication once in the morning and once at night. If I take both Geodon at night I end up too sullen. I hope I spelled that right. It makes a difference in my attitude. I feel too sedated if I take them both at night. I feel that way all day long. It cuts down on the "voices" also.
I am off to work after having a couple days off. I just Thank God I can work. Sometimes it gets hard but I think I am strong enough.
It gets overwhelming to live two different lives. I "hear" one life and live another. I remembered a long time ago that my "voices" would tell me that all the things I was hearing was my own brain...but I didn't believe them. Now I note constantly that I don't hear any "voices" when I am in a conversation with a real person. I put in quotation marks the word "voices" but to me they sound as if someone is right next to me talking to me. It is just that my doctor puts the word in quotation marks- that is where I got it from. I told him that I felt people trying to read my mind and all he said was "How do they do that?". It isn't the reading my mind that bothers me as much as the feeling I get...I feel uncomfortable, uneasy, and insecure. It is hard to work or be able to do much of anything (especially concentrate) with the feelings I get from the "hearing", "seeing" and "smelling" things. I just realized that I doubt anyone will understand this either...but at least I do.

No"cocktails"

My Doctor feels that with the reactions I had to higher dosages of medications that I couldn't handle it...I will just be on Geodon and Paxil. I was devastated at first....because I wanted to get rid of the rest of the "voices" but, I am alright about it now.

I have to take a bunch of meds also...

At least what you have can be controlled or at least somewhat alleviated by medication. Mine can't. I take Paxil for depression and Klonopin for anxiety and Inderal for chest pain..all things caused by what I have, but even though the medication is helpful for anxiety (and when I start thinking that I'm fine without it, all it takes is to forget to fill it and let it run out for a couple days, then I see how much it really does) it can't fix what's really wrong. Supposedly therapy can, years and years of it...but the world that I live in inside myself isn't really all that bad most of the time. Yes, I get jealous of people who can do 'normal' things, but when I start thinking of what it would be like to be 'cured', to be just myself without each of my insiders, it scares me. They each have their own opinions and preferences and ideas and things, and they've been with me so many years that I don't think I have the right to change their lives, if that makes any sense. I hate most of all, though, not being believed. I think of all the things I struggle with, that is the part that I hate more than anything else. Then again, there are periods of denial that I go through where I don't believe it myself...but there are certain things that are absolutely undeniable. I just wish it were fixable no matter how many meds it took to fix it.

These last few days...

...have been quite peaceful. I go to see my doctor today so maybe I can get some more medical help. Maybe this time he will find the right addition to my combination of drugs. I just have to keep trying different kinds until we find the ones that help. Hopefully I will only need one more drug. The Geodon got rid of the fighting in the mornings and the feelings of being raped. It also helped with the bathroom paranoia...seeing faces in the toilet and feeling like I was being watched. Some of that is still there sometimes. It helped though. I can't wait to get shed of the feelings of someone "linking" to my brain and portraying my every thought. Or the hearing myself think. With the Geodon I know the difference between real and unreal... I know that it is not possible to read someone's mind but it doesn't stop the "feeling" as though someone is reading it. I know they can't but it feels like they are. I know this sounds strange but it is not something that I can just "talk" about to anyone...people get weird when they hear stuff like "psychotic features". I mean really what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear "psychotic features". But all it really means is that I hear, see, feel, and smell things that are not there. I am not violent nor are most schizophrenics. I just don't want to "hide" myself indoors...I choose to live or try to live normally. But here on this blog I can choose to hide nothing. Everyone needs an outlet. With people I have to be very careful about what I choose to tell them.
Well let's get ready to see my doctor and begin my "cocktail" of medications. Oh and Lisa, remember your physical health is important, too. But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

I cancelled the lithotripsy I was supposed to have.

I couldn't stand the thought of the needle for the spinal injection and it was causing us to sleep about 3 hours a night and to switch out repeatedly trying to find someone inside who could handle the massive amount of terror. Then after it was cancelled, I had to deal with Jenny (who is apparently still 10) wanting to draw...and as usual, her picture was all sharp angles and points and dangerous things and nuclear missles. But she was able to communicate that she was afraid that the doctors would be angry with us for cancelling the surgery..and one thing we've never been able to handle (with the exception of Celeste, at least) is having someone be angry with or unhappy with us or something we've done. We'd rather do nothing, than be criticized. Criticism or even the anticipation of criticism or anger always leads to cutting. I'm proud of myself though, we didn't cut this time although the urge was very, very strong. Cutting is usually the only way that Jenny can disappear back inside, because she doesn't feel that type of physical pain when she does it, and she cuts until it does hurt...then whoever is left in front at that point cleans up, takes care of things, and deals with the inner devastation that we feel afterward, and shame, and depression. My doctor feels my meds are working properly, and perhaps they are, I'm not so sure of that since I'm becoming more and more limited in what I can do as the days pass...but I'm in no active therapy at all right now and I wish more than anything that I could find a therapist that would deal with me who is experienced with DID/MPD and that I could afford on disability. I need it badly and want it badly but my doctor discontinued the therapy that we were doing and never explained why even though I've mentioned it, and I gave up rather than push her. I checked into therapists locally and the nearest one I've been able to find is about 90 minutes away--which seems like a thousand miles to someone who can Barely drive 2 miles to the store and that's only on VERY good days, which are rare and becoming more rare. So I do what I can by letting us draw and things like that. But I'm feeling more and more like a freak and feeling more and more anger than ever and that's not ok with me. I'm NOT allowed to feel anger, never have been, never should be. I tried to tell my doctor that I'm going to explode but she doesn't seem to believe me and I've told her before, several times, that #1, I do not lie to her, and #2, the most frustrating part of DID is not being believed. I think a lot of it is that her time at that clinic is up in about 6 more months and she felt a need to stop working on it. But why not just TELL me? I would have dealt with it better had there been honesty.

