One type goes by how much you have worked, yeah..

and since you married him, you'd be stuck with that type I guess. Because his income would keep you for being eligible for the one I get, which doesn't depend at all on how much you've earned, and I get over twice what they say you'd get, so I guess it's different here.

The "voices" are extremely rough when I am at work.

But I don't want to quit. Having the money helps me psychologically and I don't want Mel paying for everything I want. The "voices" are tough to handle and they are pretty loud and irritating at work. But I can't imagine waiting for a $400.00 check every month. That is all I would get. They said it goes by how much you have worked and I would only draw $432.00 a month. I bring home twice that much after my bills are paid. I need to work if I can. So I will just be experimenting with different medications until they find my combination.
I also found out today that I have Eczema (a skin disorder). Great! Just Great! Did you ever want to stop going to the Doctor because you keep finding out stuff is wrong with you???

Getting disability...

it's a hard process but it's not so bad once it's over, and it helps to validate that you're not imagining things, there really is something that isn't the way it should be. At least it's helped me a lot with that. And it takes the stress of working away, which in my case was making my problems at least 50 times harder to deal with.

Ok I was wrong...

But you knew what I meant. You can write whatever you wanna write about. Or need to write about. This is all about psychological disorders and what at least me and you go through. With your PID/DID and my Schizophrenia we need a place to communicate. I was informed that I am a Paranoid Schizophrenic last week. And that I should think about drawing disability. I have been paranoid alot lately. I feel like people can hear my mind think and that it bothers them to hear it. They aren't trying to hear it, but they can't stop it. So I am sitting here trying to stop it with my mind. Same ole circle. But until I think to myself that I am the only one who hears this stuff then I finally calm down. And that is what is going on right now...all in "my little world".

Getting better..

I had to go back to the doctor and he decreased my Geodon to 120mg a day instead of 160mg. He said that was too much for me. So now I have reached my limit on the Geodon and will began to try other medications for the other schizophrenia features. The Geodon got rid of the fighting in my head and the paranoia...most of it. Now we have to try other drugs. I hope that I won't need to many medications for this. Some of the side effects of some of the other drugs are really awful. Like Diabetes, blood infections, gaining weight. So far so good though.

Dangers

I have all these reactions to this medicine and I have been informed that I probably need a "cocktail". That is when you have to take several different medicines for a problem like my schizophrenia. The side effects to these medications are serious stuff like Diabetes and Blood Infections. It's bad stuff. I have went as high as I will be able to go with the Geodon. The only drug that doesn't make you wanna eat. I am already paranoid about my weight. I also was informed that I should probably draw Disability. The slightest stress puts me into the "voices" and paranoia. (spelling may be wrong). When they increased my Geodon this last time I started having really blurred vision in my right eye and fainting spells. So I will probably be going back to the Doctor today or tomorrow. My work is suffering tremendously because of these appointments. Oh and did I mention the uncontrollable crying episodes every day this week. I can't handle it. I can't handle much more. And Mel is gone. My doctor wants him to quit his job but he can't yet. We need the money. And I really won't let him. He needs this for him> He has been worried about the money for awhile now. And he doesn't have to worry with this job...he makes a lot. I can't quit crying. My therapist is working on that though. And what I meant about Life Isn't Fair was about your situation...Lisa. But I am right behind you ok. Every other day seems like a struggle to just get stuff done that I have to do. But if I lay around I get overly paranoid that maybe I am not breathing right. I feel terrified all the time. But my therapist just called and I have an appointment tomorrow at 3:00 about the bad effects from the increase in Geodon. Am I going to be literally sick with blood infections because of schizophrenia? I am scared to death.

You're right...

Life isn't fair...but it beats the alternative, I think...I've been very very sick for 3 days so that's why no one's hearing from me right now. Got to go back to the kidney specialist tomorrow for an x-ray. One good thing though, I'm going to get to have the D&C that I've been trying to get for years. Though I'm terrified of the anesthetic since I always react to it. But I can't handle the pain anymore either.

What's wrong?

Life isn't fair...

I'm sooooo stressed out...

That is why I have been hearing women screaming. Doctor says it is stress. I finally cried this afternoon before Mel left because he was leaving again. Going to drive a tractor trailor for his new job. He leaves and is gone for 5 nights a week. I thought I was handling things pretty good...guess not. I feel fear and tiredness. I am sad when he is gone and anxious too. It all adds up to too much at any rate. My doctor increased the dosage of my medicine also. And now I know why there is a sticker on the bottle that says "Do not operate heavy machinery". I have been taking this medicine at such a low dosage that I never "felt" those kind of effects before. Now I feel them with the first pill. So I guess now we will see how this stuff works. I think I know why there is such a problem with people not wanting to take the medicines for schizophrenia. It brings you down fast. Even with the other pills it brings me down. But if it weren't for those Geodon- my whole world would be crashing around me. I will keep taking my medicine but I have to take it at just the right time. Stress, fear, tiredness, anxiety, work, and much more....oh goody.

I'm having troubles again...getting tired of it.

I seem to be able to have a few good days where I have a little energy and feel happy about my life in general, then suddenly I go downhill and when I do, watttchhhhh outtttt. And it's driving me crazy. I know everyone has moods (hold on, I need a good cry, lemme put on some tearjerking music to try to get this thing over with lol...) But this is so frustrating, because I have to deal with not only normal moods, but mood-flip-flops when the one who's out front goes to the rear and someone else starts having their moods. Sometimes I don't think I can take much more...and then...I do. It just hurts SO much. But it's all 'situational' and 'rational' and therefore, though we COULD medicate it, if we do, then I'll lose all progress I've made. So I choose to suffer, wishing it would end like she says it can someday (she being my doctor). But there's so much she doesn't know, so much that nobody knows and on days like today, I don't feel like I can stand it another second. I'm supposed to be learning to Feel. Well, I'm starting to think that feeling is too horrible and I don't want to do it...No wonder I stopped doing it so long ago. Paula's helping me as much as she can...we actually talked about Matthew and came up with a few ways for her to get more closure on that (Matthew would have been the first baby). She hadn't talked about him to anyone, and it helped us both. Feelings. Hmph. Having emotional feelings come back is like when your foot is asleep and it starts to wake up...first it kinda tingles and you think hey, this might be interesting...then it hurts...and you realize that you're not sure you should have woke it up, but by then the process is starting. I'm cutting more, which means I'm feeling more which means I'm making progress. Christmas is being VERY VERY hard for me because I miss my family and feel very very lonely and cut off from everyone and everything...and it's so deep inside that Dee can't even help reach it to help...most years I didn't really care that much, we went through the motions and had it for the kids. But last year (my first "DID" year) she bought things for all of my parts, and that helped some...this year, it's different, because I've invited Paula and her kid(s) over (Nathanial's due the 17th) and I'm doing it as big as I can considering my budget (dollar stores are lifesavers, aren't they??) in order to give myself my first 'Family' Christmas in years, hoping I'll remember it and not kill myself or cut or anything. I'm looking forward to it, that's a good sign I think. I've already bought oodles of stuff for the babies and Dee's kids too at the dollar stores, and Paula and I are going shopping today so that she can buy things for the people she has to buy for. I doubt that she's told her dad that she's coming here (he doesn't even know where my new place is, lol...I've threatened everyone with death if they tell him, now that she's over 18 so he doesn't HAVE to know.) I'm hoping that it'll be good, but who knows :)
I am feeling a wee bit better now, time to get off here and get out of the house for a while, while I feel capable of driving.

Can anyone see this?

I can't get It's all Psychological to show on my screen..... got it.

Well...

I didn't have anymore panic attacks while Mel was home. He left again just an hour ago and so far I haven't had one. Maybe I am getting use to the idea of him being gone. I feel better today. And I get to talk with my doctor on Thursday. I will tell him about the screaming women and about the attacks. I need to work harder on trying to quit smoking. A part of me can't stand smoking cigars and another part of me just doesn't want to quit. It seems to be more of a hassle then anything. The trying to quit.
I have been sad about Christmas coming and my girls being gone. It gets this way every year.
It has also been raining and flash flooding alot the last two weeks. I am going to clean the house to get my mind off things. And I will try to geek some on my computer. I haven't been able to do that in awhile.

More panic

I had another attack today. I am hearring women screaming again. I am taking my medicine normally. Mel is going to be a day late coming home, I guess that is why I feel so sad. I want to break down in tears but I can't. He calls about three times a day but I just don't feel safe. I have beeen smoking more too. My lungs felt like they used to when I smoked cigarettes. I don't like it at all but I can't seem to get the strength to give it up yet. It seems like an added chore that I don't want to do. Not right now with the panic attacks happening so much lately. I have 45 minutes till I go to work. Anxious to get there and dreading it at the same time. I will probably have to work 6 days next week instead of my four...to cover a girl with some vacation time left. I am not enthused the slightest bit with the thought...but. Life is too hard.