AHHHHH

It all sounds as if I'm in a crowded room with a bunch of people yelling and arguing. They are not arguing any certain topic, just odds and ends...more like bickering about nothing. I haven't tried to count them but there is about 7 of them. I even see my customers accuse me of instigating the nonsense. I wanna curl up in a corner and hide. It is all very frustrating and nerve racking. If I try to make it stop it seems to get worse. I end up humming to myself to rty to make it all stop. But then my "voices" want to hum with me and that makes me mad. It is like trying to get away from someone that follows you and is there no matter what you do to get away. I feel as if everyone in the world can hear it and it makes me paranoid. I think I am going insane. If I talk to myself it helps but then I don't really like the idea of being caught talking to myself. That wouldn't look good for someone trying to become an Assistant Manager.
On that subject...I was passed over for assistant manager but I have only been there 6 months. It sorta has me frustrated about it but I still try to prove myself. And I really think I do a good job. I am always there I haven't missed a day of work yet. And I will be working every single day until we get more help. My boss seems to want to make me an assistant but it is not up to him...It is up to his boss. With the stress of not getting any days off for at least two weeks there will probably be more "voices". This is like a test to see if I can handle the work load.
I feel anxious most of the time that no matter what I do the "voices" will start or get worse. It is like this all the time and it is a hell of a way to have to live. I see why most people who have Schizophrenia can't work. As if I wasn't crazy enough...stress makes it mountains worse. I wish they would invent a pill that made it go way within an hour of taking the pill. But it doesn't work that way. For my schizophrenia, my medication stopped certain parts of the schizophrenia like the fighting in my head in the mornings but did not stop other parts of it. There is the fighting outside of my head at work I need to stop.
This week I see my doctor and I am pretty sure he will begin to try to find another medication that could help me. I will be on a combination of medicines for my Schizophrenia instead of just one pill. Probably for the rest of my life. That means looking out for drug interactions and trying not to accidently overdose myself... wish me luck.

Therapy

Well, I talked to my therapist about hearing so many "voices" at nighttime lately. And it seems that we have found the problem. See I use to take my medicine twice a day...one in the morning and one at night for a total of 120 mg of Geodon a day. But when my doctor increased and then decreased my dosage from 120 mg to 160 mg and then back down to 120 mg he told me to take both pills at bedtime instead of one in the morning and one at night. Well the medicine began to wear off about 6:00pm the next night and since I couldn't take more until 12:00am (I work 2nd shift) the "voices" would get louder and louder. My therapist advised me to try the one pill in the morning to one pill in the evening again and see if that was the issue. So far, so good. It has been very peaceful at nighttime again. I have to watch that stuff when they put me on my "cocktail". The "cocktail" should start next week. I am sorta worried about taking several medications for schizophrenia. But I'll be careful.I gotta not forget to ask about my sleeping pills and should I quit taking them while I am on a cocktail.
Well, the working is going ok. I will have put in about 30 hrs overtime in next week because we lost a worker this week. Luckily, I got two days off before this started. &0 hours aweek until we find help. Can you imagine working 70 hours a week in a convenience store. whewwwww. I am kinda taking it pretty well right now. No extra voices or anything. Stress usually makes my "voices" insane. See there is a difference between me being insane and my "voices" being insane. I will go for now and get ready for work.

Paranoid...

I have been paranoid that people can hear my brain and they know what I am thinking all the time. It doesn't really seem to bother me but I feel it bothers them though. Which in turn makes me extremely paranoid. It has been going on for awhile and is worse the last few day. So I bought a Xanax which is making me feel normal again. Mel wants to go bowling tonight. It sounds like a good idea to get out of the house and do something else for a change. It seems that the more paranoid I get the less talkative I get. I am in a flat stage right now. Nothing is exciting anymore. Which is probable good. The more excited I get the more "voices" I hear.
My eyesight has change and Mel has made me an appointment with an eyedoctor for Thursday morning. He takes care of me. I am a very lucky woman to have him. I never had anyone take care of me except for Mama--she don't count though. I just wish this paranoia would go away so I can work better. I am off tonight and tomorrow. And I want to take advantage of it. I also want to get a weight machine. It will cost $159.00 which is pretty good for all that it does. That will help me to lose weight which is my top priority nowadays. I have lost 16 lbs since June so it is going real slow. But you would think that that was a healthy way of losing weight...wouldn't you. It's not fast enough for me. But I can at least see the difference now. That makes me feel better. Well I need to go fold some laundry and other stuff. I wanna geek on my computer.

Schizophrenia

Seems the "voices" are driving me up the wall. Most of them happen at work. There aren't as many but it looks like just one medication won't be able to stop it. SO I guess the Doc and I will be talking about other medications. The side affects for some of them are things like Diabetes and Blood Infections. Some of them I will have to have a blood test done every two weeks. But I was told it is a good medication for Schizophrenia. I just hope I won't need that one. Or maybe the other medications will be enough for me to say "NO" about the one that needs a blood test every other week. I was also told that if I felt suicidal at anytime while trying these medications I am to go straight to the emergency room. Glad I have some insurance now. :) Sometimes I think that this is too much just for Schizophrenia and I should've just stuck it out. But when I remember what it was like without the Geodon...I know that I have to do this. Or I will be screaming at the "voices" again. It slowly got that bad. The hallucinations caused alot of paranoia but I still have just alittle bit of that. I wander if what I am writing makes any sense at all.

Illness on top of Schizophrenia...

Some kind of infection. I have had a couple of periods this month and three separate spottings. My throat is swolen and I just all around don't feel good. I have been having more 'bouts at work with the schizophrenia. It really is getting harder. But I really need to work.

One type goes by how much you have worked, yeah..

and since you married him, you'd be stuck with that type I guess. Because his income would keep you for being eligible for the one I get, which doesn't depend at all on how much you've earned, and I get over twice what they say you'd get, so I guess it's different here.

The "voices" are extremely rough when I am at work.