I didn't know

I did not know that panic attacks came from sudden changes in life. That would explain alot of stuff happening. Thanks Dear...It seems that alot of information that we give to each other actually does help me alot. I thought that other people would join this blog. People with mental problems that needed a place to go. You can't really tell other people all the feelings that you get even though it is not actually happening...they just don't understand. But I understand you and I hope you understand me. My two blogs help me soooo much. It is like medicine. I have to tell my therapist. Tried to make an appointment with her and they kept switching me from one secretary to another so I gotta do it in person. I can't believe neither secretary could make the darn appointment. --trying to curb my cussing-. I will tell her about this next time. She seems to think that I do good and am able to live normally. My work record speaks for itself. Not one call in. Haven't been sick yet but I get sick every winter...it has not failed me yet. I have started to have a bad skin problem. My skin has dry patches that crack and bleed. These patches are on my hands. It hurts ...and I will tell my doctor about it on the Dec. 9th appointment. Right now I bought a tube of Gold Bond Healing Lotion with alot of vitamins. But it may be a rash. I break out in tiny bubbles in a small patch and then it turns dry and cracks and bleeds. Never had anything like that before. Oh well...for right now.

Had another panic attack

Another one this afternoon. I am a little worried about them. But taking a walk helped. My pastor caught me walking and stopped to tell me that it was good to have me worshipping with them. I get to meet him next week--I mean I get formerly introduced next week. Panic attacks are bothering me. They have hit pretty hard since Mel went out of town. I miss him. He misses me too. I hope I can geek long enough to feel better.

Anxiety attacks--Panic attacks

To start at the beginning; Mel dropped me off at work and left out to his new job. He is going to drive tractor trailors and deliver paper to various places. He dropped me off and left out for his 5 days of traveling which leaves me alone most of the week. Last night was the first night he will be gone for 5 days. I was fine until it was time to wait for my taxi to take me home. I suddenly felt extremely scared so I called him crying saying that I don't think this new job of his isn't going to work out. I can't handle the 5 days alone every week. My taxi didn't run too late only about 6 minutes. They usually run about 20 to 50 minutes late. I suddenly just couldn't handle not having Mel there for me and got scared. And when I got home I fed the cat and went straight to bed. Then about 1:00 am Mel called worried about me. He even said that if the job wouldn't work out because I couldn't handle it that it would be ok. He was missing me too. I couldn't even read my Bible last night. I was scared to death of reading it. But I soon knocked out.
You are so lucky Lisa. Your doctor will give you something to help with attacks like this. But because of my past my doctor won't even chance it. So I have to grasp for something familiar to me that makes everything ok again. I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL. I mean something like last noght at the store I smoked a cigar which helped to ease the attack. They call them anxiety attacks but it is best described as a feeling of being terrified suddenly-- full of fear. I was frozen with it last night. It was all about being there without Mel coming to pick me up. I hope I am not becoming co-dependant. That would not be a good thing with this new job of his.
Most people remember things like first date, little things their kids said to them that was really cute or funny, most people remember real life moments. Somebody with these kinds of mental disabilities or diseases like Schizophrenia remember things that never really happened. I was so busy fighting the voices that it consumed me. I only remember one or two things about raising my kids. But I remember the devastation of losing them. And it took 4 years to learn to live again. I don't think that there will ever be a day when I don't break down in tears when I think about it. I THANK GOD at least my kids are living. I waited too late to get help for my schizophrenia. So I tell people now to get help at the slightest thought that they might have a mental disorder. I remember things like fights I had with my "voices". And constant redicule over things I did or said while I was hearing the awful things my voices said or did. Not a fun life. Now I have to get up the courage to walk a mile to Walmart. So I must go and get out of this mood.

My doctor finally...

put me on something to help me sleep at night. It does more than that, it knocks me straight out. We'd tried other things before but it didn't work, it seems that many medications that are supposed to make people drowsy have an opposite effect on me and make me hyper. So she gave me Ambien last week...and for the first time, I'm sleeping more than two-three hours in a row at night. It takes you right down at night a few minutes after you take it, and you wake up feeling pretty ok, not all groggy. And I'm not feeling sleepy allllllll day long like I was when I wasn't sleeping, so that part of it is great. Only part I don't like is that I'm "locked into" the dreams when they happen, I can't just wake myself up like I used to could. The other night I had two really vivid ones, one involved being in a foster-type home and realizing that the girl who had been there before didn't run away, she was molested and murdered. The other dream involved being a young girl in the days of Hitler and being forced to go into a concentration camp. Weird dreams with no seeming relation to anything I'm going through in life. I'm sure there is a connection, I just can't quite find it. I got that dream-link, thank you :) There's something going on inside of me that I'm not quite facing yet, every time I try to face it, I shut down. Had a bad 'cutting' episode the day before or the day of Thanksgiving (not sure which day it was). I've been researching Self-Mutilation and I thought I was all alone in it pretty much, when actually I'm a textbook-classic case of it. It was kinda funny to find that out. In a weird way. Anyway, I've poured out too much for now.

"Hiding..."

"Hiding" seems to be what caught my attention most about your dreams. I could be wrong and I mean no offense but it sounds like you are hiding something from yourself...but there is a place online for dream interpetation... I will get you a link. It is in MSN where the tarot card reader is for free.
It gets dark here at 4:45 pm now since the time changed. It is really weird.
I have noticed that at work I hear voices most of the time but at home I hardly hear them. I think it has a lot to do with how comfortable I am. The feeling of "home" calms me and the feeling at work is "busy". Not near as comfortable. But I don't feel safe at my job anymore and that is the trigger for the hearing "more" voices lately. It seems we have had a series of armed robberies across the city and I work in the city limits. The motel two doors down from us got robbed and then there were several a night for a week. They caught the armed robber but not the driver and a car that fits the description of the one the police were looking for was parked behind my store Saturday night. I wasn't scared when I went to confront the people in the car and tell them to leave even knowing that the armed robberies were still happening. But I get real nervous about the money. If I don't have enough to appease the robber would he get mad and shoot me. I am freaking out about this. But I have three days to not think about it, I hope.
It is playing hell on my schizophrenia.

More like downright impossible-Life, I mean. :)

I've been going through a really really bad time right now...I know why, the dreams I'm having are trying to show me the reasons, and yet I don't understand. It's like it's right there in black and white in so many different ways to make it so clear to me, and I can't..put..my..finger..on..it. Then I wake up and it's all over with for the night...but then another night rolls around and I'm up most of the night again. Then when I do sleep, the same dreams in the same places making it so very clear that I am supposed to understand and I Can't! I'm either in Grandmother's house in my old room's closet, hiding...or I'm in the old house on Old Summerville Road trying to find SOMEthing that isn't even THERE. Today I was feeling already pretty depressed so I decided to finish cleaning our bedroom and put some things away, I decided for once to try a little music to make it, I dunno, less boring. So I put in what I thought was innocent: an Abba tape. Next thing I know I'm lying on the bed crying for no reason. As soon as I caught it, I stopped the tape, got myself out of there and called Deanna to talk me through it so I wouldn't cut...and I didn't cut, either...I'm proud for that at least. I'm out of Vicodin and that is NOT helping one bit. I ran out suddenly and it threw my body for a loop, I usually have to take 1-3 a day (regular strength, not the extra strength ones). So my dreams should really be interesting tonight lol.

Life is hard...

It gets me down how hard things can be. I watched a movie about spousal abuse and now I feel distant. I am supposed to quit smoking cigars and I don't want to. I am trying to help my kids and I don't know what else to do. I feel kinda lost, I guess. Haven't been able to sleep good. I have been hearring things most of the time. I go to see my doctor tomorrow. My husband is there for me but I feel distant. The feelings that I got from the movie, I think. Things have been getting real loud with other sounds inside my head. Hear a lot of screaming lately. I feel like the whole world can hear my schizophrenia. And it bothers them and I can't do anything about it. So I smoke cigars. It makes me feel better. I feel like I have something left that is mine. It is time for my medication. I need to watch tv ...Some Law and Order.

I am married now.

I got married yesterday and I feel really good about it. That's alot to a schizoid. Sorry if you don't like the word but I can laugh about my issue sometimes. I spent most of the day yesterday getting use to the idea. Even though I knew for a while it was gonna happen. We got married in our blue jeans. No, I am not pregnant. We were originally there to get the marriage license and were getting pretty stressed about the cost of shoes for the dress and so on. I was anyway. When we saw a sign that stated "$53.00 for marriage license; $5.00 to get married". It seemed like all that stress would go away if we just went ahead and did this---and it did.
You probably understand what I am talking about. I had the dress but the pearls were the type that looked liked kids would play with. So my mother gave me some.. so on and so on and still hadn't had time to look for a pair of shoes to match the dress and the pearls. It just got more like a huge chore then something I wanted to do. So we figured it would all be cheaper and over with if we went ahead and got married. What a relief!!! It is all over finally. I want pictures taken in my dress though. Hehehe Some people can have it all.
We seem to put ourselves through so much trying to please other people. Or trying to do things we "think" would please everyone else. I got married in my old blue jeans. Take that Society!!!

When I was little...

When I was about 12 or 13 I use to hear music or sometimes like a television was on. At first just music but now it is like a tv is on. Depends on how loud the sound is. A fan motor on low used to sound like music now it sounds like people talking if I turn the fan up it sounds like fighting. The explaination I got from the therapist who works with my doctor was this --one explaination...You have nerve endings in your brain that produce certain chemicals. And send certain signals to your brain...for whatever reason (usually a chemical imbalance) the signals are not being recieved correctly by certain nerves or aren't being sent correctly. The fan makes a sound - your brain hears the sound but also hears music...probably an imbalance is sending more signals to your brain than just the sound that is actually there. I think of it as -my brain is not recieving sound properly...I hear things like people fighting and lately women screaming which is very dramatic. Tell your PID doctor what my doctor said and there might be something she can do. I am not saying that you are schizophrenic but that you might have an imbalance. I was 14 when I first heard the first voice. He said his name was Ricky and he was my best friend. I told Mama it was a ghost. I remember the things I hear more then I remember yesterday. Anyway, the sound thing with me is getting outta hand. Something my doctor needs to know. I wander if I will be like my Grandmother and have to change meds every three months because it stops working. I can't deal with the screaming.