But I don't want to quit. Having the money helps me psychologically and I don't want Mel paying for everything I want. The "voices" are tough to handle and they are pretty loud and irritating at work. But I can't imagine waiting for a $400.00 check every month. That is all I would get. They said it goes by how much you have worked and I would only draw $432.00 a month. I bring home twice that much after my bills are paid. I need to work if I can. So I will just be experimenting with different medications until they find my combination.
I also found out today that I have Eczema (a skin disorder). Great! Just Great! Did you ever want to stop going to the Doctor because you keep finding out stuff is wrong with you???

Getting disability...

it's a hard process but it's not so bad once it's over, and it helps to validate that you're not imagining things, there really is something that isn't the way it should be. At least it's helped me a lot with that. And it takes the stress of working away, which in my case was making my problems at least 50 times harder to deal with.

Ok I was wrong...

But you knew what I meant. You can write whatever you wanna write about. Or need to write about. This is all about psychological disorders and what at least me and you go through. With your PID/DID and my Schizophrenia we need a place to communicate. I was informed that I am a Paranoid Schizophrenic last week. And that I should think about drawing disability. I have been paranoid alot lately. I feel like people can hear my mind think and that it bothers them to hear it. They aren't trying to hear it, but they can't stop it. So I am sitting here trying to stop it with my mind. Same ole circle. But until I think to myself that I am the only one who hears this stuff then I finally calm down. And that is what is going on right now...all in "my little world".

Getting better..

I had to go back to the doctor and he decreased my Geodon to 120mg a day instead of 160mg. He said that was too much for me. So now I have reached my limit on the Geodon and will began to try other medications for the other schizophrenia features. The Geodon got rid of the fighting in my head and the paranoia...most of it. Now we have to try other drugs. I hope that I won't need to many medications for this. Some of the side effects of some of the other drugs are really awful. Like Diabetes, blood infections, gaining weight. So far so good though.

Dangers

I have all these reactions to this medicine and I have been informed that I probably need a "cocktail". That is when you have to take several different medicines for a problem like my schizophrenia. The side effects to these medications are serious stuff like Diabetes and Blood Infections. It's bad stuff. I have went as high as I will be able to go with the Geodon. The only drug that doesn't make you wanna eat. I am already paranoid about my weight. I also was informed that I should probably draw Disability. The slightest stress puts me into the "voices" and paranoia. (spelling may be wrong). When they increased my Geodon this last time I started having really blurred vision in my right eye and fainting spells. So I will probably be going back to the Doctor today or tomorrow. My work is suffering tremendously because of these appointments. Oh and did I mention the uncontrollable crying episodes every day this week. I can't handle it. I can't handle much more. And Mel is gone. My doctor wants him to quit his job but he can't yet. We need the money. And I really won't let him. He needs this for him> He has been worried about the money for awhile now. And he doesn't have to worry with this job...he makes a lot. I can't quit crying. My therapist is working on that though. And what I meant about Life Isn't Fair was about your situation...Lisa. But I am right behind you ok. Every other day seems like a struggle to just get stuff done that I have to do. But if I lay around I get overly paranoid that maybe I am not breathing right. I feel terrified all the time. But my therapist just called and I have an appointment tomorrow at 3:00 about the bad effects from the increase in Geodon. Am I going to be literally sick with blood infections because of schizophrenia? I am scared to death.

You're right...

Life isn't fair...but it beats the alternative, I think...I've been very very sick for 3 days so that's why no one's hearing from me right now. Got to go back to the kidney specialist tomorrow for an x-ray. One good thing though, I'm going to get to have the D&C that I've been trying to get for years. Though I'm terrified of the anesthetic since I always react to it. But I can't handle the pain anymore either.

What's wrong?

Life isn't fair...

I'm sooooo stressed out...

That is why I have been hearing women screaming. Doctor says it is stress. I finally cried this afternoon before Mel left because he was leaving again. Going to drive a tractor trailor for his new job. He leaves and is gone for 5 nights a week. I thought I was handling things pretty good...guess not. I feel fear and tiredness. I am sad when he is gone and anxious too. It all adds up to too much at any rate. My doctor increased the dosage of my medicine also. And now I know why there is a sticker on the bottle that says "Do not operate heavy machinery". I have been taking this medicine at such a low dosage that I never "felt" those kind of effects before. Now I feel them with the first pill. So I guess now we will see how this stuff works. I think I know why there is such a problem with people not wanting to take the medicines for schizophrenia. It brings you down fast. Even with the other pills it brings me down. But if it weren't for those Geodon- my whole world would be crashing around me. I will keep taking my medicine but I have to take it at just the right time. Stress, fear, tiredness, anxiety, work, and much more....oh goody.

I'm having troubles again...getting tired of it.

I seem to be able to have a few good days where I have a little energy and feel happy about my life in general, then suddenly I go downhill and when I do, watttchhhhh outtttt. And it's driving me crazy. I know everyone has moods (hold on, I need a good cry, lemme put on some tearjerking music to try to get this thing over with lol...) But this is so frustrating, because I have to deal with not only normal moods, but mood-flip-flops when the one who's out front goes to the rear and someone else starts having their moods. Sometimes I don't think I can take much more...and then...I do. It just hurts SO much. But it's all 'situational' and 'rational' and therefore, though we COULD medicate it, if we do, then I'll lose all progress I've made. So I choose to suffer, wishing it would end like she says it can someday (she being my doctor). But there's so much she doesn't know, so much that nobody knows and on days like today, I don't feel like I can stand it another second. I'm supposed to be learning to Feel. Well, I'm starting to think that feeling is too horrible and I don't want to do it...No wonder I stopped doing it so long ago. Paula's helping me as much as she can...we actually talked about Matthew and came up with a few ways for her to get more closure on that (Matthew would have been the first baby). She hadn't talked about him to anyone, and it helped us both. Feelings. Hmph. Having emotional feelings come back is like when your foot is asleep and it starts to wake up...first it kinda tingles and you think hey, this might be interesting...then it hurts...and you realize that you're not sure you should have woke it up, but by then the process is starting. I'm cutting more, which means I'm feeling more which means I'm making progress. Christmas is being VERY VERY hard for me because I miss my family and feel very very lonely and cut off from everyone and everything...and it's so deep inside that Dee can't even help reach it to help...most years I didn't really care that much, we went through the motions and had it for the kids. But last year (my first "DID" year) she bought things for all of my parts, and that helped some...this year, it's different, because I've invited Paula and her kid(s) over (Nathanial's due the 17th) and I'm doing it as big as I can considering my budget (dollar stores are lifesavers, aren't they??) in order to give myself my first 'Family' Christmas in years, hoping I'll remember it and not kill myself or cut or anything. I'm looking forward to it, that's a good sign I think. I've already bought oodles of stuff for the babies and Dee's kids too at the dollar stores, and Paula and I are going shopping today so that she can buy things for the people she has to buy for. I doubt that she's told her dad that she's coming here (he doesn't even know where my new place is, lol...I've threatened everyone with death if they tell him, now that she's over 18 so he doesn't HAVE to know.) I'm hoping that it'll be good, but who knows :)
I am feeling a wee bit better now, time to get off here and get out of the house for a while, while I feel capable of driving.

Can anyone see this?

I can't get It's all Psychological to show on my screen..... got it.

Well...

I didn't have anymore panic attacks while Mel was home. He left again just an hour ago and so far I haven't had one. Maybe I am getting use to the idea of him being gone. I feel better today. And I get to talk with my doctor on Thursday. I will tell him about the screaming women and about the attacks. I need to work harder on trying to quit smoking. A part of me can't stand smoking cigars and another part of me just doesn't want to quit. It seems to be more of a hassle then anything. The trying to quit.
I have been sad about Christmas coming and my girls being gone. It gets this way every year.
It has also been raining and flash flooding alot the last two weeks. I am going to clean the house to get my mind off things. And I will try to geek some on my computer. I haven't been able to do that in awhile.

More panic

I had another attack today. I am hearring women screaming again. I am taking my medicine normally. Mel is going to be a day late coming home, I guess that is why I feel so sad. I want to break down in tears but I can't. He calls about three times a day but I just don't feel safe. I have beeen smoking more too. My lungs felt like they used to when I smoked cigarettes. I don't like it at all but I can't seem to get the strength to give it up yet. It seems like an added chore that I don't want to do. Not right now with the panic attacks happening so much lately. I have 45 minutes till I go to work. Anxious to get there and dreading it at the same time. I will probably have to work 6 days next week instead of my four...to cover a girl with some vacation time left. I am not enthused the slightest bit with the thought...but. Life is too hard.

I didn't know

I did not know that panic attacks came from sudden changes in life. That would explain alot of stuff happening. Thanks Dear...It seems that alot of information that we give to each other actually does help me alot. I thought that other people would join this blog. People with mental problems that needed a place to go. You can't really tell other people all the feelings that you get even though it is not actually happening...they just don't understand. But I understand you and I hope you understand me. My two blogs help me soooo much. It is like medicine. I have to tell my therapist. Tried to make an appointment with her and they kept switching me from one secretary to another so I gotta do it in person. I can't believe neither secretary could make the darn appointment. --trying to curb my cussing-. I will tell her about this next time. She seems to think that I do good and am able to live normally. My work record speaks for itself. Not one call in. Haven't been sick yet but I get sick every winter...it has not failed me yet. I have started to have a bad skin problem. My skin has dry patches that crack and bleed. These patches are on my hands. It hurts ...and I will tell my doctor about it on the Dec. 9th appointment. Right now I bought a tube of Gold Bond Healing Lotion with alot of vitamins. But it may be a rash. I break out in tiny bubbles in a small patch and then it turns dry and cracks and bleeds. Never had anything like that before. Oh well...for right now.

Had another panic attack

Another one this afternoon. I am a little worried about them. But taking a walk helped. My pastor caught me walking and stopped to tell me that it was good to have me worshipping with them. I get to meet him next week--I mean I get formerly introduced next week. Panic attacks are bothering me. They have hit pretty hard since Mel went out of town. I miss him. He misses me too. I hope I can geek long enough to feel better.

Anxiety attacks--Panic attacks

To start at the beginning; Mel dropped me off at work and left out to his new job. He is going to drive tractor trailors and deliver paper to various places. He dropped me off and left out for his 5 days of traveling which leaves me alone most of the week. Last night was the first night he will be gone for 5 days. I was fine until it was time to wait for my taxi to take me home. I suddenly felt extremely scared so I called him crying saying that I don't think this new job of his isn't going to work out. I can't handle the 5 days alone every week. My taxi didn't run too late only about 6 minutes. They usually run about 20 to 50 minutes late. I suddenly just couldn't handle not having Mel there for me and got scared. And when I got home I fed the cat and went straight to bed. Then about 1:00 am Mel called worried about me. He even said that if the job wouldn't work out because I couldn't handle it that it would be ok. He was missing me too. I couldn't even read my Bible last night. I was scared to death of reading it. But I soon knocked out.
You are so lucky Lisa. Your doctor will give you something to help with attacks like this. But because of my past my doctor won't even chance it. So I have to grasp for something familiar to me that makes everything ok again. I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL. I mean something like last noght at the store I smoked a cigar which helped to ease the attack. They call them anxiety attacks but it is best described as a feeling of being terrified suddenly-- full of fear. I was frozen with it last night. It was all about being there without Mel coming to pick me up. I hope I am not becoming co-dependant. That would not be a good thing with this new job of his.
Most people remember things like first date, little things their kids said to them that was really cute or funny, most people remember real life moments. Somebody with these kinds of mental disabilities or diseases like Schizophrenia remember things that never really happened. I was so busy fighting the voices that it consumed me. I only remember one or two things about raising my kids. But I remember the devastation of losing them. And it took 4 years to learn to live again. I don't think that there will ever be a day when I don't break down in tears when I think about it. I THANK GOD at least my kids are living. I waited too late to get help for my schizophrenia. So I tell people now to get help at the slightest thought that they might have a mental disorder. I remember things like fights I had with my "voices". And constant redicule over things I did or said while I was hearing the awful things my voices said or did. Not a fun life. Now I have to get up the courage to walk a mile to Walmart. So I must go and get out of this mood.