About background noises...

I don't know if it's related at all, but my doctor thinks it's odd, when there's a fan on or anything that makes a steady sound like a fan or an engine or a vacuum, something like that, I hear very very faint music. Not anything I can distinguish words to or anything, just background instrumental music that I can just barely hear, like a whisper in the fan/motor/whatever. Goes away when it's turned off. No ringing of the ears or dizziness and my hearing is actually stronger than it should be, I hear things that most people don't. I do have trouble filtering sound though, and if I'm reading there can't be any noise at all or I cannot concentrate on what I'm reading, same if I'm doing something else that requires thinking, like working on a computer or trying to solve a math problem, etc. I wonder if it's related somehow.

Oddly enough, Dee's heard the music in the fan also.

Half a day without the medicine was enough.

I called Walmart and they said they would fill a weeks worth or whatever I could afford to buy at a time. A weeks worth was $70.00. I can't afford this medication. I will have to talk with my doctor on the 16th of November about a cheaper medicine. I still hear things with the Geodon. But, I suppose I am not really looking for it to totally stop all of the schizophrenic effects, though I wish that it would. I hear things all the time and I have a paranoid feeling that the whole world can hear it. I have a day off tomorrow and I would like to relax my way with it. It is about 1:00 am on November the 2nd...vote day. I am supposed to vote today but I don't want to spend my day at the polls. I know it will be very busy tomorrow. So I think I am staying at home. I will only have one day off for two weeks...I need to relax. I am literally talking myself into it. hehehe. I finally got some things rolling from Court ...but this site isn't for talking about it. It has nothing to do with the schizophrenia. I still have a major problem with the way my brain receives sound. It is really bothering me. I hear a motor hum at work (like the ice machine or the cars outside) and my head seems to go nuts. My head receives sound wrong. Such as if I hear the ice machine or a cooler run it sounds like people are screaming or arguing at each other. Not pleasant at all. So I suppose I must also tell the doctor about this getting worse. He may decide to start me on something new anyway. We shall see. My smoking cigars has gotten worse this week. I know it is because I feel so uncomfortable with my surroundings because of the sounds and stuff. I am getting tired so maybe I will sleep tonight and get up in the morning instead of the afternoon. At least, I can work. Some schizophrenics can't.

No Meds

Oh goody we get to see what it is like without meds. For about a week. DRAT

Seems to be better now...

Seems to be better now that I got to write it out. Lot less "dying" in the 'voices'. You know we call them "voices" but that isn't most of the problem. I hear things.. sure. Sounds like someone is in the room talking to me as if they were there. But the things that really bother me are the"ideas" that come into mind. They come from inside my head. Like the dying or ideas of dying that I mentioned before. It is just and an idea that seems to pass through my mind as if it were put that or "laid" there but some human hand. It is weird and it is very freaky. Sometimes the thought just sits there until I make some visible effort to shew it away from my head. I know that it isn't logical and that it isn't even what I "normally" worry about. I am not afraid of death but if the thought linger's after I get busy doing something else; I tend to get deeply afraid or paranoid about it. With the medicine it is more controlled and if I ignore it seems to go away pretty quick and there won't be another thought like it for awhile. So what do I do if I run out of meds. Like I will in two days. I am worried...afraid that my check won't go through until friday. Though it should stay in my system for about a week, at least. Don't worry folks... I know the stuff I hear, see, etc. ain't real. I am non violent also. I have also been smelling an odor like a dogs breath or something. The more I worried about the worse it got. The cat wasn't even around. I Thank God Mel is very clean too. This writing wasn't that bad but it seems to freak people out...so I wrote it in red. My problems seem to be with my five senses. That is the little stuff. But most of us are NON VIOLENT. So don't you dare think that I am a bad person.

Afraid to Die...

Suddenly, I have had this fear of death. Mine or anyone's. I am usually nowhere near afraid of death. My philosophy was that death had to be the end of all pain (which was alot of what I was feeling-Pain). I was in a lot of emotional pain then. Now I am suddenly afraid to do things that I love. Like driving. I love being in control of a good running motor. It is like men's love of cars and motors I think. I feel so uncomfortable driving lately. Maybe it is just that it is my fiance's Mercedes Benz or maybe because the car doesn't belong to me. If I got a smaller car maybe zI would feel different. But there is still the fear of dying that I have. I have never been afraid of death in my life. Sometimes I am afraid that this fear might keep me from living. I am even afraid to walk today. Scared that I may get hit by a car. I feel intense fear at the thought of it. It is pretty scary. And somedays there are new fears. This one has been going on for about 3 or 4 weeks now. I think that my life may never be normal again and that living with new fears ( even though I really don't fear them) may become an everyday thing. I am not liking the thought of that at all.

I probably said it wrong...

I do not believe that the voices will go away because I decide to jump into a church. I KNOW that it won't. But I want to know God better and my own beliefs about church are not what I would like them to be. I have an opinion about church I have had since I was a teenager and it has not changed. I have not yet seen a church that did not judge people. I am not talking about the basics "like you are a sinner you are going to hell". I am talking about stuff like I have heard of a church resigning a deacon because he wore shorts to a church function--a picnic. Let me explain it better. I think that most churches judge people way tooo much. And the bible says don't. I know of churches who ask their paritioners (spelling might be wrong) to leave their church if they live with someone unmarried. When the whole point is to get the people into church and under God's house (so called)not tell them to leave. I believe that the church can twist things up and hurt people doing it. As far as your life goes... men were with men and woman were with woman way back then in the biblical days. The big question is...were these people with these other people for love or lust. But it still isn't for me to say if it is a sin or not. So live and let live and if people find solace in the church no matter who they are or how they live let doors be open. Jesus sure wouldn't turn anyone away...nor did he.
Now then and the other answer to the other question is I think I want to find my church.
I want to find my church now. I want to do this not because it might get rid of the voices but because I really want to. That is what "DEAR GOD..." is all about. I have really seen too many miracles to ever be able to deny his existance and never wanted to. http://www.dedicationtogod.blogspot.com
Got ya started... :) Is that better. :)

The church thing worries me.

I don't have a problem with going to church and believing in God, well, with going to church I suppose I do, because I have a very strong understanding that organized religion is against most biblical teachings nowadays ( worded that backward. what i mean is that current religions teach inaccurate biblical teachings) But if you have chemical imbalances in your brain, going to church is not going to fix that. All it can possibly do for you is make you think 'well if I'm going and doing what these people say and I'm not better, then I'm not going to heaven' and that's ridiculous. I just don't want to see anyone fall into that trap...I do my own studying of the Bible, in different translations and versions and much of what I have read and learned is so different from what was originally intended (assuming that, like me, you believe that the KJV Bible is the most accurate, if not then none of what I've said would apply to you) Not sure how I got into this, gotta not get me started talking religion, I have very very strong beliefs in spite of my lifestyle, and I can back them up biblically, and it's a favorite subject of mine LOL so I'll stop preaching now. :)

On the topic...

I was thinking last night that I would put down some of the things that are going on with me...the psychological stuff. I have been hearring things all the time. I hear things like someone is explaining my thoughts. Or some twisted version of what I am thinking. Whenever someone is behind me I think I hear someone say "you farted". When I lay down to go to sleep it sounds like someone is trying to get my attention. Talking. It is hard to explain. But I have heard my mother tell me she wished I would kill myself and all sorts of things. The bottom line is that the Geodon helped with some stuff and not with the voices. But I am glad that it helped with the bad stuff. I have started to go to the restroom and have started seeing faces in there again. This has just been going on for two days now. I see my bosses "brain linking" tome and saying that I should get ahold of my head. I can't stand it. This isjust what I put this site up for. No matter what. I wanted a place to where people who have problems such as Schizophrenia and Multiple personalities and Bi Polar or other brain disorders could go and let it out without having to worry about other people acting afraid of them. A place for us to talk out the paranoia and the delusions. I can't even really tell my doctor about it. I just say "I'm hearring stuff again" or "I am having the such and such problem again". I can't talk to him about it and I think it might help if I could. If someone was there to say "I swear to you people can't hear what you think and twist it around". "I swear Jennifer that people can't brain link to you and get the wrong idea." I asked Melvin if he had gone through anything like this and he said that stuff like that went away when he started to go to church. OH GREAT. I thought. I believe in God but I can't go to church until we are married. I will be soon but Ican't go until then...been wanting to go for awhile now. You know it is so hard to got through something like this with absolutey no where to go and really talk about or vent. I can't talk about it these people will think I am nuts. Or if I do talk about it she is gonna get nervous and uncomfortable. SO THIS SITE IS JUST FOR THAT REASON. Now I can let it out and if you are reading and get squimish then sorry. I feel tired and better at the same time.

I was short again.

I don't know what is happening. But I was short again. If I lose this Melvin might be disappointed in me. But I can get help from the Mental Health Center, she said they have some back to work help. But this time no registers. With my problem those kind of mistakes won't be tolerated. I could only leave a note for my boss tonight saying "I don't steal". I wander what is going to happen. He should find it in the morning. I will fall asleep tonight.

It's All Psychological

It's All Psychological Change is Good

I feel like I wanna cry alot

All the time, I feel like I am going to break down in tears. Sometimes I wanna run away but not because Melvin is doing anything wrong ---but just because I feel that sad. I feel like I am wasting my life but that is not how I truly feel. I wanna drink, too, lately. I feel so sad. I wander about my kids. I wander why Melvin even cares about me.

Busy Week

In two days I start a seven day work week. Sounds pretty good considering how boring it has been. But I am Thanking God for the boringness. No something or other to go through, no frustration, no panic and no mood swings. Just got done cleaning the house and I have nothing elsae to do. I am waiting for a printer to come by mail. I can't wait for that. I hope that it matches the computer. Mel will be home in a little while to help me move my desk. I think we are going out to eat tonight. Mexican...wheeeeweee. I wanted to get some software but I need to save all my money for Christmas. Normal things. Seven straight days of work is gonna be something to do and maybe it'll keep my mind off of things. My schizophrenia is acting up...I taste liquor in my diet shake. Losing some more weight helped my attitude. So now there is a light at the end of this long tunnel of dieting. I have dieted and done it right for a long time. And only one thing seems to help...DON'T EAT.

I was down in the dumps

It is a wander everything isn't psychological. I went through the day with a "blah" attitude. Every single thing seems to have a psychological affect on me. My weight, my Mel, definately my kids, my job... The job seems to get me through. I miss my kids and I can't wait until they get older. Till they can get to know me on a regular basis, Till I can bother them relentlessly with my "I love you" and other mushy stuff kids don't like. Life has been hard on me and even worse, harder on my kids. I can never change what happened nor could I stop it. It gets so hard sometimes. I will never know how to handle this. I work, I compute and then there is Mel but I feel so lost, like nothing in this world could ever make it up to them. I want to scream. I am scared to death that I might not ever have a relationship with my girl's. That they will end up hating me. I know that someday I am gonna hear "It's all your fault" and "Where were you" and "You weren't there". I know that someday I will hear all of them. I want so much to make them understand what happened and...God I am so sorry that I couldn't stop it and I couldn't handle it either. I pray to God that this doesn't happen to them--that they never lose their kids. In any way at all. Hopefully. All I can do is hope that I can bring some happiness and be funny for my girl's and maybe I can lesson the damage. I can keep right on knowing that everything happened for the best, but they will never understand hoew awful and hard it is. They will never fully understand. I will go for now and go to sleep and maybe it will be a brighter day tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to me

Well, it is my birthday and I feel pretty decent. I had a hectic night at work but it went fast. I am 33 years old and I feel like it. I have awonderful man I am going to marry and 3 wonderful kids I love very much. I am real tired though. I have this new life and it agrees with me totally. I have been sober now for 2 years and five months the 10th of this month (which is tomorrow). Being sober is a lot more happier then being drunk. I just wish my girls could share it with me as much as Cory does. I hope they can go home soon. I need them to go home to their family. My medicine didn't seem to work all that great today. I am kinda worried about it. But I am not having the bad spells. I need vision and dental insurance. My teeth are real bad. I guess it can wait a little longer. My eyes need checked too. But things are really looking better for me. Well that is it for now.

Decisions

I have had a pretty good day today but I have a decision to make -- I can tell the doctor I am still hearring things constantly or tell him I am fine. The meds cost so much and the big stuff is gone anyway. The higher the dosage the more it cost. I have a good doctor and if I tell him he will probably go up on the dosage. If I tell him it cost too much he will change the perscription and this is one of the only medicines that doesn't cause weight gain. I am 186 lbs now. but I have lost some weight. I was at 196. I will probably tell him I am fine.

A good day...

It is so important to me to have the "good days". They let me know that it won't all be the bad. That it has gotten better since I have been in Theerapy and using the medicines. I also have the blogs. I have two. Between the two of them I can get out all I wanted to say. Everything I needed to say and realize to myself. I thought about having one all to myself that way I could be a bummer if that was one of the moods I was in and not feel bad if I brought someone "down". But I figure it is apart of my life and it is a part of my phsycological problems. So this blog is the one that will hold my mood swings and my terror. My exciting days and my screw ups without me feeling guilty about how it sounded and if I scared anyone. A place for my mind to go. I just wish it could help other people...to do the same thing.

These days...

Maybe it is just the stress of court and all but lately I have been having cluster headaches again. I had them with the Abilify and before whaen I was 12 years old. My eye is swelling--the right one. I will take some Benedryl tonight and hope that does it. My sinus's are messed up too. Hopefully it isn't the medicine. I feel really tired and right now as I sit in front of the computer I have a scared feeling. But I know that it is the schizophrenia. You don't just hear things with schizophrenia you feel them too. All my senses are out of control. I smell things, hear things, see things (sometimes), taste things (not much as far as my schizophrenia is) feel things for no reason or feel things that aren't there. Like the feeling that someone is right over my shoulder ready to yell at me right now. I hate when it gets like this. And this headache... I made it through my work night though. I went through a couple of days last week where I was sooo scared that I felt afraid to move. No reason, except for feeling I was intensly scared suddenly...it lasted about 30 minutes each time it hit me. After almost three weeks of taking the higher dosage of Geodon, I think maybe it might be the medicine. I hope not. I can use the restroom without being paranoid and I can wake up with out the screaming in my head. It is sooo peaceful in the morings now. I need a downer to get this feeling away from me...brb. Took one. It is about my bed time. I thought I would bring myself up to date. :) I am realising that I have just went through about a week and a half of "hearing" signs that I was going to die soon. I was scared to drive the other day. It is the medicine. So I have to tell my doctor. I'll either be put on a lower dosage again or on a new medicine soon. This stuff is so expensive. Time to go for now.

I been having normal days again

... Such as getting in a good mood and then frustration at a customer for making me 2 minutes late to get off work. The nerve... He was nice though. My boss will find out what went wrong with my paperwork last night. I ended up being over (not short) in my drawer last night. I wish I could just keep it right myself. Can't seem to nail it. I just don't see how I could be $7.35 over. I am pretty sure I didn't rip anyone off.
Back to category. My medicine seems to work pretty good. I really only believe I am hearing things instead of believing all these people are talking to me without being here or else they are trying to make me insane. Cold-hearted stuff. Well, I should go for now. There is not really much to say with the medicine working...right now anyway.

I am getting better..

I used to realize it when I didn't hear things for a little while, I thought "Hey, cool, I am not hearing stuff right now, cool". And as soon as I thought it I would start hearing again for a little while. Now it almost seems like a normal Jen again. Well I am very tired tonight so I will go for now.

My doctor...

My doctor increased my dosage to 120 milligrams of Geodon a day. The voices have changed. They sound like the aren't talking to me or about me anymore. Like the voices are turning away from me. It is really weird how the "voices" seem to have found something better to do. I am relieved. But I am also finding myself worried more. Worried about real life things. I mean I always worried about my kids and people I love. But I never really worried about keeping a job or worry about being robbed before. It didn't scare me until now. I thought life would be the easiest thing to live (especially after what I have been through) if I could just get rid of the voices. Now I don't worry about getting rid of the voices...I worry about real things. Go on and roll your eyes at me, but when you think 5 or 6 people are watching and talking about you all day long... you never get a minutes peace and even just peeing can be quite an ordeal. You feel like there is no privacy. You wanna say something to the voice like "look I can do this by myself" or "can't you find anything better to do". Besides bother me all day. But it does not go away without drugs...not for me. I feel better nowadays. But I am depressed about real issues. So I will go for now. Love to you.

I have been having problems

At work, I seem to be having a few problems. I am forgetful of some things and I have been short in my register. Like I needed more issues to deal with. I might lose my job. Part of me says " I really like this job". Another says "I'll find one without a register" and the other voice says "Quit worrying there isn't much I can do about it". I just want a hob I can stay at and make a helpful amount of money. I greatly want to fully support myself but, I don't think that could happen. My medicine cost so much. It wasn't exactly a dream to work as a cashier but it made me feel better and the kids get some help. Part of me really wants to smoke again. I keep thinking that there are more important things than this job but, it costs money and the job is necessary. The only thing I can do right now. That is all right now. I wish my Aunt was feeling better.

I had no voices most of the day today...

It is so nice to have a day with very little voices and very little paranoia. And I have had two days. Thank God. I had a pretty great day and I hope there are more. I started to take something else for side effects. I had been having harsh throbbing pains in my legs...it was a side effect from the Geodon. Stiff and painful movements. I started taking Niteworks... it helps the circulation and helps the body produce nitric oxide. It helped and I don't hurt anymore. So there are two not-soglum pieces of news today. It has been a wonderful day. Thank You God for this fabulous day.

Today...

It is a beautiful for paranoid thinking triggered by the knowledge that the store I used to work at got robbed. I am having a panic attack and am praying that it goes away soon. It happened down the street from where I work and I can't seem to get ahold on my brain so far. I took my medicine which usually makes me feel secure. I am usually more aware after I hear of a robbery and not so freaked out, but not today. No it couldn't be easy today. I can't breathe or it feels like I can't breathe. I have a huge urge to call inbut I know that I won't. It is calming down...Thank God. The schizophrenia can make me feel things that aren't there so...you can imagine what I feel. I have learned that I can't talk about some of what I hear or see because people get skiddish. I do want to say this I KNOW THAT IT IS NOT REAL, but I still feel it, see it, etc. It is kinda like you were pretty sure you put the mailbox flag up but you didn't. You can even picture it in your mind that you did it...you remember it...but you really didn't. Best way to explain it.