My doctor finally...

put me on something to help me sleep at night. It does more than that, it knocks me straight out. We'd tried other things before but it didn't work, it seems that many medications that are supposed to make people drowsy have an opposite effect on me and make me hyper. So she gave me Ambien last week...and for the first time, I'm sleeping more than two-three hours in a row at night. It takes you right down at night a few minutes after you take it, and you wake up feeling pretty ok, not all groggy. And I'm not feeling sleepy allllllll day long like I was when I wasn't sleeping, so that part of it is great. Only part I don't like is that I'm "locked into" the dreams when they happen, I can't just wake myself up like I used to could. The other night I had two really vivid ones, one involved being in a foster-type home and realizing that the girl who had been there before didn't run away, she was molested and murdered. The other dream involved being a young girl in the days of Hitler and being forced to go into a concentration camp. Weird dreams with no seeming relation to anything I'm going through in life. I'm sure there is a connection, I just can't quite find it. I got that dream-link, thank you :) There's something going on inside of me that I'm not quite facing yet, every time I try to face it, I shut down. Had a bad 'cutting' episode the day before or the day of Thanksgiving (not sure which day it was). I've been researching Self-Mutilation and I thought I was all alone in it pretty much, when actually I'm a textbook-classic case of it. It was kinda funny to find that out. In a weird way. Anyway, I've poured out too much for now.

"Hiding..."

"Hiding" seems to be what caught my attention most about your dreams. I could be wrong and I mean no offense but it sounds like you are hiding something from yourself...but there is a place online for dream interpetation... I will get you a link. It is in MSN where the tarot card reader is for free.
It gets dark here at 4:45 pm now since the time changed. It is really weird.
I have noticed that at work I hear voices most of the time but at home I hardly hear them. I think it has a lot to do with how comfortable I am. The feeling of "home" calms me and the feeling at work is "busy". Not near as comfortable. But I don't feel safe at my job anymore and that is the trigger for the hearing "more" voices lately. It seems we have had a series of armed robberies across the city and I work in the city limits. The motel two doors down from us got robbed and then there were several a night for a week. They caught the armed robber but not the driver and a car that fits the description of the one the police were looking for was parked behind my store Saturday night. I wasn't scared when I went to confront the people in the car and tell them to leave even knowing that the armed robberies were still happening. But I get real nervous about the money. If I don't have enough to appease the robber would he get mad and shoot me. I am freaking out about this. But I have three days to not think about it, I hope.
It is playing hell on my schizophrenia.

More like downright impossible-Life, I mean. :)

I've been going through a really really bad time right now...I know why, the dreams I'm having are trying to show me the reasons, and yet I don't understand. It's like it's right there in black and white in so many different ways to make it so clear to me, and I can't..put..my..finger..on..it. Then I wake up and it's all over with for the night...but then another night rolls around and I'm up most of the night again. Then when I do sleep, the same dreams in the same places making it so very clear that I am supposed to understand and I Can't! I'm either in Grandmother's house in my old room's closet, hiding...or I'm in the old house on Old Summerville Road trying to find SOMEthing that isn't even THERE. Today I was feeling already pretty depressed so I decided to finish cleaning our bedroom and put some things away, I decided for once to try a little music to make it, I dunno, less boring. So I put in what I thought was innocent: an Abba tape. Next thing I know I'm lying on the bed crying for no reason. As soon as I caught it, I stopped the tape, got myself out of there and called Deanna to talk me through it so I wouldn't cut...and I didn't cut, either...I'm proud for that at least. I'm out of Vicodin and that is NOT helping one bit. I ran out suddenly and it threw my body for a loop, I usually have to take 1-3 a day (regular strength, not the extra strength ones). So my dreams should really be interesting tonight lol.

Life is hard...

It gets me down how hard things can be. I watched a movie about spousal abuse and now I feel distant. I am supposed to quit smoking cigars and I don't want to. I am trying to help my kids and I don't know what else to do. I feel kinda lost, I guess. Haven't been able to sleep good. I have been hearring things most of the time. I go to see my doctor tomorrow. My husband is there for me but I feel distant. The feelings that I got from the movie, I think. Things have been getting real loud with other sounds inside my head. Hear a lot of screaming lately. I feel like the whole world can hear my schizophrenia. And it bothers them and I can't do anything about it. So I smoke cigars. It makes me feel better. I feel like I have something left that is mine. It is time for my medication. I need to watch tv ...Some Law and Order.

I am married now.

I got married yesterday and I feel really good about it. That's alot to a schizoid. Sorry if you don't like the word but I can laugh about my issue sometimes. I spent most of the day yesterday getting use to the idea. Even though I knew for a while it was gonna happen. We got married in our blue jeans. No, I am not pregnant. We were originally there to get the marriage license and were getting pretty stressed about the cost of shoes for the dress and so on. I was anyway. When we saw a sign that stated "$53.00 for marriage license; $5.00 to get married". It seemed like all that stress would go away if we just went ahead and did this---and it did.
You probably understand what I am talking about. I had the dress but the pearls were the type that looked liked kids would play with. So my mother gave me some.. so on and so on and still hadn't had time to look for a pair of shoes to match the dress and the pearls. It just got more like a huge chore then something I wanted to do. So we figured it would all be cheaper and over with if we went ahead and got married. What a relief!!! It is all over finally. I want pictures taken in my dress though. Hehehe Some people can have it all.
We seem to put ourselves through so much trying to please other people. Or trying to do things we "think" would please everyone else. I got married in my old blue jeans. Take that Society!!!

When I was little...