I am retracting something I wrote earlier. When I said it wasn't a illegal drug that made me this way...It is possible that the illegal drug "methamphetamine" that I was addicted to a few years ago caused brain damaging effects. They are studying it. There are so many horrible chemicals used to make the drug that it may have brain damaging effects. I could almost scream out that it is very brain damaging. They put battery acid and muratic (check spelling) acid is one of the main ingredients in that drug. Muratic acid is used to clean pipes, I think. This is just a bunch of garbage cleaning ingredients, put together. It does cause brain damage.
I used to get these huge headaches, I caused my own brain damage. That's like learning to smoke and then getting cancer.

My Grandmother had schizophrenia, too. Probably hereditary. I think my Therapist was right more then she knows. The gene is there but, the drugs could've brought it out. I was so stupid. I know that this is a bummer but I created this site to do exactly this...to wander and to share about phsychological diseases and issues. I feel confused right now. ( Boy, my brain is misfiring today) A lot of false feelings. Take Care.

My Story...Here it is..

After all these years of praying about my kids and the turn out with them; I am getting answers that are flooding me. I have the answers that I looked for years ago. All of a sudden they are rolling in. I was looking for the answers for the last four years. My kids were taken away from their father and for some reason I couldn't pull myself together to get my kids home with me. I said something really wrong that I would never believe and couldn't seem to forgive myself for. But, I also couldn't remember saying it. It was almost like some devine intervention to stop me from being able to get my kids back home with me. And I believe that it was. I was truly depressed and had been diagnosed as Manic Depressive a few years earlier and was receiving no medication for it what-so-ever. The kids were getting depressed too. They wouldn't even go outside and play. It was probably rubbing off on them. There is no telling what I might of been saying to them. I remember playing video games and joking around. I remember something telling me they would take care of my kids as if they were their own. It was the Schizophrenia...because I went right to arguing with this voice about "how" they thought they were going to get my kids. I remember hearing my son telling me that he could hear people talking who weren't there. I remember going off on the voices and telling them they had gone too far. Then things started happening. The Welfare was coming around... they had gotten calls. But it was that I was beating them...it was about head lice, or had I taken my kids to the hospital... all proven I wasn't wrong about the kids, but in the end they didn't want to live with me because of my drug addict boyfriend. I probably my kids. I went for years trying to find out how the kids could be taken away from there father and not given back to me. Oh, things got worse for me anyway. I became so depressed about everything and the kids that I wouldn't get out of bed. I would wait until the last minute to go to the restroom and so on and so forth. I got real bad about doing the drugs and methamphetamines. I even tried cocaine something I thought I would never do. I tried it at age 28. Loved it...knew then it was not going to get better. I had gotten so depressed I didn't care what kind of drug it was; I wanted it..to get rid of the pain.Then my boyfriend left and I had to go live with my mother. I quit drugs and felt so much better. I have been totally clean for 2 1/2 years and am very much in love with being sober. If it hadn't been for my children not wanting to live with me ...I would be in prison or dead. I have schizophrenia and remember things that did not happen and more. I don't remember things that did happen also. I am on medication and I am in therapy. I WANNA LIVE AGAIN... without living in a devastating past. I am headed in that direction....My kids are better then they would've been if I had them the last four years.

Wonders of Science...

The wanders of medicine is fantastic. The fact that life before this medication called Geodon was sooo rough and scary and now seems fun and good is fantastic. I have been on my presribed dosage for about a week now and today I awoke to no fighting in my brain. I use to hear fighting every morning. Like a total b*#ch was going off in my brain. Sometimes more then one voice. Even the Abilify didn't work that good. Abilify got rid of most of the voices except for the morning voices. Now that I take Geodon, no bad side effects and no voices screaming in the morning. What a difference. If you have any trouble like this, such as, Schizophrenia and or Multiple Personalities, please take your medications...it will make a world of difference. It seems hard to believe that science could stop hallucinations and such but it really can.

Relapses

Today and yesterday were "relapse" days. But, I think it is this bad because I am trying to work and live like I always do but I haven't got but just days off to work on myself. For the last 2 days I have been feeling, smelling, hallucinating and panicking and hearing. Not much sleep. When I am being myself I tend to explain my self in my brain. Like anyone cares. I just wish I could feel that way. I could just feel like there was no reason to ever explain myself. I don't want to tell people that I have it, just family. It feels like it is too much for me to handle. It is awful to feel like everyone knows you and knows all about you and then you feel like you have to explain yourself too. I don't break any Laws, I don't bother anyone. But, I have to explain myself. I hate this disease. Even just taking a shower I have to explain why I take a shower the way I do. Even the voices who are usually negative lately are wanting me to take a Valium and be done with it. I don't know if I agrre with myself and that is why the voices agree or if they are having a screwed up day too. That is how it is with me on these days.

Exercise

I don't even think I can spell it. I have never exercised regularly in my life. But I need to. I used to walk everywhere. I took off to work ...I have to walk 1.3 miles to catch the Shuttle here...and I got short winded and tired before I even left my street. (Not far...2 little blocks). I felt like I wash pushing myself too hard...then I thought that was rediculous...I do this all the time. I literally do. I walk to Wal-Mart at least once a week. I decided that maybe it was the thought of walking to work. So, I changed my way of thinking. "I am doing this cause I want to"... I thought. I WALKED THE WHOLE WAY WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT, nor was I out of breathe. Just think that you want to. I might start the gym with the same thought. But, don't push yourself too hard. Maybe it'll help.
Wanting to live....at least right now. I have been there.... am there , I wanna live, too. I wanna see how beautiful my kids are gonna be. I want to watch them NOT make my mistakes...or be there if they do. I want to tell them everything about what happened to me. I want them to know how much I love them. I want to see Lisa again. I want to tell her how glad I am that she is there for me, cause girl...you help me so much. I believe you can do anything...And watch that heat out there I know that it is dry...so without even realizing it you could have a heat stroke...so I Thank God you ain't out there. Be careful, really.
My disease...I'm the only person I have "heard" call it a disease...I don't like it called a "disorder". I especially like calling my "voices" a disease. It feels like I am getting back at them...All these years. I got the last laugh. All that garbage and I did not do it to myself...never did. Not even drugs did it...there was no drug that ever was the reason for it. Not my choice to do drugs that caused this DISEASE. It is just a disease. My voices say I earned it, because of the drugs. Because of my kids. They are so much better off. I know why. I know why this happened to me. Why my kids can't live with me...why I said that thing I said and then I couldn't remember. I just Thank God all it was was that I said something wrong. You saved my life Lisa. When you sent me that information and I checked everything that I had been doing for years. I knew something was wrong with me. But I heard voices. You just couldn't convince me it was me...it was all of "them". Thank You, I love you.

Hang in there...

I know, easy for me to say...but not really, considering I know how it is to be having to struggle to get meds. I'm fortunate since I'm on SSI and in CA, if you're on SSI you automatically get Medi-Cal, so most of my meds are covered. The only one i have to pay for is my pain medication, because Medi-Cal won't cover the amount that I need of them every month, so that's 60 dollars...and if I couldn't get them, I'd still be able to function. So like I said, I'm fortunate. But the fight to get SSI was something else--it was truly a battle, and they finally had to break me down right in front of a judge for me to qualify. Plus my doctor took very good notes and faxed them all to the judge. I take a whole bunch of meds, if I had to pay for them it would be a couple thousand a month...and many of them are 'body meds'...one for my heart, one for blood pressure, one for diabetes. I feel too young to feel this old. To me, 'old' is over the age of 80 or so...and I feel old at 38. But I'd feel a heck of a lot older if I didn't have my meds...I ran out of my one for blood pressure once and didn't take it too seriously, figuring, ok, I have high blood pressure, but I'm only in my 30s, I can go without the meds for a few days, no big deal. Wrong...my blood pressure was so high it was actually within 'stroke range'...my doctor chewed me out and I deserved it. I take it more seriously now. I don't want to end up paralyzed and unable to do anything. I wish losing weight was easier...I wish I could go for walks...I wish a lot of things. But I haven't given up on myself, I'm working on myself even if it's just a teensy bit every day. I wanna live..at least right now.

Medicines

I have never known medicine to be so expensive. There are some that cost over a $1,000 dollars. Mine happens to cost $283.00 per month. This is outrageous. And get this the company won't " give" them to you unless you are on Medicare...which is an insurance...right...which means you got "some" form of help. I have nothing but a job right now...Thank God for the job and the meds...I guess. So I could get half a perscription filled...that was pure luck...I just happen to work 50 hours every other week. If I didn't know better this might constitute as being "traumatic". You should see what happens if I skip a pill...IT AIN'T PRETTY. I get massed confused and can't hear and people are talking....it is a mess. And the stress of "Oh my GOd, I need to find a way to get this filled in 2 days..." is traumatic. I will inform my doctor by the way. whewwwww that was close. I think that is what the therapy is for. I go next week. Next Tuesday to my first therapy appointment. I pray that I don't forget. PLEASE don't let me forget. I will go for now.

I hate it...