When I was about 12 or 13 I use to hear music or sometimes like a television was on. At first just music but now it is like a tv is on. Depends on how loud the sound is. A fan motor on low used to sound like music now it sounds like people talking if I turn the fan up it sounds like fighting. The explaination I got from the therapist who works with my doctor was this --one explaination...You have nerve endings in your brain that produce certain chemicals. And send certain signals to your brain...for whatever reason (usually a chemical imbalance) the signals are not being recieved correctly by certain nerves or aren't being sent correctly. The fan makes a sound - your brain hears the sound but also hears music...probably an imbalance is sending more signals to your brain than just the sound that is actually there. I think of it as -my brain is not recieving sound properly...I hear things like people fighting and lately women screaming which is very dramatic. Tell your PID doctor what my doctor said and there might be something she can do. I am not saying that you are schizophrenic but that you might have an imbalance. I was 14 when I first heard the first voice. He said his name was Ricky and he was my best friend. I told Mama it was a ghost. I remember the things I hear more then I remember yesterday. Anyway, the sound thing with me is getting outta hand. Something my doctor needs to know. I wander if I will be like my Grandmother and have to change meds every three months because it stops working. I can't deal with the screaming.

About background noises...

I don't know if it's related at all, but my doctor thinks it's odd, when there's a fan on or anything that makes a steady sound like a fan or an engine or a vacuum, something like that, I hear very very faint music. Not anything I can distinguish words to or anything, just background instrumental music that I can just barely hear, like a whisper in the fan/motor/whatever. Goes away when it's turned off. No ringing of the ears or dizziness and my hearing is actually stronger than it should be, I hear things that most people don't. I do have trouble filtering sound though, and if I'm reading there can't be any noise at all or I cannot concentrate on what I'm reading, same if I'm doing something else that requires thinking, like working on a computer or trying to solve a math problem, etc. I wonder if it's related somehow.

Oddly enough, Dee's heard the music in the fan also.

Half a day without the medicine was enough.

I called Walmart and they said they would fill a weeks worth or whatever I could afford to buy at a time. A weeks worth was $70.00. I can't afford this medication. I will have to talk with my doctor on the 16th of November about a cheaper medicine. I still hear things with the Geodon. But, I suppose I am not really looking for it to totally stop all of the schizophrenic effects, though I wish that it would. I hear things all the time and I have a paranoid feeling that the whole world can hear it. I have a day off tomorrow and I would like to relax my way with it. It is about 1:00 am on November the 2nd...vote day. I am supposed to vote today but I don't want to spend my day at the polls. I know it will be very busy tomorrow. So I think I am staying at home. I will only have one day off for two weeks...I need to relax. I am literally talking myself into it. hehehe. I finally got some things rolling from Court ...but this site isn't for talking about it. It has nothing to do with the schizophrenia. I still have a major problem with the way my brain receives sound. It is really bothering me. I hear a motor hum at work (like the ice machine or the cars outside) and my head seems to go nuts. My head receives sound wrong. Such as if I hear the ice machine or a cooler run it sounds like people are screaming or arguing at each other. Not pleasant at all. So I suppose I must also tell the doctor about this getting worse. He may decide to start me on something new anyway. We shall see. My smoking cigars has gotten worse this week. I know it is because I feel so uncomfortable with my surroundings because of the sounds and stuff. I am getting tired so maybe I will sleep tonight and get up in the morning instead of the afternoon. At least, I can work. Some schizophrenics can't.

No Meds

Oh goody we get to see what it is like without meds. For about a week. DRAT

Seems to be better now...

Seems to be better now that I got to write it out. Lot less "dying" in the 'voices'. You know we call them "voices" but that isn't most of the problem. I hear things.. sure. Sounds like someone is in the room talking to me as if they were there. But the things that really bother me are the"ideas" that come into mind. They come from inside my head. Like the dying or ideas of dying that I mentioned before. It is just and an idea that seems to pass through my mind as if it were put that or "laid" there but some human hand. It is weird and it is very freaky. Sometimes the thought just sits there until I make some visible effort to shew it away from my head. I know that it isn't logical and that it isn't even what I "normally" worry about. I am not afraid of death but if the thought linger's after I get busy doing something else; I tend to get deeply afraid or paranoid about it. With the medicine it is more controlled and if I ignore it seems to go away pretty quick and there won't be another thought like it for awhile. So what do I do if I run out of meds. Like I will in two days. I am worried...afraid that my check won't go through until friday. Though it should stay in my system for about a week, at least. Don't worry folks... I know the stuff I hear, see, etc. ain't real. I am non violent also. I have also been smelling an odor like a dogs breath or something. The more I worried about the worse it got. The cat wasn't even around. I Thank God Mel is very clean too. This writing wasn't that bad but it seems to freak people out...so I wrote it in red. My problems seem to be with my five senses. That is the little stuff. But most of us are NON VIOLENT. So don't you dare think that I am a bad person.

Afraid to Die...

Suddenly, I have had this fear of death. Mine or anyone's. I am usually nowhere near afraid of death. My philosophy was that death had to be the end of all pain (which was alot of what I was feeling-Pain). I was in a lot of emotional pain then. Now I am suddenly afraid to do things that I love. Like driving. I love being in control of a good running motor. It is like men's love of cars and motors I think. I feel so uncomfortable driving lately. Maybe it is just that it is my fiance's Mercedes Benz or maybe because the car doesn't belong to me. If I got a smaller car maybe zI would feel different. But there is still the fear of dying that I have. I have never been afraid of death in my life. Sometimes I am afraid that this fear might keep me from living. I am even afraid to walk today. Scared that I may get hit by a car. I feel intense fear at the thought of it. It is pretty scary. And somedays there are new fears. This one has been going on for about 3 or 4 weeks now. I think that my life may never be normal again and that living with new fears ( even though I really don't fear them) may become an everyday thing. I am not liking the thought of that at all.

I probably said it wrong...