When something is so important and the mate just doesn't understand. I want to go see my son but i am afraid that i don'thave away for Wednesday. It hurts, I have been crying for part of the day now. I hate my circumstances. I always think that I won't know what to say to my kids but, it is always the truth. I have a policy aboput my kids. I tell them the truth or the part of it I am allowed to tell them. My daughters are in DFAC's custody. They are doing better then when I had them at home. I told my son I would spend the rest of my life making things up to him. When they were at home they wouldn't even go outside and play...that just ain't normal for a child. They are more active now. They don't have to worry about their parents. I can only imagine what it could've been like. I did not know that the voices were an actual disease. I was paranoid at the time that my kids could hear all that crap and was fighting it off. I guess they could've seen me do it. I don't remember... I think I just thought it. My therapist said that drugs seem to masked the hearing voices and dillusions(spelled wrong I think)of schizophrenia. I was on drugs then. I have been sober for 2 1/2 years, now. I believe in AA. I choose not to go on back on drugs...my choice. I have too much to deal with without going back on all the problems drugs cause. Illegal Drugs that is. :)

My son is found and alive...

Thank You God again. You never fail me. You have never failed me and I give my life to you. I have never really gone to church but since I was 14 years old I have believed in God. He ALWAYS answers my prayers and never fails. My son is safe and sound and there will be other problems but you will help us through them you always did and always will. Possibly drugs. But I have alot of experience with drugs. It will be ok. Lord is always there and always listening.

On Geodon

This site is for Pyschological issues and I guess one thing that I want tnoted is that the last medication I took was Abilify. I had blurred vision, tongue swelling and involuntary muscle tremors...noticeable to anyone who could see it. I have been off Abilify for about a week now...doctor's order's. But I did go to my appointment yesterday afternoon. I am now using Geodon for symptons of my schizophrenia. I watched some patient testimonies and out of all three...2 of them have a speech impairmant and one even has trouble with his left side I think. I already have a speech problem that came with the Abilify. It probably won't go away. I will probably have more physical problems as I go along...it is just something else that I have to decide and deal with ...with the schizophrenia and it's medicines. Another drop in the bucket. But my head is getting help.

God's Answer...

Right after I shut the computer down and was staring at it...I got up to get my pocket book...the phone rang. Mel said he was leaving early from work and would come and take me to work, an extra two hours to play or to cry. Thank God. He answers in his own way. But, I was wandering if I could face the task of JUST getting to work ..much less working. It seems to keep me from crumbling. Before this happened I would have dropped my jaw at someone going to work with their son missing. But it really seems to be survival to me. If I don't work, I don't think I can make...but the thought of getting myself there is another problem...I dread it. I wanna get there though. I guess you would never know unless you went through it. I have laid in my bed with such emotional trauma that I rolled and cried in the bed with anguish about my kids. And maybe this time it is a survival technique...my mind is finding another way to deal with it. I really don't think I could do it again. I am constantly searching myself and doing an "inventory" on myself. The AA thing I do always...for me to acknowledge everything I can and realize why I do stupid things and other things.
Hi I'm Jen, I'm an alcoholic and a drug user. Over 2 years sober. And that is the part I love about me. The only part. I would like to have a Xanax right now. But the effect isn't real and would cause me REAl problems with my sobriety. Xanax was my love. If you had 'em...I bought 'em. Even at 5.00 a pill. But I have been sober for
2 and 1/2 years and part of me thought that after living with a fact like- I couldn't face a day sober. If I didn't have pot, I had Crank, if no crank then ...Always looking for Xanax though. The doctor said " I see here that you have had a problem with drugs." Anyway, I get no Klonopin or Xanax...nothing like that. And I have always hated pain killers..prescribed ones...they make me vomit.

My life...

It has always seemed so hard. My son is missing..I will never survive if something happenend to him. I could never make it. Which doesn't seem so bad to me right. I think that when I die there'll be a huge smile on my face. A smile of relief. I could not make without my son here on this earth. I don't know what to do. I found a National Runaway Hotline though. I might call it. Sara and Lamar, the people taking care of Cory is not wanting to purt an APB out on him because then the Police have juristriction over him, as well as, the State of Georgia. Cory would go to YDC. What an ordeal to go through after running away. So I will be lucky if DFAC's doesn't get involved with Cory again. But I want him found and don't want him hurt or worse...so I want to put the APB out on him. And if he goes to YDC then at least he would not be running away again. Nor would he be endangering his life. But I also am on Sara and Lamar's side. I am definately conflicted. Oh yeah, before anything is said, let me explain this. The Police were called the day Cory did not get off the bus. And they have his ID and everything...but an APB can not be put out unless Sara and Lamar go to see a Juvenile Court Judge. He can issue one.
Right now i have to leave and walk 1.3 miles to Wal-Mart to catch a trolley that takes one hour to get me to work. All the time I will be fretting about Cory. I did it yesterday and I will do it today. I can stay busy at work.

Geodon

My new medicine is called Geodon. My son is still missing and life is not so good. But my Faith in God is still alive and I hope that I will never let that go. No matter what happens. I am so worried i don't know how I have made it so far. Going to the doctor today is just a faint blur. Like I am robotic... Thank God. This blog is truly helping me. I can let go af anger and worry at the touch of a button. And I can lay my head on this shoulder and it never gets tired of my problems. I left home when I was 15 and my son is 16..he is not pregnant which is a bonus. But I went through alot. And he already has too. That gives me a little hope. Maybe he won't be raped, beaten or killed. Please God watch over my son. Please. I know you won't let me down...you have never ever let me down...

My son ran away...

My son ran away yesterday from school, he is 16 years old and knows alot of people. I wasn't positively sure that he had run away until last night. I am so completely anxious and hurting, and have been praying. Soon I will get my answers. I will keep my Faith that God will watch over my son. He is still missing. But there is definate proof that he has run away. I pray that he will find hes way home, where he can be safe. He is a tough boy, and like most teemagers believes that he can "whoop" anything. He is very tough though. I know God is watching for him. and suddenly I have been alot calmer lately. These past few hours. My son is blonde and is strong about 5ft 7inches. He wears baggy clothes which are in style today...the "hood" look. He is still in his home state. But I won't say where until I have to. There are people who prey on boys like my son. Real Sicko's. I should go. Handling this has been hard and I suddenly feel uncomfortable at the computer. On edge, like there should be something I can do. I don't know the people he hangs with. But others do. He did not live with me. He lived with his Aunt and Uncle. They love him very much. God will watch over him, I know he will. I felt a sudden sadness about the time he left his school and ran away. And there are plenty of times, several a day, that I feel a sudden panic, something that he is seeing or doing. I don't think he was into drugs or alcohol...maybe alcohol.... I almost hope he makes a mistake that the Police will be there for. My prayers to you...Cory, Lea and Tina.

My new episode...

I had a new episode today... yippee. (sarcasm totally) Today after being told to stop taking the meds, and then I decided to just take half and come off easy...I had awaken to a more swollen tongue and a few hours later my left side began to shake. From my neck down. I almost thought it was a seizure. The Benedryl is not working for the swollen tongue. It may not be an allergy. We will see. and then an hour or so later I had another left side spasm. It is Uncontrollable but suddenly in about 2 minutes it stopped. So I get to talk to my doctor a nice loooong conversation. I am going to research more.....

I'm Paranoid

I was told to stop the meds..Mel says he wishes I wouldn't. He says I am better with them and almost like I was before. I took a half pill yesterday and today. I feel better. But I bought 2 of Dido's songs and feel a little better...she modes me. Into a "get it done" attitude. Off track right then....I am paranoid, I guess, I woke up with my tongue real bad this morning and it was past time for medications. I don't think that this is an allergic reaction anymore. Half a pill and over 24 hours and it got worse. But the medication is still in my blood stream. I hope I am allergic or that it is definately from the medication. I am worried that it might be brain "motor" problems. For 9 years I never said a word about the voices but this last 2 or 3 years it got real bad. Especially the last year...Oh God. My memory... within seconds I couldn't understand what people where saying in front of me. I shake when I think about it. And cry.Out burst happen daily, I wanna go to the hospital. But I see my doctor Tuesday. Stoppped shaking then. Something is wrong with me. I think that if I read anything about "side affects" I will start getting them. I gotta go and be ready for work. 2 more nights.

Meds...and frustration.

I know exactly how it feels to be frustrated by 'testing' meds to find the right one or right combination. I've been on several since my depression was diagnosed back in 1995. The first was Zoloft and it was a 'miracle pill' to me at first. I remember the day it 'kicked in'. I was in KMart in Merced before they closed it down, and was just wandering around aimlessly killing time before my group appointment (back when I was going to county Mental Health). Then all of a sudden (and it really was that sudden for me) I looked around and noticed that everything had colors and textures and people were doing things and everything just suddenly became interesting and I could hardly make myself leave K-Mart, until I realized it wasn't just there, it was everywhere. After that things were better as far as the depression, though the other stuff wasn't even touched. But I think, looking back, that the beginning of Zoloft was the last step of the end of whatever was left of my marriage because out of all the possible side effects that it can cause, I only had one....the inability to...well I can't think of the way to word it that I'd be comfortable with, let's just say my libido was completely and utterly gone (they shoulda put me on that at 13 LOL). I took Zoloft until 1999 when we filed for bankruptcy and I had to include Mental Health in the bankruptcy, I owed them about 700 which to us back then was a lot of money. Soooooo then I was without meds until I ended up in the Safehouse, when they put me back on Zoloft because they thought they were dealing with depression (actually it was the DID they were dealing with but it still helped a little bit) then when I got on my own and had to go through CalWorks for welfare, and had to deal with people, I got switched to Paxil because the Zoloft wasn't helping anymore. Paxil was a REAL miracle for me, it made it possible, for a short time at least, for me to deal with people almost in a normal social way. But it didn't last, we raised it as high as it could go and the pressures were just more than I could deal with. Recently I tried a switch to Wellbutrin because it didn't have that one side effect that I mentioned earlier, and Paxil does....and on Wellbutrin for depression and BuSpar for anxiety I got very very sick and couldn't even walk straight. So we switched the BuSpar for Klonopin and then I wasn't sick, but Wellbutrin didn't help my depression at ALL....so after about 6 months of having a sex drive but being too depressed to care, I'm back to Paxil now, and though it doesn't make it where I can function socially and of course it doesn't help the DID, at least I'm not crying all the time for no reason as much anymore, I feel more stable, and it feels like the right choice. That's my story...condensed, of course. Sometimes it's so frustrating that you feel like giving up....hang in there.