I do not believe that the voices will go away because I decide to jump into a church. I KNOW that it won't. But I want to know God better and my own beliefs about church are not what I would like them to be. I have an opinion about church I have had since I was a teenager and it has not changed. I have not yet seen a church that did not judge people. I am not talking about the basics "like you are a sinner you are going to hell". I am talking about stuff like I have heard of a church resigning a deacon because he wore shorts to a church function--a picnic. Let me explain it better. I think that most churches judge people way tooo much. And the bible says don't. I know of churches who ask their paritioners (spelling might be wrong) to leave their church if they live with someone unmarried. When the whole point is to get the people into church and under God's house (so called)not tell them to leave. I believe that the church can twist things up and hurt people doing it. As far as your life goes... men were with men and woman were with woman way back then in the biblical days. The big question is...were these people with these other people for love or lust. But it still isn't for me to say if it is a sin or not. So live and let live and if people find solace in the church no matter who they are or how they live let doors be open. Jesus sure wouldn't turn anyone away...nor did he.
Now then and the other answer to the other question is I think I want to find my church.
I want to find my church now. I want to do this not because it might get rid of the voices but because I really want to. That is what "DEAR GOD..." is all about. I have really seen too many miracles to ever be able to deny his existance and never wanted to. http://www.dedicationtogod.blogspot.com
Got ya started... :) Is that better. :)

The church thing worries me.

I don't have a problem with going to church and believing in God, well, with going to church I suppose I do, because I have a very strong understanding that organized religion is against most biblical teachings nowadays ( worded that backward. what i mean is that current religions teach inaccurate biblical teachings) But if you have chemical imbalances in your brain, going to church is not going to fix that. All it can possibly do for you is make you think 'well if I'm going and doing what these people say and I'm not better, then I'm not going to heaven' and that's ridiculous. I just don't want to see anyone fall into that trap...I do my own studying of the Bible, in different translations and versions and much of what I have read and learned is so different from what was originally intended (assuming that, like me, you believe that the KJV Bible is the most accurate, if not then none of what I've said would apply to you) Not sure how I got into this, gotta not get me started talking religion, I have very very strong beliefs in spite of my lifestyle, and I can back them up biblically, and it's a favorite subject of mine LOL so I'll stop preaching now. :)

On the topic...

I was thinking last night that I would put down some of the things that are going on with me...the psychological stuff. I have been hearring things all the time. I hear things like someone is explaining my thoughts. Or some twisted version of what I am thinking. Whenever someone is behind me I think I hear someone say "you farted". When I lay down to go to sleep it sounds like someone is trying to get my attention. Talking. It is hard to explain. But I have heard my mother tell me she wished I would kill myself and all sorts of things. The bottom line is that the Geodon helped with some stuff and not with the voices. But I am glad that it helped with the bad stuff. I have started to go to the restroom and have started seeing faces in there again. This has just been going on for two days now. I see my bosses "brain linking" tome and saying that I should get ahold of my head. I can't stand it. This isjust what I put this site up for. No matter what. I wanted a place to where people who have problems such as Schizophrenia and Multiple personalities and Bi Polar or other brain disorders could go and let it out without having to worry about other people acting afraid of them. A place for us to talk out the paranoia and the delusions. I can't even really tell my doctor about it. I just say "I'm hearring stuff again" or "I am having the such and such problem again". I can't talk to him about it and I think it might help if I could. If someone was there to say "I swear to you people can't hear what you think and twist it around". "I swear Jennifer that people can't brain link to you and get the wrong idea." I asked Melvin if he had gone through anything like this and he said that stuff like that went away when he started to go to church. OH GREAT. I thought. I believe in God but I can't go to church until we are married. I will be soon but Ican't go until then...been wanting to go for awhile now. You know it is so hard to got through something like this with absolutey no where to go and really talk about or vent. I can't talk about it these people will think I am nuts. Or if I do talk about it she is gonna get nervous and uncomfortable. SO THIS SITE IS JUST FOR THAT REASON. Now I can let it out and if you are reading and get squimish then sorry. I feel tired and better at the same time.

I was short again.

I don't know what is happening. But I was short again. If I lose this Melvin might be disappointed in me. But I can get help from the Mental Health Center, she said they have some back to work help. But this time no registers. With my problem those kind of mistakes won't be tolerated. I could only leave a note for my boss tonight saying "I don't steal". I wander what is going to happen. He should find it in the morning. I will fall asleep tonight.

It's All Psychological

It's All Psychological Change is Good

I feel like I wanna cry alot

All the time, I feel like I am going to break down in tears. Sometimes I wanna run away but not because Melvin is doing anything wrong ---but just because I feel that sad. I feel like I am wasting my life but that is not how I truly feel. I wanna drink, too, lately. I feel so sad. I wander about my kids. I wander why Melvin even cares about me.

Busy Week

In two days I start a seven day work week. Sounds pretty good considering how boring it has been. But I am Thanking God for the boringness. No something or other to go through, no frustration, no panic and no mood swings. Just got done cleaning the house and I have nothing elsae to do. I am waiting for a printer to come by mail. I can't wait for that. I hope that it matches the computer. Mel will be home in a little while to help me move my desk. I think we are going out to eat tonight. Mexican...wheeeeweee. I wanted to get some software but I need to save all my money for Christmas. Normal things. Seven straight days of work is gonna be something to do and maybe it'll keep my mind off of things. My schizophrenia is acting up...I taste liquor in my diet shake. Losing some more weight helped my attitude. So now there is a light at the end of this long tunnel of dieting. I have dieted and done it right for a long time. And only one thing seems to help...DON'T EAT.

I was down in the dumps

It is a wander everything isn't psychological. I went through the day with a "blah" attitude. Every single thing seems to have a psychological affect on me. My weight, my Mel, definately my kids, my job... The job seems to get me through. I miss my kids and I can't wait until they get older. Till they can get to know me on a regular basis, Till I can bother them relentlessly with my "I love you" and other mushy stuff kids don't like. Life has been hard on me and even worse, harder on my kids. I can never change what happened nor could I stop it. It gets so hard sometimes. I will never know how to handle this. I work, I compute and then there is Mel but I feel so lost, like nothing in this world could ever make it up to them. I want to scream. I am scared to death that I might not ever have a relationship with my girl's. That they will end up hating me. I know that someday I am gonna hear "It's all your fault" and "Where were you" and "You weren't there". I know that someday I will hear all of them. I want so much to make them understand what happened and...God I am so sorry that I couldn't stop it and I couldn't handle it either. I pray to God that this doesn't happen to them--that they never lose their kids. In any way at all. Hopefully. All I can do is hope that I can bring some happiness and be funny for my girl's and maybe I can lesson the damage. I can keep right on knowing that everything happened for the best, but they will never understand hoew awful and hard it is. They will never fully understand. I will go for now and go to sleep and maybe it will be a brighter day tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to me