Feelings...

Well, I knew I would have to test medicines before I found the right one. And now it looks like that is gonna happen. I don't really want to have to take several medicines to deal with my schizophrenia. I only want one miracle pill. My tongue kind of had a mind of it's own...muscle spasms and swelling. Like it wanted to arch back. So I was order off the Abilify and on to Benedryl in case of an allergic reaction. One day off the medicine and I can tell the difference. Maybe the next menicine will be the one. this trial thing is not my bag. And the Abilify had the least amount of side effects. I am frustrated, worried and I don't know if I wanna cry or scream. I know what is gonna. I will be on a med that stops the schizophrenia but I will need to take several drugs to counter act the side affects of the medication. I am almost 33 years old and I am already gonna have a "bag" of several meds to go with me where ever I go. What a life. Ain't it grand. Just to live Bull*#it free. I'm mad and venting. Even though these medications are great and scientific breakthroughs...they still are very dangerous. I think that any drug that alters your way of thinking or changes levels of brain chemicals could easily work the other way. A change in patterns... or shall I say chemical changes...to the wrong levels could make you very worse...probably could cause seizures easily. BUT I AM NOT A DOCTOR. So do not abuse your meds. These drugs for psychological "difficulties" are for psychotic tendacies. Something bad could really happen. Take them but be aware of your body and the differences and tell your doctor. I did abuse the drug one time. I took a half a pill more of Abilify before and my voices got meaner and louder and I couldn't bare much. I almost screamed. It literally reminded me that I have psychotic features. I am getting sleepy now Thank God. This day almost over. Ya'll be good. Love

Off the Medicine...

I called my Therapist and told her about the "tongue thing". She talked to the nurse and the nurse said to stop taking the meds. Since I didn't take one today....okkkkkk. I will have to tell him though. I will call right now...lunch. I will not tell his name for his "safety" since this is on the net. He is good though ...I feel. I think he has complete faith in his workand in science..which is very important to me. No Abilify till I see the doctor. Next Tuesday for me. Love

What is akathisia ...

From the article Aunt Linda put on the blog. I don't see anything about seizures or tongue problems. I know that the medicine is doing it, it is the only thing different in my life. But the article list akathisia. And I have looked on the web and still can't find a definition to it. It started about a week ago, my tongue doesn't want to cooperate. Really weird and uncomfortable. Lisa where is your blog or are you on right now?

I'm a little 'off' today.

I had to have the ultimate icky female exam test today...the dreaded PAP. I was a few years past due, but it's one of those things you hope your doctor won't remember, LOL. But I'd been bleeding nearly two complete months and we figured it was time. I think I might be headed toward a hysterectomy down the road a ways...can't really say I'd mind much. The danged thing causes me so much pain now. She also tested me for a couple other things that I reeeeeeeeally hope come up negative....she says since nothing's showing up on the scans they've done, that the pain I'm having could be a combination of my fibroids, an infection, and scarring from the Pelvic Inflammatory Disease bout that I had when I was 14. She says that they now say that PID is caused by gonorrhea or Chlamydia...so that even though I was treated and it went away, I could have some scarring or damage from it. I was like noooooooooooo, those are just too icky. So I'll find out when the results come back. I'm getting frustrated. And even though this stuff doesn't seem like it belongs on a psychological blog, trust me, it's having an effect on my moods and emotions today. I'm tired of being in pain. And when I stop and add it all up, I've been on this stuff for a very long time. Luckily I don't seem to be building a tolerance for it, I don't require more and more. But I'd like to be off of it, it makes me very queasy all the time. Anyway, just needed to write it all out. It was kinda funny in a sad way, when she asked if I'd ever had either of those diseases I was like NO! And then I mentioned that I'd had PID, she was like 'well then, you probably did have one of them...so I thought about it for a while and said well, my 'boyfriend' at that time had been a 39 year old ex-convict IV drug user. So anything was possible. Jeeeze the stupid things we do when we're young. But on the other hand, I was also trying to survive. So it wasn't as stupid as it sounds looking back. Anyway............ But at least I'm HIV negative.

It's More Common...

It seems to be more common now, like a bout of tonsils that need taken out. So I wonder what they will be able to do with it in the future. Right now, I am having some trouble talking sometimes... like my tongue don't wanna work. Melvin says the change in me is definately better...but I am worried about the tongue "swelling". I go to the Doctor next week and I will list out the problems. and that the "raped" pain...seems to have went down in amount of times during a week but seems to last longer. I don't know if I am worse or better. Over-all I feel better about myself and inside but some things make me feel real sick.
At least I am not screaming at nobody anymore. Meds....Great for the most part. :)
I am just now able to send Tina her birthday present. I have also notified my lawyer and asked his advice on the lawsuit. This will tell me if he has the heart to do it.
Thanks Aunt Linda for the Article...It is a shame that this is so common now...but they have a lot of "better" medicines. Two kinds of medicines for "psychotic features". Anti-psychotic and psychotic. There is a difference. Love.

Schizophrenia linked to Flu

Health - Reuters

Study: Flu in Pregnancy Linked to Schizophrenia
Mon Aug 2, 4:38 PM ET
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CHICAGO (Reuters) - A bout of the flu during the first half of pregnancy may damage the fetal brain and raises the risk of children developing schizophrenia later in life, researchers said on Monday.
Yahoo! Health
Have questions about your health?Find answers here.


In a small 64-family sample, researchers found the risk of developing the major mental disorder in adult offspring rose seven-fold if the expectant mother had the flu during the first trimester.
If the virus struck between the midpoint of the pregnancy's first trimester and the midpoint of the second, the risk rose three-fold. There was no increased risk if the flu occurred in the second half of the pregnancy.
"These findings represent the strongest evidence thus far that prenatal exposure to influenza plays a role in schizophrenia," said the study's lead author, Ezra Susser of the New York State Psychiatric Institute.
In previous studies establishing a connection between flu in pregnant mothers and schizophrenia in their children, the link was seen in the second and third trimesters, the study said.
Unlike those studies, which used estimates of the peaks of flu outbreaks and mothers' memories, this research examined preserved blood samples taken between 1959 and 1966. The research is part of a larger study of schizophrenia examining prenatal infection, nutrition, chemical exposure, paternal age and other factors.
Among the people in the study with schizophrenia, one quarter of their mothers had been exposed to influenza compared to one in 10 of the control subjects.
Schizophrenia is a general term referring to psychotic disorders that produce delusional or illogical thinking. Initial signs of the disease typically emerge in people in their teens or 20s.
The study suggested factors that could damage the fetal brain including the mother's antibodies crossing the placenta and reacting with the fetus' developing immune system, the presence of genetic material from the strain of influenza, and the mother's elevated body temperature.
Over-the-counter flu remedies also might cause central nervous system problems, it said.
The study's findings may raise questions about routine vaccinations of women because the antibodies generated could damage a fetus.
The study was published in the Archives of General Psychiatry

Reading about Schizophrenia...

Reading about this I have come to the realization that the sound "dimensia" I have is from the receptor's in my brain not recieving the information correctly. When I here sounds... on going sounds (like a motor running, or a constant sound like wind blowing from a rolled down window... constantly, my brain hear's the sound but "recieves" it distorted. Such as... you would understand it as...if I said the word "sixty" and you absolutely thought or heard it as "sexty" then it wasn't heard correctly. With me , I hear the central air kick on and it sounds like my voices get louder and twisted. A car passes by while I walk to work or ride the shuttle and it is awful ...at the moment when the car passes by it sounds like somebody is screaming the dumbest things to me. I have been so out of it...I haven't joked around but one day this week. I worked 70 hours so I guess that is the main reason. That will be one great check. I am turning this thing off for awhile.....Love

Weird how ....

Weird How I get home and lay down and I start getting a panic attack. I can't be still... the bed is very uncomfortable. I'm so tired and my feet are killing me. I do not want to lay down. These 10 hours a day is really getting to me. It was only 2 1/2 months ago that I did this real easy. Soon maybe it will be alright. That attack still has me fluttering. I know what I want. i'm getting nervous at work and fumbling. i got to go. love

Thanks Auntie's :)

I think that Ablify is a scientific miracle. Compared to what my head used to do...this is great. Almost like there is no other "world". But Sunday was really bad. I thhought I must've forgotten to take the med...boy was it bad. But I took a little more. It was like not being on any medicationexcept for the paranoia. It was bad. Abilify has the least side affects and the best outcome but I have side affects. I vomited some blood andmy stomach still hurts. I know it is probably an ulcer. I haven't seen anything on side effects yet...if ya'll see anything let me know. Side effects to me...these things just seem stronger-- Stomache hurts, sleep less..but it seems to suffice, eyes blur.. I mean really blur up. . panic attacks pretty regular... and really strong..I get real scared..like something isn't at least once every 2 days. BUT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE WAY THIS DRUG HELPS ME. I feel "REAL" again. I don't feel like a whole other world is beating me down all the time. I don't have to protect everyone I love from the voices. Or the hateful, disgustiong, things they say.
I am so tired.... :) I worked 13 hours today. And closed the store on my first day. And I did it. Always knew I could work and be proud again. Ya'll I won't ask Melvin to help me with money much unless I work. Good night. 