Well, it is my birthday and I feel pretty decent. I had a hectic night at work but it went fast. I am 33 years old and I feel like it. I have awonderful man I am going to marry and 3 wonderful kids I love very much. I am real tired though. I have this new life and it agrees with me totally. I have been sober now for 2 years and five months the 10th of this month (which is tomorrow). Being sober is a lot more happier then being drunk. I just wish my girls could share it with me as much as Cory does. I hope they can go home soon. I need them to go home to their family. My medicine didn't seem to work all that great today. I am kinda worried about it. But I am not having the bad spells. I need vision and dental insurance. My teeth are real bad. I guess it can wait a little longer. My eyes need checked too. But things are really looking better for me. Well that is it for now.

Decisions

I have had a pretty good day today but I have a decision to make -- I can tell the doctor I am still hearring things constantly or tell him I am fine. The meds cost so much and the big stuff is gone anyway. The higher the dosage the more it cost. I have a good doctor and if I tell him he will probably go up on the dosage. If I tell him it cost too much he will change the perscription and this is one of the only medicines that doesn't cause weight gain. I am 186 lbs now. but I have lost some weight. I was at 196. I will probably tell him I am fine.

A good day...

It is so important to me to have the "good days". They let me know that it won't all be the bad. That it has gotten better since I have been in Theerapy and using the medicines. I also have the blogs. I have two. Between the two of them I can get out all I wanted to say. Everything I needed to say and realize to myself. I thought about having one all to myself that way I could be a bummer if that was one of the moods I was in and not feel bad if I brought someone "down". But I figure it is apart of my life and it is a part of my phsycological problems. So this blog is the one that will hold my mood swings and my terror. My exciting days and my screw ups without me feeling guilty about how it sounded and if I scared anyone. A place for my mind to go. I just wish it could help other people...to do the same thing.

These days...

Maybe it is just the stress of court and all but lately I have been having cluster headaches again. I had them with the Abilify and before whaen I was 12 years old. My eye is swelling--the right one. I will take some Benedryl tonight and hope that does it. My sinus's are messed up too. Hopefully it isn't the medicine. I feel really tired and right now as I sit in front of the computer I have a scared feeling. But I know that it is the schizophrenia. You don't just hear things with schizophrenia you feel them too. All my senses are out of control. I smell things, hear things, see things (sometimes), taste things (not much as far as my schizophrenia is) feel things for no reason or feel things that aren't there. Like the feeling that someone is right over my shoulder ready to yell at me right now. I hate when it gets like this. And this headache... I made it through my work night though. I went through a couple of days last week where I was sooo scared that I felt afraid to move. No reason, except for feeling I was intensly scared suddenly...it lasted about 30 minutes each time it hit me. After almost three weeks of taking the higher dosage of Geodon, I think maybe it might be the medicine. I hope not. I can use the restroom without being paranoid and I can wake up with out the screaming in my head. It is sooo peaceful in the morings now. I need a downer to get this feeling away from me...brb. Took one. It is about my bed time. I thought I would bring myself up to date. :) I am realising that I have just went through about a week and a half of "hearing" signs that I was going to die soon. I was scared to drive the other day. It is the medicine. So I have to tell my doctor. I'll either be put on a lower dosage again or on a new medicine soon. This stuff is so expensive. Time to go for now.

I been having normal days again

... Such as getting in a good mood and then frustration at a customer for making me 2 minutes late to get off work. The nerve... He was nice though. My boss will find out what went wrong with my paperwork last night. I ended up being over (not short) in my drawer last night. I wish I could just keep it right myself. Can't seem to nail it. I just don't see how I could be $7.35 over. I am pretty sure I didn't rip anyone off.
Back to category. My medicine seems to work pretty good. I really only believe I am hearing things instead of believing all these people are talking to me without being here or else they are trying to make me insane. Cold-hearted stuff. Well, I should go for now. There is not really much to say with the medicine working...right now anyway.

I am getting better..

I used to realize it when I didn't hear things for a little while, I thought "Hey, cool, I am not hearing stuff right now, cool". And as soon as I thought it I would start hearing again for a little while. Now it almost seems like a normal Jen again. Well I am very tired tonight so I will go for now.

My doctor...

My doctor increased my dosage to 120 milligrams of Geodon a day. The voices have changed. They sound like the aren't talking to me or about me anymore. Like the voices are turning away from me. It is really weird how the "voices" seem to have found something better to do. I am relieved. But I am also finding myself worried more. Worried about real life things. I mean I always worried about my kids and people I love. But I never really worried about keeping a job or worry about being robbed before. It didn't scare me until now. I thought life would be the easiest thing to live (especially after what I have been through) if I could just get rid of the voices. Now I don't worry about getting rid of the voices...I worry about real things. Go on and roll your eyes at me, but when you think 5 or 6 people are watching and talking about you all day long... you never get a minutes peace and even just peeing can be quite an ordeal. You feel like there is no privacy. You wanna say something to the voice like "look I can do this by myself" or "can't you find anything better to do". Besides bother me all day. But it does not go away without drugs...not for me. I feel better nowadays. But I am depressed about real issues. So I will go for now. Love to you.

I have been having problems

At work, I seem to be having a few problems. I am forgetful of some things and I have been short in my register. Like I needed more issues to deal with. I might lose my job. Part of me says " I really like this job". Another says "I'll find one without a register" and the other voice says "Quit worrying there isn't much I can do about it". I just want a hob I can stay at and make a helpful amount of money. I greatly want to fully support myself but, I don't think that could happen. My medicine cost so much. It wasn't exactly a dream to work as a cashier but it made me feel better and the kids get some help. Part of me really wants to smoke again. I keep thinking that there are more important things than this job but, it costs money and the job is necessary. The only thing I can do right now. That is all right now. I wish my Aunt was feeling better.