Abilify

I found some info on Abilify, though I am sure you have already researched it. (I always do, when I get a new drug, and I doubt I am the only one that does!) But in case you haven't seen this one. Sounds pretty darn good.

It's one of those things...

That people can't really understand unless they live it.  Luckily for them, most people don't. I had a great conversation with a woman in an AOL chatroom tonight about DID. First chatroom I've gone in since...well it's been months at least. But she gave me perspective on it and a few ideas of things to read. I get so frustrated not being 'normal'...well, I wouldn't want to be the boring type of 'normal'...but at least normal enough to handle things like doctor appointments without freaking out. I have to go see the urologist on the 28th and he's gonna do that cystoscopy maybe, if I can be persuaded to allow it. There are some holes that simply should not have cameras inserted inside and that's one of them...I don't know if I'll be able to handle the pain. I know when I had a stent in for a kidney stone a couple years ago and they took it out, they said it would be 'a little uncomfortable'. HAH! It was downright painful and I informed them of that fact LOL.  I want them to find out what's going on with my left kidney...I can't stay on Vicodin forever, and I can't handle how much it hurts when I have an attack. But I don't want that cystoscopy!  It makes me feel invaded...
I saw Paula and Rebekah (and William) today for about 3 hours. I took them to get some boxes of baby cereal for Rebekah and bought Paula some dresses at Goodwill...she's enormously pregnant for 5 months, baby is due...I think she said December 17. It was an ok day but anything involving her involves me falling apart when I'm at home afterward, and tonight was no exception, but I handled it much better than I usually do, so I'm proud of that at least. Anyway, it's after 3 a.m., gotta try to get SOME sleep tonight.

I chose this background template

I chose this background template for a reason. The black part meant Psychological and the dots reminded me of the chemicals neccessary for the brains funtion. But a few dots are not there. Like a chemical imbalance. Cool Huh? I'm getting ready for my new job. It is 2:28 am amd My Mel just asked me if I was coming back to bed. Ain't he sweet. Funny too. I love him. I had a bad day yesterday. I can't really discuss this stuff with anyone else but the blog, they get scared. What about you Lisa?

 

This morning...

This morning I woke up with an episode. Even with the medicine as good as it is; it has never stopped the waking problem. I still wake up with an arguement started in my head. It is like there are several people that are in my head arguing. I really am trying to get control of these every morning but then it seems like it makes it louder but,  it also doesn't last as long as it use to. I remember when this started a few years ago. I woke up with an long constant fight between about 4 people going off in my brain. I never seem to react to it except that it puts me in a bad mood. This is probably why I can still work. Thank God though. Working makes me feel better.
Somtimes it feels like my brain is trying to prove something awful to me. Like...."HA HA HA There are still things I can do to you...Even with the medicine." At least I only take one pill for this or else I might be absolutely humiliated. HEHEHEHEHE Humiliated and then left feeling like there is no hope. That, dears, is the worst thing I think I have ever know. Like something (or it all) was hopeless.
 
My definition of Depression:
A slow, thick pit of tar, that seems drag you down into the rotating whirlpool and no matter how hard you try to hold on to something and pull yourself out...it seems to have you and dragging you intensly back in. And no matter howhard you try to get this tar off you .... it won't wash away.
 
Don't ever let yourself get that low. Get help. I managed to get out of it once...it had lasted a long time. Years.

My medicine...

I am on a medication call "ABILIFY" . It has helped me since the first day. I got used to get real sleepy but I'm used to it now. It was explained to me that the brain has receptors or nerve endings that recieve signals from other nerve endings and if they don't maintain the correct levels of "chemicals" the nerve endings don't receive well. This can cause dillusions or psychotic features. usually your brain make these "chemicals" by itself, but if not then it is chemically imbalanced. Pyschotic features are thing such as "voices" and other things "not really there" and sometimes violent features. I'm not violent, Thank You God. I have Thanked Him all day long today. I am finally going back to living. But I will be on this thing every day. Oh yeah...The ABILIFY helps my brain to maintain it's correct levels. AAAAAWWWWW Modern Science is a miracle to me. 

I am just finding out who I really am.....

I was thinking today..not sure if that was a good idea -I am just finding out about me. I argued that the "voices" were ruining my relationships for years. Any relationship I had was being "sabotaged" by these people with nasty attitudes and nasty opinions. Now I have to see it for what it is...It's All Psychological.... the "voices" are turning into my insecurities about my relationships. Anything I said wrong to the kids..the "voices" chant worse things. Things I would never say or do but they are things I am scared of or insecure about.  I am worried that I will say something wrong and it hurt them. I said something before and I couldn't remember saying it for the life of me. I still don't remember doing it and that scares me to death. So now I realize what it means and I am finding out who I am in the process. I am a schizoprenic woman, 33 years old really finding herself. Since I have found out about the phrenia, I have found my best friend in the computer. And in my family. I hope that I don't scare off. I am accepting myself, but I am handicapped when it comes to relationships and living.
I also know that I scared someone today while I tried to explain something that I had been going through. It scared her so no more talking about it. I just got my first lesson in how much to say...no other way to describe it to someone who doesn't experience it except to call it "voices". Lesson #1 Learned. I am sorry I scared her...I wasn't trying to.

It's harder sometimes...

For the people around us to deal with our problems than it is for us ourselves. Because they're not actually experiencing it, they have to take what we tell them and blend it with what they've read or seen on TV or heard about, and often, that stuff isn't realistic at all. When I first got with Dee, I told her as much as I knew about everything that was wrong with me in as much detail as I could before she even moved in with me. I guess I was afraid that when she found out about my depression and phobias, etc., that she'd realize it is too much for anyone to handle. The only thing I didn't really tell her about was the DID and that's mainly because I didn't really know what it was or why I acted the way I did. But when I did find out, I told her everything that I found out, and sent her some websites to read...and even then, she knew but didn't really know, because not too long after that we watched the movie "Identity" I believe it was, and she was like...'aren't you glad you just have DID and not multiple personalities?'  And I sat there for a minute, then took a deep breath and broke the news to her that it is exactly the same thing, just DID is the newer name for it now.  She was pretty shocked but pulled it together fast. :)  And it gave me a chance to tell her all the things about the movie that weren't accurate, that were overdramatized. So at least it opened discussion.

I was told that

I was told that Schizophrenia was hereditary. I was also told that "drugs and alcohol" isn't the cause of it or a trigger. But "drugs and alcohol" do not help anyone. My experience was that it sometimes made it worse and sometimes made it better. It seems to me that someone is doing these things to me...I smell skunk when there is none. I thought someone sent me the smell. Or maybe that is the way my mind perceives it. Probably the only logical explaination is that the smell would have to be there physically so when I can't see it my mind makes up an explanation. I think that I can hear people that I know and also people that I don't know even when they are not there. I think I must truly miss them alot or that they had a big impact on my life...so that any good advice I get from the "voices" seems to come from the paople I care about and love. One time I got a "voice" telling me in my baby girl's voice that I should trust in God. I was in a "could be a dangerous situation" when I heard it. I do believe in God, Life and Science. Love...ehhhh

I might be paranoid...

I told melvin my feelings this morning and he says it ain't true. But I believe you are right. He is still learning and realising what is going on.  He says that I have been leaving the room when he is in there. I hadn't noticed but I guess I am. He has been study after he gets home every night until he goes to bed. Literally. I think I am trying to let him concentrate. Because I am wiggly all the time. So I must be paranoid. OOPS Emotional, too.

My episode...

I got frantic about 4 times today. I get real excited then I feel like I'm panicking about things that aren't there. Then I feel real depressed about it.
 
I am feeling real upset right now. When the paranoid stuff starts I get real paranoid about stuff that isn't even true. I don't want to lose Melvin but, if I do I can handle it. I lost my whole family before. So today I should try to show him how much I love him and then maybe it'll work out. This is the most wonderful man of all my life that I have ever known and I love him. Buut things haven't been there best since we found out it was Schizophrenia. I guess while we were dating I should have told him about the "voices" but I didn't. Never thought that I would tell anyone. AT ALL
 
We have been together just over a year now.

Maybe this can help us....

For all those who don't know...Schizophrenia is when you "see", "hear", "smell", "feel" and "taste" things that aren't really there. My boyfriend poor thing, doesn't know what to think. But, I hope we will pull through. I have apparently had this for 9 years but I didn't think that it was "something". Even though I have had this awhile and there is really nothing new..it has gotten worse over the years. I am paranoid of normal things. The restroom happens to be one of them. I am afraid to shower and use the toilet because I think someone is watching me. Of course I do shower everyday but it is terrorizing to me. I "fight" the terror and just do it anyway. Just go on and live anyway. Don't let anything stop ME from living. It's hard but then there are good days.
I forget things for small periods at a time. It feels really scary to me to be the only person who really knows what is not a normal thing for me and see it happening every day.
I looked at the doctor who knew what medicine to give me because he has this skill and knowledge for it, and I wanted him to tell me how this happened. But, I was afraid to ask. HAHAHA